


Chasing domestic bliss

by Chelidona (Hobbity)



Series: Family Affairs [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: And so is Fili, Body Image, Chubby Kíli, Domestic Fluff, Fatphobic character, Fili and Kili are cousins, Fluff, Kili is adorable, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, They can be idiots and need to figure out how not to be such idiots, Weight Issues, happy fluffy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-05-18 10:31:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5925228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a continuation of my fic "Between Cousins"<br/>It starts in January - Kíli and Fíli have been together for some months, but everday life throws some challenges in their way. Fíli feels pressure at work and Kíli is still unhappy with his body.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Some bad news and some over-dramatic young men

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, "Between Cousins" is the story I like the most of all those I've ever written. I just like domestic fluff! So I continued it.  
> Khafushun betaed this chapter and had a ton of helpful suggestions - thank you SO much. You're a brilliant beta reader.  
> I couldn't resist tampering with it after he betaed it, so any remaining mistakes are quite obviously mine.  
> Hope you enojy!

It was early January, and although winter wasn’t Fíli’s favourite time of the year, he arrived at work that morning in a good mood. He’d had breakfast with Kíli, the weather when they had left the house had been all right (not raining). The bus was on time and he had found a seat on it. That meant that he was actually in his office earlier than usual. For that reason, he had some extra time to look over his spreadsheets with the data they had already analysed before he went over to the soil lab. And that was when his day fell to pieces.

*

They had hired a student assistant to help with the analysis of the soil samples. It had taken months for the university to release the money to hire her. Ideally, Fíli would have had the data by the end of November, but the student was doing her best to get it done as quickly as possible. 

They were now down to the last soil samples, those from October and early November. He needed the data for his presentation: the one he would give in Adelaide in just a month's time. But they were making good progress, and he was confident that the analysis would be finished by the end of the week. The rack containing his soil samples was nearly empty, the remaining ones were on the top two shelves.

*

However, shortly before lunch, as the assistant reached for a bag on the top shelf, her elbow caught on the rickety post connector. The board wobbled, and just as she jumped off the little stool she had been standing on, the shelf fell onto the one below it with a resounding crash. 

The ruptured bags spilt soil all over the floor, creating a cloud of dust.

Fíli stared at all the soil samples on the floor and blinked. It felt like he was watching a film. This hadn’t just happened in reality. There was no way he had just seen all of his work destroyed, all those days spent in muddy fields, hammering soil probes into the loamy ground and wrenching them out again, gone to waste. It would have all been for nothing if there was now no data.

*

He took a short lunch break and felt slightly guilty when the student saw that as a hint to cut her own break short as well. Together, they managed to rescue about half of the bags and clear away the mess. When they were finally done salvaging what they could, he left her in charge of cataloguing what was left, and retired to his office with a cup of tea. Now alone, he dug his biscuits out from where he had hidden them in his desk. He wasn’t normally someone who used food to comfort himself, but the situation seemed to warrant it.

*

When Faramir came to his office that afternoon, Fíli immediately knew something was wrong. As it turned out, the last remaining root samples for Faramir’s master thesis were mislabelled. A third of the data for a master thesis, where he was already way behind schedule. The man was a perfectionist. And now he looked to Fíli, his supervisor, to help him out of the mess. It was four o’clock in the afternoon, Fíli had just lost data for his own project and the only thing he could do was to send Faramir home with the promise to figure something out the next day.

*

On his way home, Fíli decided to go to the gym that Kíli had signed him up for, back when he had first arrived in Ireland. He had rarely gone since then, but working out seemed like it would be a good way to take his mind off the fact that he was obviously a complete failure as a post-doc. Tomorrow he would have to go to Professor Brown and confess that they had lost a significant amount of samples and would thus have a gap in their overall data. Unfortunately, Faramir’s thesis was just a small part in a larger trial that would stretch over a decade. He had already emailed the professor to let him know about the destroyed soil samples. He wasn’t looking forward to giving the news of further data destroyed. Nor was he looking forward to rewriting his presentation towards a less thorough conclusion. He could already hear the critical questions that he would get from the audience.

*

Once he felt sufficiently powered out, he looked at the clock and pulled a face. He had just enough time to get home and cook dinner before Kíli came back. His boyfriend was always home late on Tuesdays and practically starving by the time he arrived. So, Fili figured that cooking him dinner was the nice thing to do – especially on a day when he had actually left his office at four. Even if he didn’t feel like cooking at all.

Fíli sighed and made his way to the showers. He decided he would cook a nice lasagna – with a light Béchamel sauce to replace most of the cheese, and plenty of vegetables. Maybe he could even sneak some kale in. Kíli was like a child in his eating habits; he distrusted anything green that wasn’t peas or avocado, but if you snuck something into his food without him realising, he would gobble it up. His mood lightened as he thought about his boyfriend.

* * *

Kíli was indeed both drained and starving by the time he came home. The delicious smells from the kitchen cheered him up considerably, but when he entered the kitchen, he noticed that something was up. He sighed internally. Fíli was glaring at a lasagna that looked perfectly fine (apart from the sad lack of cheese on top) as if it had mortally offended him. Kíli cleared his throat.

“Fíli? Love? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Right.” He let his arms slip tentatively around Fíli from behind. As he pressed closer, he could feel just how tense Fíli’s shoulders were. “Stressful day at work?”

Fíli leaned into him. “It was hell. How was yours?”

“Too long. Boring meeting. But Thorin didn’t even come to the meeting, so it was less intense.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah. He’s been slacking ever since he’s got together with Bilbo.”

Fíli laughed a little and told Kíli to set the table. During dinner, Kíli coaxed the story of Fíli’s miserable day out of his reticent boyfriend. Once he heard it, he regretted having complained about his own meeting.

*

After dinner, they snuggled a bit in front of the TV. Kíli sat on the couch, and Fíli had stretched out next to him to rest his head in Kíli’s lap. While they watched a rerun of _Star Wars: A New Hope_ , Kíli massaged Fíli’s scalp with one hand and traced idle patterns on Fíli’s chest, hoping to relax him. But Kíli could tell that Fíli’s mind was still occupied with the disaster. Just as Darth Vader killed Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fíli turned his head to look up at Kíli.

“Faramir’s depending on me to figure something out.”

“And you will. You’re smart. And he’s smart too. You’re going to be just fine.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“I just believe in you.”

“Because you don’t know anything about research.” 

“No, but I know you.”

Kíli did his best to smile encouragingly down at his boyfriend. But Fíli shook his head.

“We can’t fix this. The data is lost. I haven’t even worked here for a year and I've already fucked up.”

“You haven’t really.”

“I bloody well have. You just don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kíli rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote to switch off the TV. He patted Fíli’s chest.

“Bedtime.”

Fíli closed his eyes for a moment. Then he nodded his head and sighed.

“All right.”

As they got ready for bed in the bathroom, Fíli kept grumbling. He cursed viciously when he let his toothbrush fall to the floor in his haste. Then he hit his head on the sink on his way up and cursed even more. Kíli didn't say anything when he was accidentally jostled out of the way. But when Fíli started to turn on him and accused him of brushing his teeth the wrong way, he had had enough.

“I’ll leave you to your bloody sulking then.” Kíli threw his toothbrush on the little table next to the sink and went to bed.

*

Fíli came into the bedroom a bit later. Kíli was still sitting on the edge of the bed, setting his alarm. Fíli sat down next to Kíli and was silent for a moment. Then he sighed softly. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”

“I know.” Kíli smiled up at him, covering Fíli’s balled-up hand with his own, larger one. “You had a fecking bad day.”

“Yeah. Still no excuse for being a dick to my boyfriend.”

Kíli grinned unexpectedly and then tugged at his arm. “You weren’t, really. Just lay down, we need to sleep.”

Fíli complied and was immediately engulfed in a hug. He sighed as he snuggled closer into Kíli. He really loved the fact that Kíli was taller and broader than him. The tension seeped out of his body as he was safely wrapped in Kíli's arms. It never ceased to amaze him, just how much he loved his boyfriend. Cuddling with Kíli was practically therapy for him.

* * *

Another Sunday, another family dinner. When Fili and Kíli walked up from the bus stop, they could already see Bofur’s car in the driveway. The two young men grinned at each other. Dis still insisted on calling Bofur her “good friend”, but she wasn't fooling anyone

When they rang the doorbell, it was Bilbo who opened the door. 

“You’re late,” the small Englishman admonished them.

“We’re not,” Kíli protested, laughing as he pushed past him into the warm hallway. 

“The bus was a bit late,” Fíli admitted politely, just as Kíli noticed the new picture his mother had put up in the hallway. She had taken it on Christmas day - Fíli and Kíli were sitting next to each other on the couch, Fíli’s arm loosely around Kíli’s shoulders. And if that wasn’t bad enough (he hated pictures of himself sitting down), it was next to a photo from their vacation in France. It was plain to see that he had gained weight since then, between October and December.

“Kíli!” His mother pulled him out of his mild stupor as she rushed from the kitchen and enveloped him in a hug. “You’re late, son. I nearly gave up on you.”

“Kíli would never miss a meal,” Thorin joked as he came out of the living room to greet his nephews. 

Kíli forced himself to smile at Thorin. His uncle didn’t mean anything by it. In fact, Thorin seemed completely oblivious to the fact that excess weight might be a problem for some. He had always been stocky but slim himself, and he considered Bilbo, who was a bit podgy, to be the most beautiful creature in the world. Still, Kíli couldn't think of a suitable response, and just grinned stupidly. Fíli saved him. He put his arm around his aunt and announced:

“No one would miss one of Dis’ roasts, eh? They’re fantastic!”

“Aren’t they just.” Bofur looked out of the kitchen. His ever-present hat nearly fell off as he craned his head to look over at Dis. “Should I remove it from the oven now?”

“Oh, sure, we wouldn’t want the meat to dry out!” Dis hastened back, but managed to shoo her brother and Bilbo back into the living room, presumably to set the table. 

*

Kíli found he didn’t have much of an appetite; the pictures in the hallway had bothered him more than they should have. He still forced himself to eat, but he could barely taste his mother’s roast, though he was sure it was excellent as usual. But things weren't all bad: the conversation was much more animated now that Bofur (along with Bifur) was a regular guest. It used to be mainly Kíli and Dis who talked, but Bofur seemed to fit seamlessly into their dynamic. 

By the time Dis served dessert, Kíli’s good mood was restored, and he helped himself to a generous serving of toffee pudding. (Fíli amused them when he exclaimed that he hadn’t known toffee pudding was the same as the sticky date pudding they had in New Zealand.)

*

Kíli thought he had successfully faked cheerfulness during dinner. But as soon as they were out of the house and walking towards the bus stop, Fíli turned to him, his eyebrows knitted.

“What’s wrong, love? You seemed a bit off during dinner.”

Kíli grimaced. “It’s nothing, honest. Do you think my mam noticed?”

“She notices everything about you,” Fíli remarked dryly. 

They had to run for the bus then, effectively putting an end to their conversation. It was the first time the bus services in Dublin had ever done him a favour, but Kíli knew it was just a temporary reprieve. Sure enough, as soon as they stepped into the flat, Fíli turned to him again, looking determined. Kíli caved in.

“All right. I didn't like the bleeding photos.”

“Photos?”

“From our holidays and Christmas. In the hallway.”

Fíli put his hand lightly on Kíli’s waist.

“You could tell your mother you don’t like them. She’d take them down, you know,” he suggested gently. Kíli shook his head.

“I’d make her feel bad for having put them up in the first place. I don’t want that.”

“But they're bothering you.” 

“Hmm.” 

Fíli had said absolutely nothing wrong just then, but for some reason, Kíli suddenly remembered what Fili had said in Manchester:

* _Stop whinging about your weight._ * 

He had forgiven Fíli for his outburst; he knew that Fíli hadn’t meant to hurt him, and that his words had come from a place of deep frustration. Still, he couldn’t help remembering what Fíli had said every time he didn’t feel so good about himself. He didn’t dare tell Fíli why it still bothered him so much. He had gained weight. It was just that none of them ever mentioned that. And he didn’t want Fíli to think that he was “whinging.”

Now, Fíli just seemed confused by his silence. To distract him, Kíli put his arm around Fíli’s waist to draw him closer, and nuzzled Fíli’s stubbly cheek. He didn’t want to discuss that now. It took a moment until Fíli responded by pulling Kíli closer.

* * *

The universe seemed to have conspired to remind Kíli of his weight gain. On Monday, he actually couldn’t close the buttons on his favourite shirt. He threw it back into the closet in frustration. His mood was so foul that a secretary at Erebor squeaked when she came into his office, running off before she could tell him why she had come in the first place. On Tuesday, he dragged himself out of bed in the morning. On his way to the kitchen, he passed Fíli in the living room, who was talking to his mother via Skype. He wasn't using earphones, unfortunately, so Kíli could hear her say:

“Look, you’ve sent me the Christmas pictures. I looked at the old ones again. He’s gained even more weight. You must be concerned, Fíli.”

“He’s my boyfriend, not my bloody dog,” Fíli retorted. That somehow didn’t make Kíli feel better. So if he were a dog, Fíli would put him on a diet? 

On Wednesday, he overheard two of his co-workers when they came back from lunch. One of the women was concerned that her boyfriend would start gaining weight now that his doctor had told him that running was bad for his back. And then the other had said that it was likely he would: “Just look at Kíli. He used to be so fit, but now ….” She didn’t finish the thought, but the implication was fairly obvious. 

*

On Thursday, Kíli looked longingly at the beer aisle at Tesco’s. Then he resolutely forced himself to walk past it. He would manage to lose weight this time. He just had to. 

“Love?” Fíli broke into his musings. 

“Sorry.” Kíli stopped. “Did I forget something?”

“Um, what about your beer? And crisps?” He looked into Kíli’s suspiciously empty basket. His own was filled with vegetables.

“I’m giving up beer. And crisps.”

“All right?”

Fíli didn’t look as happy as he should have about it.

*

Once they were home, Kíli took a trash bag and went through the kitchen cupboards. He could do this. He would throw away all of their unhealthy food so there would be no temptation left in the flat. Fíli, meanwhile, was trying to cook dinner for them, so they stumbled over each other more than once. Once Kíli was finished, Fíli looked at the bag sceptically.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Of course. If I have this stuff in the flat, I’ll eat it.”

“I like the chocolate digestives, though.”

Kíli frowned. “Do we have to keep them? It’s just …”

“Just give them to me, I’ll take them to the office.”

“You’re not worried about your reputation as a health food advocate?”

“I’ll hide them in my desk.” Fíli ignored Kíli’s mocking and dug all of the biscuits out of Kíli’s bag and piled them on the couch.

“Right then.” Kíli eyed the remaining content of the bag longingly. “I’ll take this down to the wheelie bin.”

“Fine.”

*

Later, as Fíli tried to work on his presentation, Kíli began researching diets and healthy eating on the Internet. Fíli had warned him not to do it; there was so much misinformation about dieting on the web and the rest was contradictory and confusing. Whenever he glanced at Kíli, his boyfriend’s eyebrows seemed to be drawn even closer together. 

Fíli tried to ignore Kíli’s questions as well as he could. He was working and could not concentrate on Kíli’s sudden curiosity about nutrition while his mind was occupied with soil quality and how to veil a lack of data. Kíli didn’t seem to need answers most of the time anyway, he was already busy clicking something else while he was still asking. Fíli had also learned not make any comments about Kíli’s eating habits ever since they had started living together. He would not start meddling with Kíli’s nutrition now. 

Especially since he had better things to do at the moment – such as preparing a decent presentation to give in Australia so the department wouldn't regret granting him the money to go. He rubbed his head tiredly when that thought blocked his creativity for the umpteenth time and got up to get some water.

On his way to the kitchen, he stopped behind Kíli’s chair and slung his arm around Kíli from behind, his face buried in Kíli’s hair. Kíli had no right to smell so nice after a hard day. When he said so, Kíli shook his head laughing, but lifted Fíli’s hand up to kiss it. That gesture relaxed Fíli more than any glass of water could.

* * *

“I don’t think I could drink a smoothie with kale,” Kíli remarked, apropos of nothing, as he spooned against Fíli. 

Fíli drew him closer, careful to do it around Kíli’s waist, where he was the narrowest.

“Well, why would you then?”

“It’s supposed to be healthy? Isn’t that weird powder you chuck into your juice something like that?”

“I have more than one green powder,” Fíli replied, amused. “But yes, I’ve got kale powder. You can try it sometime if you want."

“Do you think I should? And wouldn’t it be healthier to use fresh kale instead of powder?”

“Love, our mixer isn’t strong enough to make a proper green smoothie. And you do whatever you want.”

“I want to lose weight.”

“Drinking green smoothies is no requirement for that. People were able to lose weight long before somebody had the bright idea to mix green vegetables with fruit.”

“Hm. But maybe …”

Kíli felt tense against Fíli’s body. Fíli's jaw tightened, and he had to force himself to keep his arms relaxed around Kíli's waist. Yes, it was probably healthier for Kíli to lose the weight. But with all the tension he felt lately at work, he really didn’t need a tense Kíli at night, too. He pressed a kiss behind Kíli’s ear.

“Sleep now. Sleep is healthy too.”

That made Kíli chuckle.

* * *

Fíli sighed as he spotted the time in the corner of his computer screen. 8pm. He was feeling apprehensive as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Yup. Three missed calls and two messages from Kíli. He looked at the last message. Kíli had sent it 30 minutes ago. 

*Don’t tell me you’re still at the office.*

*Guilty. Coming home now.*

*Tell me you had dinner.*

*Nope.*

*Come home. Dinner and then we need to talk.*

Fíli gulped as he looked down at his phone. That sounded ominous. Especially since Kíli hadn’t adorned the message with emoticons as he normally would.

*

When Fíli came home, Kíli did not greet him in the hallway as usual. He frowned as he tugged off his shoes.

“Kíli? Love?”

Fíli hurried to the living room. Was Kíli angry because he was home so late? But he had told him about all of his problems at work, hadn’t he? He found Kíli sitting on the couch, slumped forward and, for some reason, staring at the dragon statue on the mantelpiece. 

“Love?”

“Hey.” Kíli sat up and turned to Fíli. “Sorry, I was … well.”

He pushed himself off of the couch and smiled. It was positively wan by Kíli’s usual standards. But then he pulled Fíli into a hug.

Fíli let his hands glide up as he loosened their hug a bit. He cupped Kíli’s cheeks.

“What’s wrong? Are you angry with me?”

“Angry with you?” Kíli looked so startled that Fíli had to laugh. Kíli frowned slightly.

“Of course I’m not. Let’s get some food into you before I tell you.”

“You’re worrying me now.”

But Fíli was starving, so he let Kíli herd him into the kitchen. Kíli had produced some (white) rice and soggy vegetables. He offered a sauce with it, one loaded with sugar and preservatives. Fíli chuckled indulgently but didn’t tell Kíli why. He was sure that Kíli would learn the art of healthy cooking better without any critical comments.

*

After dinner, they sat on the couch. Kíli put some distance between them, which never promised anything good. But Fíli was a bit relieved when Kíli laughed.

“Don’t pull such a sad face. It’s not that bad.” He scooted closer and put his hand on Fíli’s thigh. “I’m just being a bit over-dramatic. Thorin is sending me to Dale for at least month, and I’m moping because you’ll fly to Australia and New Zealand right after that.”

“Dale?” Fíli frowned. “Why is he sending you to Dale?”

“The manager there was embezzling money, so Thorin had to fire him on the spot. Unfortunately, the assistant manager who would ordinarily be taking over is on maternity leave. So Thorin is sending me there until we’ve found a replacement.”

Fíli sighed and rubbed his forehead. “When do you need to leave?”

“Day after tomorrow. Sorry.”

“Shit.”

Fíli sagged against the backrest of the couch. Kíli edged even closer, and Fíli put his arm around him.

“I’ll be home every weekend.”

“Good.” Then Fíli smirked, angling his head so he could kiss Kíli’s cheek. “We’re both a bit melodramatic, aren’t we? But I’ll miss you.”

Kíli buried his face in Fíli’s neck. And Fíli pulled him even closer, until Kíli was draped over his lap. He would definitely miss the cuddling when Kíli was away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the moment I am kind of using tumblr a lot (too much). It can be found [here](http://chelidona.tumblr.com/)  
> I am always happy about messages etc.


	2. Surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the world's best beta reader, Khafushun! This chapter is so much better thanks to his input! As usual, I fiddled with it after he corrected it, so any remaining mistakes or awkwardness is entirely my fault.

Kíli left on Wednesday morning. He was borrowing Dis’s car for the trip; though he could live comfortably enough in Dublin without a car, it was impossible to get from Oakenshield to the office in Dale without one.

Fíli and Kíli slept in Kíli’s old room the night before he left. They had decided to stay the night at in Dis and Thorin’s house so Kíli could leave at six in next the morning – and get a goodbye kiss from his mother and Fíli. Thorin gave him a hug. He then proceeded to chide Dis and Fíli when they moped over their second breakfast just after Kíli had left. He was right of course; Kíli was hardly at the other end of the world. Still. Fíli was still moping in his office.

Around midday, Fili started feeling a bit nervous. It should have only taken Kíli about 3 hours to get there -- even considering the traffic, Kíli should have been there at 10 o’clock at the latest. 

*

It was 11:45 when his phone finally rang. Fíli smiled when he picked it up.

“Kíli. Love. Finally. Did you make it there okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thought I better get some supplies before I got to the office, I’ll be knackered tonight.”

“You’ve got everything you need now?”

Kíli laughed. “Spare me. I will have that conversation with my mother when I call her later.”

“Sorry.”

“I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

“I know. And I’ll miss my big boy in bed tonight.” 

Fíli only realised what he said once he heard Kíli choking on something on the other end of the line. He blushed and was happy Kíli couldn’t see it.

“Well, I’ll miss my little Kiwi,” Kíli teased.

Fíli resisted the temptation to reply that he wasn’t little, but it was difficult. “I love you.”

The rest of the conversation was filled with sweet little nothings, until Fíli noticed that he still had to get his lunch prepared before he had to meet with a student. He reluctantly ended the call, already impatient to talk to Kili again.

***

His first weekend away, Kíli had to break his promise to be home every weekend. He had only left on Wednesday, after all, and he needed to get settled in. Plus, the assistant manager (the one on maternity leave) had invited him to her home on Saturday. Kíli and Bilbo (who influenced Thorin) felt that he shouldn’t decline the invitation. The poor woman, who had been working at the office in Dale for 10 years, including her internship as a student, felt guilty for being on leave. And Kíli wanted to reassure her that no-one felt any ill-will over the inconvenient timing of her pregnancy. She had the right to start a family.

*

That was why Fíli went to the family dinner on Sunday alone, which felt slightly odd to him. Not because Dis or Thorin (or Bofur or Bilbo) made him feel out of place. It was just that he had never visited his aunt and uncle without Kíli before.

And visiting his family wasn’t the only social activity he had never done without Kíli. Fíli realised that all his social contacts in Dublin depended on Kíli. He had been out with his workmates once, on St.Patrick’s Day, and had invited everyone for the harvest celebration. But somehow, he had never met any of his colleagues outside of work on any other occasion. When he had first started working in Dublin, he had generally had a lunch-break with the rest of the group, but that had petered out over the last few months. In fact, he often didn’t take a lunch-break at all just so he could be home sooner.

But now that Kíli wasn’t there with him, he felt a bit lonely in the evenings. He had never missed having mates of his own in Dublin before, because he had been content to hang out with his boyfriend most of the time instead. And they met up with Kíli’s friends often enough to shake their domestic routine. He just didn’t feel that he could call Tauriel or Gimli to meet them for coffee or beer without Kíli.

***

Kíli was also feeling a bit lonely in Dale. He got on well enough with Bard and his family, but he didn’t know anyone else in the area. And, although it was silly, he really missed Fíli. 

So on Friday night, one and a half weeks after he had gone to Dale, he went to bed right after Fíli called so he could get up early the next day. At 4 am, when his alarm rang, he started doubting if this was such a brilliant idea, but rolled out of bed anyway. 

The shower refreshed him and he felt ready to venture on his drive. His stomach was still too sleepy to eat, so he prepared a couple of sandwiches. That done, he threw his duffel bag into the car and started driving. It was blissfully quiet at that time of the morning. The fog made the landscape seem other-worldly. He wouldn’t have been surprised to see an ancient Irish hero galloping next to his car. 

*

When he drove into Dublin at 7:15, the town had just started to wake up. There was some traffic and many tired people shuffling on the pavement. He knew that his boyfriend would still be hiding under his warm blankets at this time on a Saturday. The thought made him nearly break the speed limit. 

It only took a short while after that until he reached their flat. Fate was with him and he found a place to park near the building immediately. He was practically bouncing up the stairs. He tried to open the door quietly not sure if he had been successful. But, nothing stirred, and there was no light coming from the bedroom. Definitely a good sign. But when he dropped his shoes on the floor, a drowsy voice called out:

“Love?”

Kíli grinned. His boyfriend was so clever.

“Surprise! I’m here!” he announced, beaming as he hurried into the bedroom. The door to it was always open. He could barely make out Fíli on the bed, but he could see that he was propped up on one elbow. Then he heard Fíli chuckle, as he extended one arm.

“Not close enough.”

Kíli lunged onto the bed. The poor thing creaked under his weight, and Fíli tumbled into him. That made Kíli pause. *I’m just too fat.* The thought flashed through his mind for a split-second, but then the warm body pressed against his was suddenly more important. He threw his arm around Fíli and leaned in. Fíli’s dishevelled hair tickled his nose and he had to giggle as he scooted away. Fíli mumbled a protest and clawed his fingers into Kíli’s back. Then, Fíli pushed himself back a bit. In the dim light, Kíli could just make out the confusion in his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Hang on … what time is it? What ….”

“I got up at 4 o’clock,” Kíli told him proudly, threading his fingers idly through Fíli’s hair. “Good surprise?”

“Brilliant.”

Just as Kíli wanted to drag him closer again, Fíli pushed him further away. 

“Sorry? Did I hurt you?” Kíli squinted, trying to figure out what was going on. He heard Fíli chuckle.

“Dork.” He scooted closer again and kissed Kíli’s nose. “You’re cold. And I’m sure you’re dead beat after driving all this way, eh?”

“True.”

“So, let’s cover up and cuddle?”

After some awkward struggling with the blankets and some accidental kicks and punches, they were both snugly ensconced. Fíli sighed happily, as he buried his face in Kíli’s chest. His arm was lazily draped around Kíli’s hips. Fíli exhaled a long sigh of contentment.

“I missed this. You’re such a nice cuddly pillow.”

“Missed you too,” Kíli answered softly. He didn’t like being called cuddly. As far as he was concerned, that was just a euphemism for “fat.” But he didn’t want to spoil the peaceful mood, so he let it pass. He was truly tired, and sleep claimed him soon after they stopped whispering.

***

Once they had finally scrambled out of bed, Fíli cooked them breakfast, or rather, brunch. No bacon. He convinced Kili to try some healthy banana-oat pancakes instead. Kíli admitted that they tasted great, and the cook was very proud. 

As Kíli dutifully put the dishes in the sink after they were finished eating, Fíli engulfed him in a hug from behind and pressed his forehead against Kíli’s back.

“I’ve got a surprise too.” He was nearly bursting with excitement.

Kíli turned around in his embrace with some difficulty and put his hands on Fíli’s bottom, smiling brightly.

“I love surprises.”

Fíli face split into a wide grin.

“Well … I talked to Professor Brown. He suggested that a change of scenery might help me finish my paper more quickly.”

Kíli’s eyes widened.

“You mean …”

“If you want, I can come to Oakenshield with you for a week.”

“Wow,” Kíli gaped. He pulled Fíli closer, still grinning broadly. “That’s bloody marvellous.”

“I know.” Fíli pulled Kíli’s head down for a deep kiss, but Kíli was quicker and crushed their mouths together. Fíli’s surprised squeak was swallowed by Kíli’s mouth. 

Normally, Fíli took the lead, but this time Kíli gave him no chance. In no time flat Fíli found himself walking backwards towards the couch and he was already in his underpants by the time Kíli bent him over. Kíli knelt behind him, tugging the pants off and trailing kisses over Fíli’s thigh. When Kíli reached behind a cushion, he idly noticed that his devilish boyfriend must have planned something like this for a while: Fíli certainly hadn’t known they had a stash of lube hidden behind the cushions of the couch. 

When Kíli pounded into him moments later, he had to muster all his strength to hold himself up and not tumble onto the couch. But he loved every second. Kíli’s low groans, the weight of Kíli’s belly as Kíli bent over him, the erratic movements of Kíli’s hips. That was his Kíli. All enthusiasm and passion. It ended all too soon and Fíli let himself flop onto the couch. 

*

As soon as he had enough energy, he rolled over on his back and caressed Kíli’s stubbly cheek.

“You’re too bloody sexy when you’re forceful.”

His boyfriend looked at him, his frown as fierce as it always was when he was thinking. He was hovering over Fíli on the couch.

“Really?”

He pushed a stray strand of hair out of Fíli’s eyes. Fíli turned his head to kiss the palm of Kíli’s hand.

“Really.”

“Good, I was starting to feel bad...”

“Why?” That didn’t make any sense. They had just had brilliant sex. His confusion must have shown plainly on his face. Kíli grinned sheepishly, his hand still on Fíli’s face.

“Just … normally you’re kind of in charge … and …”

Fíli chuckled weakly. He lifted his tired arm high enough to gesture at his face.

“This is my ‘I just had a brilliant shag’ face, all right? If you see that, you’re all good.”

Kíli laughed, and Fíli wondered where all of his energy came from. He kissed Fíli’s cheek and then got up. 

“Oy, come back!” Fíli tugged at him. Kíli giggled and fought off Fíli’s hand.

“Get up.”

That was a stupid suggestion. He tried to get hold of Kíli again.

“I want to cuddle and I’m truly buggered.”

Kíli lifted his eyebrows, a shy smile curving his mouth.

“We can cuddle on the bed. The couch is really uncomfortable to cuddle on when we’re both laying down.”

“All right then.” Fíli accepted Kíli’s hand and let Kíli pull him up.

“Maybe once I lose weight …”

“Don’t start.” Fíli stalled his hand which was just about to slap Kíli’s arse. It seemed a bad moment to touch his boyfriend like that. “And I could cuddle on the couch with you right now.”

Kíli didn’t reply, he simply led the way to the bedroom. 

Fíli wasn’t really in the mood for cuddling anymore, however. Instead, he threw his bundled up clothes in the hamper and pulled a fresh t-shirt from the drawer. Kíli sat on the bed.

“No cuddling?”

Fíli looked back at him. Kíli looked like a confused and disappointed puppy. His large eyes were widened and his brows drawn up. Despite being tall and big, he looked so tiny and vulnerable now. Fíli sighed as he felt himself melting. Just his luck that his boyfriend was bloody irresistible. He smiled and sat down next to Kíli, rubbing his hand soothingly over Kíli’s shoulder.

“We’ll cuddle if you want.”

“But you …”

“I just thought we might actually do something with the day.” He pointed to the window. “Look, it’s a brilliant day compared to the shitty weather we've had over the last few weeks.”

“Hmm…” Kíli seemed appeased, as he put his head on Fíli’s shoulder. “You’re right. What did you have in mind?”

*

Because Kíli actually had a car at the moment, they settled for a drive to the coast. In January, not many people were attracted by the sea, sunny weather or not. They enjoyed a nice walk along a stony beach while the cold, salty wind lashed at them. Fíli compared it unfavourably to New Zealand’s beaches. 

That lowered the mood when Kíli sulked about Fíli’s imminent departure for the other side of the world. It was smoothed over soon enough. In truth, both men just loved the seaside and they loved the roughness of the sea and the wind too much to let anything get them down. 

They even dared to take off their boots and wade into the water. Kíli endured a couple of seconds longer than Fíli and teased him about that for the rest of the weekend. 

***

They left Dublin on Sunday, just after they had lunch with the family. Dis was delighted that her little boy would not be all alone in the middle of nowhere. Thorin had reprimanded her for treating Kíli like a child, declaring that his nephew was man enough to be alone in the countryside for a while. Especially since, as Bilbo added helpfully, the town of Dale was close. Luckily Kíli was more amused than annoyed when his family debated his situation without him. Before they were allowed to go, Thorin checked the traffic situation on the internet and Dis brewed some tea to put in a thermos for them. 

***

“Should we stop and get some pizza here?” Fíli suggested later as they finally passed through Dale. He knew that Kíli loved the pizza from the local Italian restaurant, but the last time they had been here they hadn’t found the time to go. 

Kíli growled, “Don’t tempt me,” as he drove straight on, not even sparing the place one look.

“Right. Because one pizza is going to ruin your fucking diet.”

“I’m trying to break the habit of eating loads of pizza. And it takes time to build a new habit, so at the moment …”

“Yes, I know, you’ve given me that lecture loads of times.” Fíli felt his frustration simmering. He had only wanted to be nice. He wasn’t very fond of pizza himself.

“Is it too much to ask for you to be a bit supportive?”

Fíli breathed out.

“No, of course not.”

“Then don’t bloody tempt me. Of course I want a fucking pizza. But I’m going to be good and have some stupid veggie soup instead.”

Fíli didn’t reply, he just drummed his fingers on his seat. He suddenly felt bad about the biscuits he had hidden in his suitcase.

*

Kíli was tempted to reach over and put his hand over Fíli’s. But he wasn’t sure how that gesture would be received right at that moment. He knew Fíli had meant well. It was just that, yes, he had been incredibly tempted to get a pizza from that restaurant – he had been every day over the past week when he'd driven past it on his way back from work, in fact. And, not that he would ever confess that to Fíli, but he had actually caved in twice. Even worse, he’d also had a big frozen pizza on his first Sunday by himself in Dale. He sighed.

“Actually, my cooking has improved a bit. And it’s a stew, not soup, that I'm planning to make tonight.”

He heard Fíli exhale slowly. But his voice was cheerful when he replied, “I’m sure your cooking is wonderful, but after your mother’s dinner today, I’m not sure I could eat more than soup.” And then after a moment he added, “Sorry for suggesting pizza just now, eh?”

Kíli laughed, instantly dispelling the awkwardness. “I couldn’t eat one right now either, in any case,” he claimed, and it was quite true. Dis had not only made her usual splendid roast to see them off, but she had gone above and beyond with the pie and custard she had served for dessert. He hadn’t had the heart to say no to his mother, and had eaten plenty of both.

***

Once they had arrived at the house, Fíli was the one who quickly chopped some vegetables and threw them into a big pot of broth. Bard had left them a loaf of soda bread in their mailbox, (compliments of Sigrid), which would go nicely with the soup. 

*

Kíli’s good mood was restored when he carried the luggage into the master bedroom. Which he would share with Fili. He remembered the last time they had been here. It had been about a month before they had gotten together, and he had fantasised about sharing this bed with Fíli. And now they were both here, sharing the room, sharing the house. Of course, they would have to come back later in the year to really enjoy the scenery... But for now, he was just happy that they were both here, together. 

***

Fíli looked at his running shoes. He had taken them on a whim when he had packed for his brief stay at Oakenshield, unsure if he would get the chance to use them. But the weather on Monday was, contrary to the weather report, surprisingly, sunny and dry. It would be a shame to be in these beautiful surroundings and not take advantage of them. There were some hiking maps of the area on the bookshelf, and Fíli found out, to his delight, that one trail passed just behind Oakenshield. It was cold when he stepped outside, and the ground was still soggy. The sort of experience a home trainer couldn’t give you. Fíli felt his mood improve the moment he started to jog towards the trail. 

*

He was only 10 minutes into his run when he nearly ran into a man who had just paused. He managed to stop himself just in time. The other man turned around and smiled. He seemed familiar.

“Sorry.” Then he squinted. “Hang on. Aren’t you Fíli Durin?”

“I am. Hello.” Fíli shook the other man’s hand, remembering him as Bard Bowman, their neighbour. “Fancy meeting someone out here in the middle of the wop-wops.”

“Sorry?”

“Middle of nowhere,” Fíli translated, still smiling. “I didn’t think I’d see anyone out here.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” Bard laughed. “When your family is away, I don’t usually see anyone around here.”

“I hope that having us here isn't going to disturb you.”

Bard looked at him and then burst out laughing. “Look at us, apologizing for using public land. And, to be honest, my kids and I like the diversion of having neighbours from time to time.”

Fíli remembered to thank him for the soda bread left in the mailbox and they started talking naturally.

At some point, they had both started walking again, and Bard suggested that they might as well start running, since that was what they had both set out to do. They soon realized they were at a similar level: though Bard's legs were much longer, the pace he set was very nearly what Fili would have run on his own. So, when they eventually had to part ways so Fili could return home, it seemed only natural to agree to meet again the next day for another run.

***

When Fíli came closer to the house, he saw their car already parked outside and smiled. He was glad to see that his boyfriend was already back from work. Sure enough, when he opened the door, Kíli popped out of the kitchen. 

“There you are! I made some tea, I figured you were outside somewhere.”

“Genius.” Fíli boxed him affectionately. He didn’t have his own car, so where else could he have been? Kíli laughed but frowned when he looked down at Fíli’s feet.

“Get out of those shoes! Jaysus, you do like to get mud all over a hallway, don’t you?”

Fíli grimaced. “Oy. I’m the one cleaning up after myself, be fair.”

“Well, why would I clean it up?”

Fíli glared at him. It wasn’t very impressive, considering that he was currently bent over while he tried to tug off his shoes. 

“So, did you go for a run?” Kíli’s tone was even. 

“Um, yes. I thought I’d take advantage of the nice weather and the surroundings.”

“I don't suppose you'd be up for going on a walk with me then?” 

Fili blinked. This was new; Kíli had never asked him to go on a walk before. “I’m sorry, I didn't know you'd want to go on one...”

“Just thought it might be nice, you know, with the weather being good, but we don’t have to.”

“No, it's fine.” Fíli straightened again and stood on his toes to give Kíli an awkward kiss on the cheek. “Let’s just have some tea so I can warm myself up first?”

“Only if …”

“It’s fine, really.” Fíli cut him off, already bending down again. Kíli turned around and disappeared back into the kitchen. 

*

Once he was gone and the shoes were off, Fíli banged his head against the wall. Kíli and he had certainly mastered the art of awkward conversations lately, hadn't they? He looked down at himself, still clad in his running gear. Maybe the additional exercise would help him feel less tense. He was sure that there must be a way to stop such small, silly issues from becoming so threatening, at least. They shouldn’t have to feel like they were walking on eggshells when they were home. He started to realise that it had turned into a vicious circle. The more they tried to be considerate, the more their frustrations grew, and smaller and smaller things created tension. They needed to find a way out of this. He just didn’t know how to start that conversation without wounding Kíli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this!  
> Just to add, I have a tumblr right here!  
> I appreciate all comments :)


	3. Discomfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli's time together in Oakenshield ends on a sour note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-read, as always by Khafushun! Brilliantly, as always. Thank you so much!

Fíli sat up with a start when he heard something collide against the door of the house. He was relieved to see it was only Kíli, who was carrying a large bag of wood and had apparently banged it against the door frame. He looked slightly dishevelled, as he struggled to get the massive bag (and himself) inside. Still, when he saw Fíli he beamed.

 

“Look at this!”

 

Fíli cocked his head in confusion. “You bought wood?”

 

Kíli grinned triumphantly once the door finally slammed shut behind him.

 

“Well … the weather’s absolutely miserable, so I thought it would be nice for us to stay inside and cuddle in front of a warm fire. What do you think?”

 

Fíli stepped forward to take the damp bag from his boyfriend. “I like that plan.”

 

Kíli bent forward to kiss him, somewhat awkwardly over the bag of wood between them. Fíli didn’t even try to hold his chuckle back.

*

Getting the fire going took much longer than Kíli had thought it would. As he was kneeling on the floor and bending down to fan the flames, he suddenly felt firm hands on his bottom. He yelped and turned his head around to glare at his boyfriend, who had sneaked up on him.

 

“Oy!”

 

Fíli chuckled.

 

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Your arse is just too tempting.”

 

He gave it a squeeze, causing Kili to yelp again, then bent over to place a kiss on his neck. Kíli shivered, and Fíli laughed again and stood up.

 

“Dinner is ready, love.”

 

The wood was finally starting to burn properly, so Kíli nodded.

 

“What are we having?”

 

“Colcannon.”

 

Kíli rolled his eyes as he pushed himself up again.

 

“The grand Irish tradition of ruining perfectly good mashed potatoes?”

 

Fíli laughed.

 

“There’s some boiled ham too, you baby.”

 

Boiled ham. No bacon. Kíli sighed. And no extra butter to melt on the warm potatoes either, he supposed. How wonderful.

*

After dinner (which hadn't been _quite_ as bland as Kíli had feared it would be), the pair of them took some old cushions and woollen blankets and built a little cocoon in front of the fire. Under the cover of the blankets, Fíli’s hands soon found Kíli’s bottom again. He didn’t know what it was, but he could never keep his hands from that particular body part for long. It was so generous and pillowy and bouncy and to see it and feel it made him hot inside.

 

Kíli giggled without meaning too. It was so typical Fíli to begin groping him. And he liked the feeling of those two strong hands grabbing him; there was nothing that made him feel as wanted as Fíli’s slight obsession with his backside. He let his own hand roam over Fíli’s back, letting it slip under his boyfriend’s t-shirt and rubbing against the soft skin of his lower back.

 

Their movements were almost languid, undressing each other under the blankets, exploring exposed skin with gentle fingers, relishing the warmth from each other's body as well as the heat radiating from the fire. Soon Fíli turned around, facing the fire. He was not surprised to find that Kíli had hidden lube underneath the cushions, and he welcomed the enquiring finger he felt at his entrance soon after.

 

Kíli sighed as he finally slid into Fíli a few moments later. It felt more intimate than passionate, this time. He buried his nose in Fíli’s hair as he slowly began to move his hips. He could hear the rain pelting against the windows and the logs crackling in the fireplace, and everything in the world felt just right.

 

***

 

After such a wonderful evening, it only stood to reason that the very next day (which also happened to be Fili's last in Oakenshield) would turn into a bit of a disaster. And it all had to do with a rugby game that Fíli wanted to watch. Kíli, however, was not in the mood to watch sports.

 

“I thought you liked rugby,” Fíli complained.

 

“I do!” Kíli grumbled. “Just … I always drink beer when I watch it.”

 

“And?”

 

“I can’t drink it right now, can I? I'm trying to lose weight!”

 

“So I can’t watch what I want on TV because _you_ decided to give up beer?”

 

“What the hell happened to being supportive?”

 

“'Supportive' doesn’t mean I have to give up watching my favourite games just because _you_ can only enjoy them when you drink! That’s absolutely ridiculous!”

 

He regretted the words just as soon as they had left his mouth. Kíli bit his lips and made an admirable attempt at glaring at him, but his eyes shone with hurt as he did so.

 

“I’m sorry,” Fili said immediately.

 

“It’s fine.” Kíli shrugged, but his smile was entirely unconvincing.

*

In the end, Kíli retreated to the bedroom to read, leaving Fíli to his game. However, Fíli soon found he could barely concentrate on it, and after 20 minutes, he cautiously knocked on the open bedroom door. Kíli was curled up underneath the covers with a book in hand, but Fíli could tell he wasn’t actually reading it. After a moment, Kíli turned and glowered at Fíli.

 

“What is it? It can’t be half-time already.”

 

“No.” Fíli tried to lean against the door frame nonchalantly, but he felt silly and immediately straightened up again. “It’s just … I leave tomorrow and …” He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. “It feels wrong to sit in the living room by myself, I guess?”

 

“I told you …”

 

“I know,” Fíli murmured. “But maybe I could come to bed too and read something? You know, just to be next to you?”

 

Kíli eyes lit up. “ Absolutely.”

*

Fíli went to the living room to get his own book. Inspiration struck as he passed by the kitchen, however, and he stepped inside to make a quick detour.

 

“I come bearing gifts,” he announced when he entered the bedroom again. Kíli laughed when he saw the plate of apple slices.

 

“You brought me a snack? You’re the best.”

 

Fíli put the plate on Kíli lap and kissed his cheek. The tension evaporated as they shared the apple slices, and Kíli read his book to Fíli.

 

***

 

All too soon, their week together was over, and Fíli was back in Dublin. It did not feel good to be back; in fact, their flat seemed even emptier than ever. He kicked their shoe cabinet as he made his way inside. The door opened and his wellies fell out. Fíli ignored them.

 

Instead, Fíli slouched towards the kitchen to make himself some tea. Even though he and Kíli had made up in the end, and had even shared a long goodbye kiss, he felt a heavy weight in his chest whenever he thought of Kíli and their relationship. Relationships weren't supposed to be this complicated, were they?

 

He watched his tea steep with tired eyes. His forehead was starting to throb, too, which just figured: the last thing he needed was a headache, to top it all off. It was then that he realized he hadn't texted Kíli yet to let him know he had arrived safely. With a sigh, he pulled out his phone.

 

* * *

 

Monday, thankfully, looked much brighter. Fíli had lunch with Faramir, who was now very close to finishing his thesis. They talked about what they had done over the weekend, and Fíli found out that Faramir also loved running. This came as a pleasant surprise, and Fíli immediately asked if there were any good routes around Dublin, since he didn't know of any. Before he knew it, they had arranged to meet the next day after work for a run.

 

They started at their building at the University College, and from there, they ran towards the seaside. It wasn’t as nice as being out in the country, but Fíli found he enjoyed the scenery near the coast much more than any other route he had tried in Dublin. It was no surprise that he found himself agreeing to meet Faramir for another run later that week.

 

When Fíli finally pulled out his phone that evening, he noticed three missed calls from Kíli. He should have guessed: usually Fíli would have called him by then. He imagined that Kíli must be wondering what was going on.

 

***

 

Kíli felt sad every time Fíli mentioned running on the phone. They had said they wanted to start being more active together, but now it seemed like Fíli had begun without him.

 

But there was nothing to stop him from going running by himself. He spent a ridiculous sum of money on running shoes. The shop assistant had tried to be very subtle about the amount of additional shock absorption and support required for somebody as heavy as Kíli, and though he knew the man was just doing his job, Kíli hadn't liked the reminder. He also hadn't needed the “good for you” smile the cashier had given him.

*

Needless to say, he was feeling grumpy when he set out from Oakenshield that afternoon. Especially when he noticed, once he was already in the woods, that he had forgotten his water bottle. That alone was not the most auspicious beginning.

 

Even worse, it didn’t take long for Kíli to figure out that he was _really_ out of shape. He supposed he hadn't been doing enough cardio at the gym, the few times he had actually made it there recently. The thought occupied him so much that he didn’t see the hole in the path that had been caused by the recent rain. A split-second later he was laying flat on the ground, his knee radiating pain.

 

Kíli gritted his teeth. Unwelcome memories from the injury that had ended his career immediately came to mind. But this, he knew, wasn’t so bad. Back then he had been screaming in pain, and his vision had blurred. Now at least he could take a deep breath and think clearly. He may have forgotten his water bottle back in Oakenshield, but at least he had remembered to bring his phone.

 

* * *

 

Kíli felt utterly humiliated as Bard help him hobble back to Oakenshield. Once Kíli had changed his clothes and cleaned himself as well as he could, Bard drove him to the local clinic. Luckily, it turned out that all he had done was strain his knee. Nothing was permanently damaged.

 

The downside, however, was that Kíli would not be able to drive his car until his knee had healed. Bard assured him that it was no problem: he could take Kíli to and from work, particularly since Bard was working part time in Dale and would be driving there anyway. If Kíli had only needed to worry about getting to and from Dale, then his inability to drive really would not have been a problem.

 

However, Kíli had been planning to drive to Dublin that weekend: Fíli was flying to Australia on Saturday, and Kíli had planned to take Friday off so he could say goodbye in person. He couldn't ask Bard to drive him all the way to Cork just so he could take the train to Dublin. In theory, he could get a taxi from Oakenshield to Cork, but even though he was quite affluent for his age, the price was daunting.

*

In the end, he called Fíli to get his opinion. Of course, his boyfriend was more focused on the fact that he was injured, and Kíli started to get a bit exasperated when Fíli kept on fussing.

 

“Stop it, Fíli. I’ll get enough of that when I call my mother later. Tell me, do you think it would be a good idea to get a taxi to Cork on Friday?”

 

“A taxi? To Cork? Why?”

 

“To take the train to Dublin, you dolt.”

 

“What? No!”

 

The surprise in Fíli’s voice felt like a cold shower. “Don’t you want to see me?” Kíli asked quietly.

 

He heard Fíli sigh. “Of course I want to see you. I always want to see you, you should know that. But you need to rest your knee. I don’t like the idea of you hobbling around the train station just to see me for one night. You need to take care of yourself.”

 

“But I want to see you before you fly away!” Kíli whined. “I’ll miss you so much.”

 

“I’ll miss you too.” Fíli’s voice was soft now. “I _already_ miss you. But let’s be adults, all right? I'll only be gone for three weeks. And hopefully once I’m back, you'll already be back in Dublin, and then I’ll be able to see you every day.”

 

“All right then.” Kíli rubbed his own nose. It was reasonable, and he _knew_ that Fíli cared about him. Still, a large part of him wanted to go to Dublin anyway, injuries be damned.

 

***

 

Fíli raked his fingers through his hair. He felt like pulling it. Why his mother thought it was necessary to plan every last minute of his stay in New Zealand was beyond him.

 

He set his phone down with an irritated groan. The last thing he had wanted to deal with before leaving Dublin was a last-minute phone call from his mother. As he looked at the screen to finally disconnect, he noticed that he had missed three calls from Kíli while they had been talking. He smiled and quickly called back, eager to hear from someone that he _actually_ felt like talking to.

 

“Hey love.”

 

“Hey.” Kíli sounded morose and Fíli rolled his eyes. _That_ already sounded promising. He suddenly wished he had waited a while longer after talking with his mum to call Kíli back.

 

“How's it going in Oakenshield?”

 

Kíli groaned. “Don’t remind me. I just … I just want to be in Dublin now, to properly say goodbye...”

 

“I’d love for you to be here.” Fíli’s voice was tender now. “But it can’t be helped, you busted your knee--”

 

“I didn’t do that on purpose!” Fíli could just picture the little frown on Kíli’s face right now.

 

“I know, love, I know. Accidents happen.”

 

“Especially when you’re fat and think you can just go for a run.”

 

“Really, stop whining.” Fíli winced at how harsh his voice sounded. “I mean …”

 

“I know what you meant,” Kíli cut in. “I’m sorry to have bothered you with my whining. I bet that’s why you didn’t want me to come, isn’t it? Well, I hope you have a nice flight tomorrow.”

 

Fíli stared at the phone, frozen for a moment before he gathered his wits.

 

“Thank you? Is it …. I’ll send you a message once I’m in Adelaide, all right?”

 

“You better.”

 

“I will.”

 

“Good.”

 

Fíli sank down on the couch when the phone call ended. He hated himself sometimes for his rash reactions. Normally, he had so much self-control, but around those he loved the most, he always seemed to lose his composure. Even if Kíli’s whining about his weight was annoying, it was understandable. Surely a good boyfriend would have more patience. He picked up the phone again to send a text: _I'm sorry._

 

A minute later Kíli answered: _I'm sorry too._

 

Despite the apologies, Fíli felt hollow. He looked at his suitcases, already standing in the hallway, with a sinking feeling. In the morning, he would go to the airport and fly to the other side of the world... when what he _really_ needed to do was stay here and fix things with Kíli.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Colcannon is an irish side-dish; mashed potatoes with cabbage or kale. Of course Kíli knows his boyfriend and could guess that it would be kale :) (Also partly because I, the author, absolutely love kale and I'm so happy that the craze around it has finally brought it to Switzerland).


	4. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli is in New Zealand, Kíli is in Ireland and both are not happy with their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought this story was abandoned, you were in good company (mine) ... I thought I'd never find the inspiration to write this chapter, I had just this massive block, but it is gone now. Hurray!  
> Thank you @khafushun for betaeing and editing! It was hard work for him this time, the first version of the chapter was a bloated mess ;)

The conference Fíli attended in Adelaide was crowded; all the people Fíli had hoped to meet were there. These were people who rarely made it to conferences in Europe, and it was for opportunities such as these that he had come all that way. 

His presentation was still based on less data than he would have liked, but overall it went well. If there was one skill he had, it was faking self-confidence. He managed to answer one question about his sparse data, but he responded with so much arrogance, that two attendees with follow-up questions put their hands down immediately. 

After the last presentation, drinks were served on tiny but high square tables, and he stayed for a while to talk to a few people. His eyes fell on the clock on the wall. It was getting late. Kíli was at work now, and Fíli had not even sent him a message, despite his promise of giving him a quick call after his presentation.

So, Fíli excused himself and quickly went outside to send Kíli an apology. He toyed with his phone, waiting for Kíli to reply and contemplating the grey sky outside of the window. Kíli answered soon enough, telling him it was okay, but his message was short. 

* * *

When Kíli entered the small office building in Dale, he was 45 minutes late because he had waited for Fíli’s call. Was it a good sign or a bad sign that he had not called after the presentation as promised? As he did every morning, he stubbed his toe on the yellow box protruding from the shelf next to his desk. Swearing colourfully, he sat down to get to work. He was still on the phone, when his mobile beeped. Fíli’s name appeared on the screen. He hastily finished his call and opened the message. Fíli had just forgotten to message him, everything was fine. Kíli responded quickly, telling Fíli that it was okay. And it really was. Or should be. Kíli was drawing small circles on the desk with his fingers as he went through some of the pictures on his phone. Fíli featured in them prominently. 

Would Fíli have forgotten to call him a year ago?

*

In the evening, Kíli kindled a fire again, just for himself. He stared into it. Not even 10 minutes away, Bard and his family were sitting down to dinner too. They currently did not have any guests staying with them, and Bard had invited Kíli over to join them repeatedly. The man had known him ever since Kíli had been a toddler and knew that Kíli needed company. Any time he wanted, Bard promised, he could just come over and have dinner with them, and maybe sleep there. 

Bard was right, he could use the company. True, his colleagues at work liked him well enough. They were a bit distant at times, because he was the heir to the company, but that had not stopped them from inviting him to come to the pub with them after work. But he turned them down, every time, just as he turned down Bard. He needed to lose weight. Going to the pub or eating one of Bard’s fantastic meals would just throw him back. He needed to stay away from temptation until he was strong enough to withstand it.

*

And so it was that two days after Fili’s presentation, Kili found himself at home alone and feeling sorry for himself. He knew that, at that very moment, Fíli was on his way to visit his mother in New Zealand. His very fatphobic mother. Who would undoubtedly try to convince Fíli that Kíli was not good enough for him. He stared at his bowl of ice cream. And she wouldn’t be entirely wrong. He clearly had no willpower. The spoon clattered against the fireplace as Kíli threw it away.

He pulled out the phone and looked at the picture Fíli had sent him from Adelaide airport a few hours earlier. He looked at the clock. It was early morning over there now and Fíli was on a flight from Australia to New Zealand. His phone beeped.

_***I’m in Melbourne now. Flight is delayed. You don’t need to stay up.*** _

Kíli blinked. He knew it was silly to feel rejected, Fíli knew he had work in the morning and it would be stupid to stay up all night.

_*Okay. Thank you.*_

_***I love you.*** _

Oops. He probably should have written that first.

 _*Love you too*_ he typed quickly and added some hearts and a kissing emoticon. Fíli sent a heart back. It made Kíli smile. It was ridiculous to imagine Fíli drifting away from him, just because he was physically on the other side of the world. His home.

Kíli jumped up and went through the kitchen, viciously throwing everything with any sugar or too much fat into a bag. That had been his mistake today. Just wanting to “finish” the ice cream that was still in the freezer. It was just as wasted in his body as in the bin. The kitchen was soon splattered with full fat milk, strawberry yoghurt, and crisp packets, as Kili tended to miss the bag more often than not when he threw things away. Cursing, he picked everything up again, put it in the bag and hauled it outside. Once that was done, he had to clean the stupid kitchen. Moving too vigorously, he twisted his knee on a spot of yoghurt, gripping the table just before he could fall. He took a deep breath and gingerly moved his knee. It was a bit painful, but not too bad. He really needed to be more careful.

***

Fíli’s feet became twitchy before he had even landed in Auckland. He had a seat at the window and nearly gasped whenever he saw a familiar landmark. Up to now, he had not realised how much he had missed home.

His mother was waiting for him in arrivals, and despite all their fights on the phone, Fíli was overjoyed to see her. Judging by her huge smile, she was happy to see her son too. She tousled his hair as if he was still a small child, and insisted on taking his suitcase. Her anger over his failure to come home over Christmas was forgotten, as she happily made plans for the week, promising to cook all his favourite dishes. She even asked how Kíli was. Fíli felt more excited than he had in ages as they drove from the airport through the familiar streets towards home. 

As soon as he put his suitcase in his old room, which had been transformed into a guestroom, he explored his old neighbourhood. The woman in the dairy still recognized him.

Over the next week, Fíli managed to catch up with old friends from university. Some, who had known him in his wild student days, were surprised that he lived with a steady boyfriend now. He was invited to a barbecue at the beach and he went on a weekend trip to Waiheke. 

He had missed this. He had missed this so much. His home, the familiarity, and his friends. He felt a bit guilty when he noticed that he was actually relieved Kíli wasn’t at the barbecue; he would have just moaned about there being too much temptation. And whether he would have ended up regretting too much or be miserable because he didn’t eat half of what he wanted, he would have dragged the mood down.

Of course, he still talked to Kíli on the phone every day for a couple of minutes. But his boyfriend felt distant now; not only by the physical distance between them. He still loved Kíli, but he hardly knew what to say. One year ago, it had been so easy between them. Now he felt tongue-tied. He could tell that Kíli didn’t like hearing about his little adventures with his friends. Kíli still kept himself secluded; Fíli had dared to say once that this was overdoing his diet, that he needed to get out and be around people. Kíli had reacted so badly, accusing him of not understanding what a struggle losing weight was, of not taking him seriously enough, that Fíli decided to leave that topic alone.

It was true that he had never been on a diet, he had always been in a healthy weight range, but he knew his boyfriend well enough to know that being alone was just as bad for him as excess weight. But he should have learned long ago that meddling with anything regarding Kíli’s weight was asking for trouble.

***

Finally, finally, Fíli’s time on the other side of the world came to an end. Kíli was looking forward to having his boyfriend back home. During the last weeks, he had keenly felt the distance between them, but now that they were about to share the same space again, they would surely reconnect. It had been hard to talk on the phone; Kíli was aware that it was largely his own fault, he was so jealous of Fíli’s friends and worried that they would convince Fíli to look for a job closer to home. Kíli knew that in academia, people tended to move around quite a lot. Most people at Fíli’s level would move country every few years. Kíli, however, was tied to Ireland. Erebor Inc. had no permanent offices anywhere outside the country.

A hand on his shoulder made him jump.

“Love?”

“Huh?”

Kíli turned around. Fíli was standing right next to him. He looked exhausted but a small smile played around his mouth, his dimples a faint shadow.

“I hope you were daydreaming of me.”

“Of course I was.” Kíli gave him a quick hug; he did not want to attract too much attention by kissing him. Fíli chuckled.

“That’s good then.”

Kíli gave him a little shove. “Who else would I be daydreaming about? I’m so happy to have you back!”

Fíli smiled. “You look good.”

“Thank you. You look like shite.” Kíli answered on autopilot. Fíli had not said he was happy to be back. Kíli filed that information away even as Fíli pinched him.

“I just spent 26 hours in planes and airports. Give me a break.”

“Fair enough.” Kíli smiled. “And you still look better than anyone else here.”

*

When they arrived at their flat, Kíli carried Fili’s luggage up, same as he had nearly a year earlier. As soon as the door to the flat closed, Fíli let himself fall against Kíli. Kíli laughed, catching his boyfriend in his arms.

“Tired, love?”

Fíli sighed against Kíli’s chest.

“Shattered.”

“Shall we get you to bed then?”

Bed sounded way too good. Fíli put his arms loosely around Kíli’s neck - that was so much effort - and shook his head slowly.

“Best way to combat jet lag is to adapt to the time zone immediately. I can’t go to sleep now, it’s early afternoon here.”

Kíli kissed his hair tenderly. “Well, what about an afternoon nap? Cuddling in bed?”

Fíli frowned when he noted a hint of insecurity in Kíli’s tone. Kíli was not supposed to be insecure. And the proposal was too attractive to be resisted.

“Afternoon naps are splendid. And cuddles too.”

*

Cuddles were great. Kíli wrapped Fíli with his body, winding a possessive arm around his middle. But Fíli soon drifted off to sleep, burying his head in Kíli’s chest, their legs entangled.

Then somebody shook him fiercely. He opened his blurry eyes to look into Kíli’s very apologetic face.

“You told me not to let you sleep all afternoon, and I tried to wake you up more gently.”

“You’re good.” Fíli tried to stretch on the bed.

“Are you up for dinner?”

“Maybe …” Fíli was not quite sure he could stomach anything, but he let Kíli pull him up. And then he said the wrong thing again.

“Has your knee healed up?”

Kíli’s brow darkened. “Yea. It wasn’t that bad. Just a stupid accident. I shouldn’t try to run.”

“I was so sorry I couldn’t be there for you.”

“I was fine. Bard drove me most of the time, or somebody from the office. I can take care of myself.”

Fíli sighed softly. “I know, love.”

He was too tired to argue, but he could tell that the accident was still a sore spot.

***

Fíli hadn’t expected the homesickness that overcame him soon after he returned to Ireland. After he had first moved, everything had been exciting: he had instantly become friends with Kíli, and developed a crush on him almost as instantly, and then they had become a couple. He had not found the time to miss home. Now, however, he realised just how much he missed Auckland. The streets he’d known since he was a toddler. The way people talked. The Irish accent was charming, but not home. And in Auckland he still had friends. People who called him to invite him over to watch a game. Or have a barbecue. Even go out for a drink.

In Dublin, he had occasionally tagged along when Kíli went to the pub with Gímli. They had met up with Tauriel and Legolas from time to time. He had met Kíli’s old mates from his football days too, but found that he was thoroughly bored in their company. But even hanging out with them would have been better than nothing, but now Kíli never wanted to go out. He just frowned when Fíli brought it up and said he was not in the mood.

Fili had sent a text to Faramir as soon as he was home, and they met to go for a run twice a week. That was great, but it was not so great to see how morose Kíli was whenever he left.

Fíli began to hate the idea of Kíli losing weight with a passion. Dieting had turned his cheerful, easy going boyfriend into a brooding, morose young man, who was inclined to find an insult behind everything. He did make progress in his diet, but much too slow for his impatient nature. Fíli knew he could be more supportive, but all his good intentions flew out of the window when Kíli started to complain about something trivial.

***

Everything came to a head during a Sunday dinner a couple of weeks after Fíli had come back from New Zealand. Thorin was in high spirits. Kíli, on the other hand, was feeling on edge. He had tried once to decline his mother’s roast and the rich dessert, but she had been so hurt, that he now ate just as much as he always had. Moderation was not part of his nature; either he didn’t eat the gravy or he poured so much on his plate that it nearly overflowed. Either he had no pudding, or he heaped it on his plate. So his mood was already bad when Thorin brought out one of his best bottles of Whiskey after they had treacle pudding. They could all feel that Thorin was about to announce something. And indeed, his uncle smiled broadly at all those present – Bilbo, Fíli, Kíli, Dis, Bofur, Bifur, Dwalin, Balin, and Balin’s wife, Moira.

“Recent polls have made me so optimistic, for once in my life, that the referendum will pass, that I have proposed to Bilbo.” He looked down at Bilbo with so much affection that it nearly made everyone uncomfortable to be present. “He has said yes.”

After they all cheered, Bilbo took Thorin’s hand and smirked. “And if the Irish prove to be dumber than I think they are, we’ll get married in England. But anyway, you are all invited to our wedding this autumn.”

“That’s wonderful.” Dis was crying, smiling and laughing at the same time, hugging her brother so tightly that he had to gently disentangle himself. Kíli came next and hugged Thorin just as tightly. His own relationship with Fíli might be on the rocks, but that did not mean that he could not be overjoyed that his uncle, the man whom he had always treated as his father, had found love and was engaged after a lifetime of being too afraid of a relationship. Thorin deserved all the happiness in the world.

Kili’s mood changed abruptly when his mother said that they needed to invite Fíli’s mother to Thorin’s wedding, adding that she was sure Fíli was eager to show her his new home. Dis had no idea how much Kíli hated the woman he had never met.

And Fíli, instead of evading the question, nodded and agreed with her. Yes, it would be a fantastic idea to have his mother over.

It took all Kíli had to keep smiling and not spoil Thorin’s impromptu engagement party by showing the tiniest glimpse of his feelings.

*

He was not so successful on the bus, apparently. They had not talked at all. Fíli put the leftovers Dis had given them in their fridge, then he came to the living room, where Kíli had just switched on the TV. Fíli stood in front of Kíli, obscuring his view of the screen.

“So what’s up?”

Kíli glared at him. “What do you think?”

“I have no idea.”

“Your mother!” Kíli shouted, unable to keep his frustration in any longer. “You want to have your mother over for Thorin’s wedding!”

Fíli blinked. “Well … yes? It was your mother’s idea, but I think it would be …”

Kíli jumped up.

“You think it’d be a good idea to invite a woman who’ll belittle one of the grooms for his weight? Bilbo’s not exactly skinny, in case you hadn’t noticed! Yeah, that’ll be grand, just what we need at a wedding. Not to mention that she thinks I’m not good enough for you!”

“But she’s my MOTHER!” Fíli folded his arms. “And she’s Thorin’s sister-in-law. Once she meets you …”

“Oh, once she meets me it’ll all be okay? Maybe if you’d actually help me lose weight…”

“What the fuck, Kíli?! This has nothing to do with your stupid dieting …”

“It’s not stupid! It’s important to me, and if you’d cared for my health instead of your _kink_ …”

“Oh, fuck off!” Fíli looked like a thundercloud and Kíli nearly recoiled. They were both silent for a moment, just glaring at each other. Then Fíli bit his lip and sighed. “There’s no point to this.”

“No point to what?” Kíli was still feeling belligerent. There was a point to this argument. He wanted Fíli to understand.

Fíli massaged his brows tiredly.

“No point to continuing like this. If you still think, after one year, that the only reason I’m with you is because I find you attractive … I don’t know what else I can do. And we argue all the time. When was the last time we had lunch together? We used to do that all the time. When did we go for two days without a fight? It’s just …” Fíli choked a little. “I love you, Kíli, but I can’t do this anymore. This relationship, it’s not healthy for either of us.”

“No, Fíli, I …” Kíli couldn’t go on. Everything Fíli had said was true, but he needed to say something, anything. He didn’t want to lose Fíli, not ever.

“There’s nothing left to say,” Fíli said heavily. “I’ll go pack a bag.”

Words tumbled out of Kíli’s mouth, disjointed. He couldn’t make sense of any of this.

“But … but … where … where will you go? Please, Fíli, let’s just … please … let’s just … just stay and tomorrow we can …”

“I’ll go to a hotel,” Fíli cut him off. “I’m sorry, Kíli, but you know as well as I do that we just don’t get on.”

“We do!” Kíli protested, feeling hot tears roll down his cheeks. “Please, Fíli, I’ll be better, I won’t start fights anymore, I …”

“It’s not your fault, Kíli.” Fíli’s voice was almost gentle. “It isn’t. But I can’t stay. It’s just going to make us both miserable.”

“No …” But Kíli’s voice sounded feeble even to himself. He let himself fall back on the couch and tried to stem the flood of his tears by digging his palms into his eyes. It didn’t work. He still couldn’t believe this was happening. Fíli left the room, while Kíli was crying, shaking as he tried to get up to stop Fíli, but couldn’t.

Kíli didn’t know how much time had passed until Fíli stood in the door to the living room. He looked up, seeing Fíli’s bag slung over his shoulder, and he couldn’t force out any words. He could tell that Fíli had been crying too, but his voice was steady.

“I’ll be going then. I … I am really sorry Kíli, I really wanted this to work, but … we need to face the facts.”

What facts? Kíli thought bitterly, but still no words came out as he just looked at Fíli, hoping against hope that Fíli would change his mind. But Fíli just sighed.

“So … I … once I find a new place, I’ll … I’ll be in touch to get the rest of my stuff. I … I am so sorry, Kíli.”

And with that he turned around. Kíli couldn’t move. He bit his lip until it throbbed, when he heard the door to their flat click. Fíli had just walked out of the relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry ... Fíli is a bit of an idiot (and Kíli too) but please give him a chance to grow and get things right :)


	5. Separate ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the break-up, Fíli and Kíli have to adjust to live without each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you again @khafushun. His suggestions, as always, helped to make the chapter much better.  
> (Seriously, this story is hard for me to write atm, I couldn't do it without him).

Fíli had to stop outside the house to stop his own tears. He took a couple of deep breaths. He wanted nothing more than to run back up the stairs, hug Kíli, and tell him everything would be all right.

But it wouldn’t be.

He resolutely adjusted the strap of his bag and walked down the street. There was a taxi rank a little further, at the square. He needed to get away. The question was where.

Sighing, he sat down on the nearest bench. Right. Planning. He needed to find a hotel.

When he took out his smartphone, he was greeted by Kíli’s smiling face. He would need to change that. Change it soon. He looked back towards their flat. Kíli was there. Crying. And it was his fault.

Fíli felt his own tears threatening to spill. He quickly unlocked his phone. His fingers were trembling as he tried to do a google search for hotels, but he wasn’t able to type properly.

In his desperation, he went to his contacts. Shaky as he was, he managed to click on Faramir’s name.

“Fíli? What’s up?”

Faramir’s voice was cheerful.

“Faramir. I … I need your help. Do you know any hotels near the university that are not too expensive?”

“Hotels … no … em … why? Did something happen to your flat?”

“No … I …” Fíli was reluctant to admit it.

“Can’t you go to Kíli’s family?”

“No … we … we split up,” Fíli said as quickly as possible.

There was silence on the other end.

“And you want to go to a hotel?” Faramir asked. Fíli could have slapped him at that moment.

“Yes,” he snapped. “I can’t stay in the same flat with him right now.”

“All right, all right … look, why don’t you come to my place. You can have my room for the night, I’ll crash on the floor of Boromir’s room, and you can figure it out from there?”

“I don’t want to impose,” Fíli said stiffly, his fingers clamping the phone.

“It’s no imposition,” Faramir assured him. “I understand that you don’t want to be around people, but I seriously don’t know any hotels in Dublin and it would take us ages to find a good one. It’s not getting any earlier. You can just hide in my room, we’ll leave you alone.”

When Fíli was silent he added. “Fíli, you’re a friend. I’ve already handed in my Master’s thesis, so there’s nothing unethical about accepting my offer.”

“Thank you. I feel that I shouldn’t, but …” His voice began to fade.

“I’ll text you the address.”

“Cheers.”

Fíli ended the call, feeling numb. Some part of him, he was sure, was happy right now because Faramir had called him a friend. But that thought was immediately overshadowed by the overwhelming despair he felt.

He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to run back, tell Kíli he was sorry, that they would make this work, that he had never wanted to lose Kíli.

But he couldn’t. He had walked out. He wasn’t the right person to console Kíli. In the last few months, he had always just managed to make matters worse if he tried to cheer Kíli up. And even though he was still desperately in love with Kíli, it hadn't worked. It wouldn’t work if he ran back now. Kíli, being Kíli, would probably forgive him for what he had said, but the thorn would always be there.

*

He walked down and got into a taxi, once he had Faramir’s address. Sitting on the soft leather seat, watching the street pass by, the Tesco where they always shopped, made it all too real. This had really happened. He had walked out on Kíli.

He felt like the biggest bastard in the world. But they weren’t right for each other, that much seemed clear now. Even though he knew this was hurting both of them.

*

10 minutes later, the taxi stopped outside a big block of flats in the North of Dublin. He had never been there before, but he knew Faramir shared a flat with his brother and three friends. This probably wasn’t the best opportunity to become acquainted with them, but at this point, he was too exhausted to tell the taxi driver to take him back to town.

His arm felt so heavy, he was barely able to reach the doorbell. He was buzzed in and climbed the two flights of stairs to the flat, where Faramir was already waiting at the door, looking worried.

Fíli gave him a tired smile.

“Fíli. Glad you could make it! Come in … I’ll show you my room …” They passed through the living room. “You know Boromir, the others are Aragorn, Merry, and Pippin. Proper introductions can wait until tomorrow, guys, Fíli is tired.”

Despite himself, Fíli had to smile. He felt a bit like a baby chick hurried through a farmyard by a clucking mother hen.

“It’s a bit messy, sorry … but I just put fresh sheets on the bed, so you should be fine.”

Fíli nodded and put his bag down. He bit his lip.

“Thank you so much Faramir, I … I really don’t know what to say. I’m just …”

“You’re exhausted,” Faramir ended the sentence for him. “It’s fine. I’ll leave you to settle in. Are you hungry? We’ve got …”

“I really couldn’t eat anything right now.” Fíli’s stomach roiled just at the idea.

“I see. Good night then … the bathroom is two doors down, the one with the sign.”

When door clicked behind Faramir, Fíli sat down on the bed. It was soft. Strange. The room was not messy at all. A bookshelf full of fantasy and historical novels. A desk with neat piles of paper. Faramir’s job applications, he supposed. An empty spot where Faramir’s laptop would usually be. A woven carpet in front of the bed, showing a little pattern of white trees on dark blue background. Nothing was as it was at home... He swallowed. But that wasn’t his home. Not anymore. There was no Kíli on the other side of the door. There was Faramir with Boromir and three strangers.

He was truly exhausted. Even though he knew wouldn’t be able to get any sleep, he undressed and pulled a t-shirt out of his bag to sleep in.

His brain reminded him of all the good times with Kíli, flashing Kíli’s smile and his laughter in front of his closed eyes, just to fast forward to the look of utter shock and betrayal when Fíli had walked out.

He would never forgive himself for having destroyed his relationship with Kíli. There must have been something he could have done to save it. Not now, but months ago. But, try as he might, his tired mind could not come up with anything he could have done differently. He couldn’t pinpoint what had gone wrong. He should maybe have been a bit less irritated with Kíli’s dieting, but then again, by the time Kíli started, he had already been so overly sensitive about everything Fíli said or did. Fíli was tired of that, tired of always having to be careful about what he said. That wasn’t how he wanted to live his live. _This is for the best_ , he tried to convince himself. 

* * *

Kíli sat on the couch for what felt like an eternity. He waited for Fíli to come back, to say he was sorry and that they could make it work.

But Fíli didn’t come back. Slowly, reality weighed down on him. Fíli was truly gone.

Once he had managed to stop crying a little bit, he pulled out his phone. He wanted to call his mother, but he was too angry with her for suggesting that Fíli’s mother might come to Thorin and Bilbo’s wedding. It if hadn’t been for her, Fíli would be here with him now.

At some later stage he would acknowledge the little voice telling him that if it hadn’t been today, it would have been next week. Right now, though, he couldn’t.

He sent a message to Tauriel instead. He tried to formulate something coherent but ended up writing _*Filo s gooen.*_

Two minutes later, she rang. He couldn’t even manage to tell her what was wrong, choking on his words. She told him she would be over immediately and that he should hold on.

20 minutes later, she was at the door, carrying a bag of sandwiches and tissues. There were no questions; Tauriel knew he wasn’t ready to talk. She just hugged him tightly when he opened the door and pulled him to sit down at the couch while she made a pot of tea.

It was comforting just to have her there. She handed him new tissues when he needed them, had her arm around him as she drank tea and urged him to drink some broth, for all the salt he had lost with his tears.

Later, she practically pushed him into bed and tucked him. It was almost weird now to think that she had once been his girlfriend. It felt very different know, like she was a sister. He couldn’t find sleep and he could still smell Fíli on the sheets. He spent the entire night waiting for Fíli to come back, even though he knew deep down that he wouldn’t.

Tauriel slept on the couch, and the next morning, she insisted that he call in sick. She had to go to work, but made him promise to go and see a doctor to get a doctor’s note - “just make puppy eyes and pretend you’ve got a stomach flu.” He protested that he needed to be distracted and she told him, sternly, that the company didn’t need his distracted work.

So he stayed home, watching TV all day and munching on everything he could get his hands on. There wasn’t much junk food in the flat: no crisps, and hardly any biscuits. But he also didn’t feel up to going out to buy food.

At lunch time, Thorin called and asked what was wrong, if he had called Dis to tell her he was sick, if he needed anything. He told him the truth, and then had to spend several minutes dissuading Thorin from calling Fíli. They were adults, he explained, which meant they had to sort these things out themselves without their uncle.

Tauriel called him after her shift was finished. His assurance that he was fine was not convincing enough; she came with pizza and they watched silly films. Then she helped him change the sheets. 

That night he actually found some sleep.

* * *

When Fíli got up the morning after he arrived at Faramir’s flat, all his flatmates apart from Faramir had already left. Faramir helped him find breakfast in the huge kitchen that the men had somehow managed to clutter anyway. Once the toast was sorted, they sat down at the kitchen table together, a big square thing. Faramir carefully avoided the topic of Kíli, chatting in general terms about the university and Faramir’s application as a PhD student. Fíli was grateful for that. But when he thanked Faramir for having been able to stay the night, and that he would get out of his hair now, Faramir actually looked stunned.

“You’re leaving?”

“Well … I don’t expect you to sleep two nights on the couch.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Faramir shrugged. “I’ll give Aragorn a call, he is going to move out next week anyway, he’s found a flat to share with his fiancée, I’ll ask him if he can just stay there tonight, and I’ll crash in his room.”

“Really, you don’t have to …”

Faramir smiled. “Maybe. But that’s what friends are for, right? We all know break-ups suck. I understand if you’d rather be alone, but you don’t need to waste your cash on a hotel if you don’t want to.”

Fíli didn’t want to. Being alone wouldn’t help anyway.

*

The second morning he got up earlier than the previous day. He was just on his way to the bathroom when he heard Faramir say, “So why not offer the room to Fíli? It’s not like we’ve found anybody suitable.”

“He’s nearly 10 years older than me!” Merry protested.

“And me!” Pippin chimed in. “And he’s a post-doc. We’re all students -- well apart from you, Far.”

“I doubt he’d even want the room,” Boromir added in his deep voice. “He’d only stay here temporarily and …”

“And have you looked at the rents in Dublin recently?” Faramir interjected. “You know it is hard for single people to afford their own flat in Dublin.”

“Doesn’t seem to be a problem for his ex?”

“His ex is fucking loaded.” Faramir all but growled. “But that is your problem, isn’t it? His ex is a man.”

“We’re not homophobes!” Merry protested.

“No!”

“Yes, you are.” Fíli had never heard Faramir’s voice so angry before.

He didn’t wait for the rest of the conversation, but slipped quietly back into Faramir’s room.

*

He made a bit of a louder appearance 10 minutes later, already dressed. He’d had a shower the night before. They were all still in the kitchen.

It was Boromir who spoke first, after Fíli had put two slices of bread in the toaster.

“So, em, Fíli … you know Aragorn is moving out … and you need a new place, so … would you like to take his room?”

Fíli blinked slowly. He hadn’t expected Faramir to prevail. Unsure of what to do, he glanced at Faramir. He wasn’t very comfortable knowing that at least Merry and Pippin weren’t comfortable with him, but he really needed a place to stay and, at the moment, he didn’t feel up to the challenge of looking anywhere else.

“Gladly.”

“Perfect.” Faramir beamed. “We’ll sort out the details tonight.”

* * *

With Tauriel’s help, Kíli began to redecorate the flat. It nearly broke his heart when they took down the All Blacks poster from the wall. And the little plush kiwi from the mantlepiece. He wondered why Fíli had left it … it had been a present from his mother. But Fíli had just wanted to quickly say goodbye before he left, not search the living room for his stuff where Kíli was sitting. He hadn’t even taken any of his food, because the kitchen could only be accessed through the living room. He put it in Fíli’s room. Fíli would come and get his stuff soon, and Kíli would be far away then. He did not feel up to seeing Fíli again.

Tauriel threw away all of Fíli’s soups and yogurts and salads that had gone bad. Then she insisted that they also move the couch and the table, to make everything look different.

“You need to move on!” she declared again, when they sat down for a cup of tea after all the work.

“I’m trying.” Kíli stirred his tea. Sweetened with artificial sweetener. He sighed. “Really, I try. But just coming up the stairs and knowing he isn’t here, and he won’t come back …” He couldn’t speak for a moment. “I push everyone away, don’t I? First you dumped me because I was whinging all the time, now Fíli left me because I’m whinging all the time … I’m too bleeding stupid to lose weight and …”

“Stop right there,” Tauriel grasped his wrist. “Look, do we need to talk about the time I broke up with you?” She looked at Kíli’s tear filled eyes. “Obviously we do.” She let go of Kíli’s hand again. “All right, yes I was fed up with your constant moaning about your weight and how you didn’t get how somebody as ‘gorgeous’ as me would stay with somebody so ‘fat.’ I never liked that attitude. I tried to talk with you about that, but you never wanted to, remember?”

Kíli flushed and nodded, not looking at her. She sighed. “Look, you _know_ the biggest reason I split up with you was that you became more like the family I never had than my lover. I still love you as much as ever, but like a brother. Kíli, you are a stunningly beautiful man, you always were and you still are. It hurt when you told me I couldn’t possibly want to be with someone fat.”

“Sorry.” Kíli tried to look at her. “I just really didn’t get. You could be a model or an actress or … anything, and have anyone. Legolas is so much more beautiful than me.”

“No, he isn’t. But that is neither here nor there. Look around yourself! The world’s full with happy couples that don’t fit into the socially accepted beauty norms. Looks don’t matter that much.”

“Except when they do,” Kíli mumbled. “Fíli fancies fat men and I … I accused him of not helping me with my diet because he didn’t want me to get skinny.”

“And what did he say?”

“Same as you …” Kíli still looked down at his hands. “That he wasn’t with me because of the way I look.”

“See? He’s still an idiot though.”

“He isn’t!”

“He just walked out on you!!” Tauriel nearly screamed. So far she had refrained from commenting much, but her eyes were shining with anger now. “What the hell was he thinking? You just don’t do that! First he’s an unsupportive arse and then he just walks away? You didn’t deserve that. You deserve somebody who’s there for you! In bad times as well as good times! He just wanted a ...a …” She stopped looking for words. “.... a cheerful little boyfriend, not a whole person! You’re so much more than that!”

Kíli sighed and drank his tea. “I think you’re too harsh.”

“No, you’re not angry enough.”

* * *

When they discussed the arrangements, the suggestion had not been, as Fíli had expected, that he’d take Aragorn’s room. Instead, Faramir suggested his own room. It was the biggest room and the occupant of it paid the largest share of the rent. As Faramir was currently looking for a job as a PhD student, he’d be glad to reduce his rent by taking the small room that Aragorn had lived in. It made Fíli feel a bit better, knowing that he was actually helping Faramir out by moving in.

It had taken them all weekend to move Fili’s stuff. Kíli hadn’t been there when he had come to fetch his things, just Dis and Bofur. Dis clearly tried to act as if everything was alright, but Fíli sensed that she was unhappy with him. He had hurt her baby, after all. He could barely pay attention to her, though. The first thing he had noticed was that Kíli had already redecorated. Everything that Fíli had owned was in his room, even his things from the living room and kitchen. 

He had hoped to see Kíli again. To have a chance to talk, now that things had cooled off. Sending a message or calling hadn’t felt right to him, that seemed so distant. But … maybe he had been a bit hasty, earlier. The truth was, he missed Kili, even more than he had expected. He had started to wonder if maybe they _could_ talk things out, if maybe Kíli would forgive him … but Kíli had moved on. Had just removed Fíli from his life.

He broke the one mug he had owned by dropping the box with it on the staircase. It felt even more final now. Fíli had made the decision, but Kíli was the one who found it easy to live with, apparently.

* * *

Soon enough, though, Fíli began to adjust to his new life, adapting to the rhythm of his flatmates. He didn’t have much choice, really, but luckily it turned out that they were fun to be around, especially Merry and Pippin (even though Fíli noticed that they carefully avoided alluding to anything that might possibly connect to Fíli’s sexuality. At some point this would become an issue, but right now it worked). So, now Fíli watched TV with his flatmates instead of Kíli, and when the others didn’t want to watch a particular game, he went to the pub with Boromir, who was just as interested in it as Kíli. Sometimes Faramir joined them too.

*

Surprisingly, Aragorn was still a presence, despite having moved out. He majored in forestry and one evening, Fíli came home and found Faramir and Aragorn in the kitchen, discussing Aragorn’s paper structure. Of course, this was something that Fili could help with, and soon Aragorn was emailing him every few days for advice. Fíli enjoyed helping students and Faramir told him again, how much he had appreciated Fíli’s help. He was starting to think that maybe he should think about getting a degree in teaching and become a biology teacher once he got tired of academia. 

*

One Sunday, when the weather was nice, he went hiking with Merry and Boromir near Howth Head. Merry kept reminding them that the peninsula had been immortalised by James Joyce in Ulysses. Fíli couldn’t care less, he was more interested in bird watching and in being out in the sun, having a good time with friends.

He found he missed Sunday Dinner with the family, but he knew that Dis was angry with him for hurting Kíli. And it would feel very odd anyway to see Kíli there. Maybe one day he would be friends with Kíli. But not while he was still looking at pictures of Kíli nearly every evening, alone in his bed, and crying.

* * *

Kíli’s diet came pretty much to a standstill after Fíli walked out. He turned to his old comfort foods: there was nothing like pizza or ice cream to soothe his broken heart. He also went out again. Tauriel urged him to call Gimli, who was all too eager to share a few pints or challenge him to a doner eating contest. Gimli was not complicated. Kíli told him he was sorry to have been such an eejit, and Gimli said “Yes, you are, when do you want to meet?” And that was that.

*

He also went out with his old mates from the GAA. Two others, who had ended their careers, had become fat like him. It was a relief not to be the only one. For nearly every match he wanted to see, he found somebody to go with him. One weekend, they drove all the way to Limerick.

But he didn’t gain any weight back. As it turned out, Gimli had decided to join the same gym, so they often went together. When his knee troubled him, he listened to Gimli and went to see his doctor, who sent him to physiotherapy. He had submitted himself to that after his accident without much motivation. This time, however, he was more mature about it, and that helped. 

His therapist recommended swimming, so Tauriel decided that she would go with him once a week. All was well, until one day, when they were relaxing next to the pool, Tauriel suddenly said, “Legolas barely talks to me these days.”

“What? Why? Is it …” He suddenly realised how much time she had spent with him in the last few weeks. “I'm hogging all your time, aren’t I?”

Tauriel scowled. “I’m spending my time however I want it. If Legolas can’t understand that I want to be there for my best friend, then he can get lost.”

“Fair enough,” Kíli said. “Still, he's your boyfriend and maybe … you know … you should try to fix this?”

He couldn’t bear the thought of Tauriel’s relationship dying a slow death like his had, with them not talking to each other until somebody walked out. Tauriel seemed to sense the way his mind was going and squeezed his shoulder.

“You might be right. I’ll talk to him.”

“Maybe he can come swimming with us? He’s quite athletic, isn’t he?”

“Not that much these days.” Tauriel wrinkled her nose. “His father pushed him to train so much when he was younger, that now he’s in a late rebel phase.”

But a week later, Legolas came along with Tauriel. And Kíli made sure to give them time alone, to fool around. Or that’s what they called it, when they used the diving platform and performed jumps that had half of the swimmers gathering around to watch.

Maybe that was one thing that had gone wrong between Fíli and him … they had rarely done anything fun together, apart from their holiday in France. They both loved to laze around at home and cuddle in front of the TV and of course after Kíli started his diet, he hadn’t wanted to go out at all.

*

Eventually, Kíli got used to coming home to an empty flat. It didn’t mean that he didn’t still miss Fíli, though. They had had such great times. Fíli hugging him when he came home, watching Fíli cook, cuddling with Fíli while watching TV, snuggling in bed … He missed him so much. Kíli hugged his own knees on the couch, staring at the TV. Fíli was gone and he wouldn’t come back. That was just the way it was and he needed to get on with his life. Tauriel was right. He could not mope forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, as you probably guessed, was a transition chapter, not the ending. Bear with them a bit longer :) And let me know what you think!
> 
> (Also, I know it is very unrealistic to have a 6 room flat .... but once I made the decision to have Faramir live with Boromir, I couldn't split Boromir from Merry and Pippin, because he loves the hobbits so much, and of course they needed an extra room for Fíli. Also, because I am an idiot, Faramir is the older of the brothers ... that mistake already happened in "Between Cousins." I don't know how that happened, but in this story, Faramir is older, not that it matters much.)


	6. Celebrations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ireland is ready to party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed and edited by @Khafushun as usual. He is the best beta reader anyone could hope for with great edits and suggestions :)
> 
> And talking about suggestions: I HATE the title of this story, I never refer to it, if you have a suggestion for a better title, please let me know!

Before Fili knew it, it was May -- which meant that it had been nearly two months since he and Kili had split up. No, since he had _walked out_ on Kili, he mentally corrected himself. It was still eating at him, the way he had ended their relationship. Even if it had been for the best (or so Fili tried to convince himself), he could still see the way that Kili had looked at him the night he left, the tears streaming down his face, his shocked expression. Breakups were never easy, but the way he’d gone about it… Kili had deserved better. Every so often Fili thought he ought to reach out and apologise, but somehow he could never bring himself to follow through, the memory of those anguished brown eyes holding him back.

Of course, Fili didn’t have much time to ponder his failed relationship during the day -- work was _chaos_ , with a series of unfortunate events occurring (naturally) all at the same time. Professor Brown was easily the most distracted person he’d ever worked for. Just how disorganized he was, nobody had realised until his secretary had had an accident and couldn’t come to work for a week.

For instance: two hours before a grant application was supposed to be handed in, Fíli found out, quite accidentally, that Professor Brown had not even started to write it. They desperately needed this grant to finish one of their biggest soil surveyance projects. Not handing it in was _not_ an option -- which resulted in the two most intense hours of Fíli’s life as he scrambled to complete everything in time. Then, there was the time that he and another postdoc had to run through the entire university looking for Professor Brown when he had failed to appear for a student’s oral exam. And as if that wasn’t enough, _then_ one of Fíli’s colleagues left to take a new position in Toronto. That in itself wasn’t so bad, but it turned out that nobody had organised another supervisor to take over for the Master’s student she had supervised. Naturally (since it wasn’t like he needed _more_ to do), Fíli was the one who ended up taking over, despite being unfamiliar with the student’s topic. Her thesis was concerned with seedbed preparation and weed control for the growing of maize in Ireland -- a truly fascinating topic, Fíli was sure, since he now found himself doing a lot of reading about it in order to be of any help.

*

And it was not only Professor Brown’s lack of organisational skills that had thrown Fili’s life into chaos. His own research was facing challenges too. His primary source of frustration was a wheat field near Kildare, where Fíli had planned to run several analyses with different kinds of fertiliser and two different, new varieties of wheat. Fíli and his assistants had carefully put little flags down to mark the center of their plots. However, every time they returned, their little flags were in a neat pile at the bottom of the field. It always took them nearly the entire morning to find out where the plots were according to their plan. By early May, Fíli finally found the time to talk to the farmer who owned the field, a young man who had just recently taken over the farm from his father.

“Foxes,” the young farmer muttered once Fíli mentioned the flags. “I reckon it’s foxes.”

“Foxes don’t …” Fíli started but clamped his mouth shut. “Fine. Foxes. I’ll discuss it with the department.”

But it wasn’t foxes, of course. It was the farmer’s father, Fíli was sure of it - the old man had come down to the field the first day they were there and started ranting about clueless academics and their poncy experiments. He had rounded those comments off by treating them to a choice of obscure Irish insults, incomprehensible to a Kiwi.

The trouble was, the farmer actually got money from the department. He was nice enough, but obviously unable to keep his father in check. Fíli had taken pictures every week of the little pile of flags and hoped that the department could convince the farmer to give the money back without there being legal trouble. After the soil sample disaster earlier in the year, he really wanted to avoid another year with less data than anticipated.

*

Needless to say, Fíli felt extremely irritable. He wasn’t over Kíli yet, he didn’t need this nonsense at work on top of that. But, like it or not, it had happened. As a result, he was starting to lose more weight than he was comfortable with. When he was upset he was never able to eat much; he tended to forget and he never really felt hungry anyway. It was just two months since he had walked out on Kíli. But he suspected, in hindsight, that he had started losing weight as soon as he had come home from New Zealand. He just hadn’t really paid attention until one morning his favourite pair of jeans slid off his hips. Then he noticed that his hip bones were sticking out.

Thinking back over the last weeks, he realised that he had rarely had lunch. Or breakfast. That was something that really needed to change. That also explained his increasing lack of productivity at work. He didn’t get enough calories or nutrients. He put on another pair of trousers and put “belt” on his mental shopping list.

 

***

 

In the weeks leading up to the referendum for marriage equality, Kíli didn’t have much time to mope over Fíli. He was busy at work and helping the campaign for the yes vote. Dublin was plastered with signs saying “vote yes”, and Kíli was among those making sure the number was growing. The Erebor Inc. building had big signs on every side too, something Kíli was quite proud of. But he was mainly involved in talking to people about the issue, whether on the street or making house calls. Charming people had always been his forte.

At nights, Kíli felt exhausted. His passion for the referendum had faltered recently, and he felt horribly guilty for it. He had started supporting the campaign before Fíli had even come to Ireland, and then it had become more personal for him; he had hoped that someday, he and Fíli would be married. But after Fíli was gone … he still couldn’t think of anybody else in his life. But he shouldn’t have let that change anything. If nothing else, he wanted Thorin to be able to have a legally recognised marriage in Ireland. Not to mention that Kili simply felt it was the right thing to do.

Luckily, it all looked promising - all political parties endorsed the yes campaign and polls indicated that they would win. IF people actually turned out and actually cast their vote, anyway. With that thought in mind, he called Bard, who promised to vote even though it was a long way for him. He also asked Bard to talk to his extended family, and Bard promised he would do that as well. 

Meanwhile, the relationship between Thorin and Bilbo had become an open secret at Erebor Inc headquarters; while they had never publicly acknowledged it, and Thorin as well as Bilbo considered themselves too old for public displays of affection, there were enough signs to clue everyone in. They often arrived at work together, they always had lunch together, and Thorin smiled so openly and lovingly at Bilbo, that Kíli sometimes thought that just snogging Bilbo in public would have been more discreet. So far, most of the negative comments that Kili had overheard had nothing to do with Thorin’s sexuality, but some of his coworkers _did_ seem to think that it was inappropriate for Thorin to sleep with an employee. But those who had worked in Erebor for a long time reminded those newcomers that long before Thorin and Bilbo had apparently decided to shack up together, Bilbo Baggins, the brilliant lawyer, had saved the company. The position he had in the company was due to his own achievements.

In any case, Kíli had no qualms about making Thorin’s intention to marry Bilbo semi-public knowledge, and instead took the opportunity to urge everybody to vote yes.

*

Even after two months, Kíli’s weight remained unchanged; he tried to eat healthier but he was aware that he was still eating too much. After Fíli was gone he felt like indulging himself every time he felt lonely.

He still spent a lot of time with Tauriel, and occasionally Legolas. He went hiking with them one day in the mountains behind Dublin. The two of them climbed around like goats, while he lumbered along, out of breath far sooner than he’d have liked. Later, when they sat down in a pub to have dinner, he refused to order anything beyond a salad. Tauriel rolled her eyes, when he muttered something about being too fat anyway.

“Just stop moaning. Losing weight won’t turn you into an athlete again!”

She had apologized a minute later, but Kíli ordered a baked potato with ratatouille, feeling silly about just picking at a salad, and made an effort to talk with Legolas about archery, something they both had done when they were younger.

What he really missed was his fitness and his career in the GAA. His career at Erebor Inc. had basically been decided for him when he was four, when Thorin had taken his mother and him in. Back then, Thorin had decided that if the company survived, Kíli was going to inherit it.

But playing football - that had all rested on his own merits. He would never get to that level of fitness again, no matter how much weight he lost. Even if his knee was still fine, he didn’t have the time these days. Still, he resolved that in the coming year he would take this same trail again, and once he did, it would effortless.

 

***

 

Fíli had never been outgoing enough for political campaigning, and although he did indeed hold an Irish passport because of his father, he didn’t feel like an Irish citizen. Not that that would stop him from voting. Naturally. Kíli had made sure he was properly registered, after all.

He felt that he should somehow motivate his flatmates to vote. And vote yes. But so far, he still felt he was on thin ice. He was confident that Faramir would vote; Faramir was a very conscientious young man, and although they had never actually talked about it, Faramir obviously supported him.

He was not so sure about Boromir, Merry, and Pippin, though. They had all arranged themselves with a (celibate) gay flatmate, but would they be in favour of marriage equality?

He compromised first by sending an email out to his colleagues at work, and then by supporting the activism on campus by donating some money. And it turned out, he needn’t have worried about his flatmates. They soon all posted their support on Facebook; Merry and Pippin predictably by silly pictures of themselves in front of graffiti, Faramir by sharing articles, and Boromir by posting campaign videos and talking a lot about fighting for equal rights.That was enough for him.

*

On the Friday that the referendum vote was held, he was at university, trying to get some work done despite a severe lack of sleep. When the time came for the results to be announced, he still hadn’t done much. He went down to the lecture hall the LGBTQIA student association had booked to watch.

And one county after another returned “yes,” turning the Irish map green on the screen. He smiled to himself while the Irish students around him were cheering. He had moved to the right country after all. He had expected Dublin and other big towns to be strongly in support of the referendum, but he hadn’t allowed himself to be hopeful about the rest of Ireland, despite recent polls. To see that the referendum had a majority nearly everywhere on the island was overwhelming.

*

Once the results had been announced, he had meant to leave the young students to celebrate, but to his surprise, one of the undergrads, who knew him from a lecture he had given, ran up to him and hugged him. He had obviously already had a couple of pints, Fíli noted with some amusement. That same student then convinced him to ditch his reasonable plan to go and seek his bed and come out to join people in the street instead. Fíli found he was in a rare good mood, given the referendum result, and decided that some celebrating was indeed in order.

 

***

 

Kíli already felt drunk when Gimli pressed a can of beer into his hand. He had just called his mother, who told him that Thorin was crying in the living room, and how could he feel even the tiniest bit depressed about his own love life, when his uncle was so happy? When Thorin had grown up, homosexuality was illegal, but today he was recognized as a fully equal citizen. It was quite obviously a meaningful day for him. But then Dis had started to talk about Thorin’s wedding preparations, and Kíli had politely ended the call.

There were so many people out in the streets of central Dublin now and everybody was in a happy mood. He had started celebrating with people from the campaign, then Tauriel had called and he had met up with her, Legolas and Gimli. Soon after, they had run into a couple of his old mates from his football days; he hadn’t known they were gay, they hadn’t known he was bi. 

*

And suddenly, there was Fíli. He was standing with a couple of people Kíli had never seen before. He had lost weight. Kíli couldn’t help but stare a little at his narrow waist.

But he still looked good. So good. All blue eyes and lethal dimples and a mess of gorgeous hair. And when he saw Fíli laughing at something, Kíli’s heart began to flutter.

Before he could turn on his heels and run, Fíli looked up and spotted him. The smile fled from his lips.

They just stared at each other for a moment, both men frozen in place. Then Fíli nodded at the people he had been talking with and approached Kíli. He could feel Tauriel stiffen at his side.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” she hissed. Kíli had never heard her use the f-word before.

“Celebrating.” He had meant to sound nonchalant, but instead his voice was bordering on hysterical.

“Well, he better leave you alone!”

“Let me sort it out, all right?” he hissed back. Fíli had reached them and smiled a bit uncertainly.

“Hey.”

Tauriel glared at him and huffed. Gimli grumbled something that certainly wasn’t a polite greeting. A bit cowed, Fíli’s smile faltered. Kíli took a deep breath.

“Hi, Fíli.”

“Can we … maybe talk?” Fíli looked from Gimli to Tauriel and then back at Kíli.

“Sure.” Kíli ignored the indignant squeak from Tauriel. She might be his best friend, but he was not a child who required her protection at all times. “Let’s find somewhere private.”

*

Fíli felt his hands shaking as he followed Kíli. His knees were wobbly, but he felt he did a good job at covering that up.

Kíli looked good. Really good. He hadn’t lost any weight, but something in the way he carried himself had changed. He seemed to have regained some of his old confidence over the two months they had been apart, and Fili wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 

*

“So …” Kíli stopped down a narrow little lane, then looked at Fíli and bit his lip. “You wanted to talk?”

The bitterness in Kíli’s voice made Fíli wince. 

“I …” Fíli looked at the ground. There was an empty can of Coke right in front of him, and the music was just a faint backdrop now. “How are you?”

“Well enough.” Kíli attempted to chuckle. “Should be ecstatic today, really.”

“Yeah. Sorry if I spoilt it for you.”

“Likewise. I didn’t expect …”

“Yeah. Dublin is so big.”

“Right.”

They fell silent. Fíli dared to look up again and found that Kíli was looking at him. There was something so vulnerable in his large, dark eyes.

“Look … can we maybe … can we maybe meet somewhere and … talk about what happened? This is … it’s not quite the place, is it?”

“No. I mean … yes. Shit.” Kíli managed a more convincing laugh. “No, it’s not the place, and yes, that’d be grand.”

“Cool. Just text me, eh? Professor Brown’s not here and … I don’t have much scheduled for the next couple of weeks, I’ll have time whenever.”

“I will. Promise.”

“That’s good.” Fíli shuffled with his feet, still unsure. “We should get back, I reckon.”

 

***

 

Fíli had not expected to meet Kíli the very next day. He had been dragged to another party celebrating the referendum result and hadn’t noticed that he’d gotten a message from Kíli until he was on his way back home. Kíli had texted him: _*11 o’clock tomorrow morning ok?*_ It was already two o’clock in the morning, but Fíli immediately texted back _*sure!*_

Of course it had to be okay. Fíli was far too scared that Kíli would drop the idea of meeting with Fíli to risk postponing it.

Kíli had suggested a walk by the river, so a walk by the river it was.

*

Before he left, he looked into the mirror in the hallway. He looked like shit. He had hardly slept for a week, and this night had been sleepless. After going to bed at 3 am, not being able to sleep, he got up at 6, panicking over what he should say, what he should wear, and how early he should arrive. The blue shirt looked good on him, even though it was a bit too big, but he looked as if somebody had punched him in both his eyes. He had attempted to shave, which in the end hadn’t been a wise decision, resulting in cuts on both sides of his face. All in all, it really looked as if he’d been in a fight. And lost.

He told himself firmly, that the object was not to entice Kíli anyway. The object was to talk to Kíli and apologize for the way he had left. It didn’t matter what he looked like. He contemplated putting on sunglasses, but decided that it would just look silly on an overcast morning.

*

He was 20 minutes early at their meeting spot, near Kíli’s flat, and attempted to lean casually against the brick wall separating the street from the river. He put on his earphones, but barely registered the music. He watched the waters of the Liffey flow. A bicycle lay on the river bed, partially submerged. Fíli looked up again. Kíli would be arriving soon. Better not look too distracted, he didn’t want Kíli to think that he somehow didn’t take it seriously. But the lack of sleep made it hard to even lift his head enough to look around for him.

Finally Kíli came around the corner. It was still 10 minutes to eleven. Kíli looked like he’d gotten more sleep: he was walking briskly with his hands in his pockets, and though Fili was probably biased, he thought he looked great in his red flannel shirt, his hair tied up in a ponytail. Fíli watched him approach, saw how Kíli stopped briefly in surprise.

“Fíli,” he called as soon as he was within speaking distance.

“Hi.” Fíli tried to smile, but found it difficult to lift the corners of his mouth. Kíli cocked his head, looking at Fíli’s face.

“Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

Fíli had to yawn before he could reply. “Sorry, just haven’t gotten much sleep lately.”

“You should have told me you wanted to meet up later!” Kíli exclaimed. Fíli sighed internally. This was off to a great start.

“Sorry. I’ll be fine.” Then he gathered some resolve to overcome his natural reticence. “I wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway, so … really, it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay.” Kíli sounded doubtful. “Let’s just rush into the nearest shop when we pass it and get you loads of coffee?”

“Good plan.” This time Fíli managed to smile. Coffee. Coffee was good. Tasted nasty, but it would give him some energy.

Kíli started walking and Fíli followed him. They were silent until they found a coffee shop. Kíli insisted on being the one to go and get it.

It was not cold out, but Fíli still relished the warm feeling of the cardboard cup in his hands. That, and Kíli’s gesture.

“So …” Kíli started. “I guess we … we never really talked … about what happened I mean.”

“No.” Fíli chewed on his lips. “I … I meant to call or text, but … I just couldn’t. I felt so guilty …”

Now that he had started, the words came out easily. “I felt so guilty for the way I left. I’m so sorry, I was such a bastard to just pack my things and go, leaving you like that … I was a coward and I really - I can’t make any apologies for that.”

Kíli was silent for a few paces, sipping his own coffee. “I was taken off guard,” he confessed. “But in hindsight … I shouldn’t have been so surprised.” He sounded so collected. “I knew we were having difficulties and I was the one who had started the fight. You were right, splitting up was for the best.”

Kíli sounded so calm, which took Fíli off-guard. While he had started to regret his decision more and more with each passing day, Kíli had apparently decided that his life was better without him. That was too much for Fíli, and he soon found that he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks.

He desperately started to dig in his pockets with his free hand, looking for a tissue. When that failed, he used his forearm to rub away the tears.

“Fíli? Aw, shit … here …”

He held out a pack of tissues. Fíli grabbed it without looking. He put the cup of coffee on the wall separating them from the river so he could rip it open. Of course the coffee then promptly tumbled into the Liffey below. 

“Fuck!” Fíli exclaimed, loudly enough to draw attention. Embarrassed, he hid his face with the tissue. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled then. “I really didn’t have enough sleep, I didn’t plan to be so … so weepy.”

“It’s fine,” Fíli could hear the faint smile in Kíli’s voice, even though he still could not see his ex-boyfriend. “I brought the tissues for myself, I thought I’d be the one who …”

“You seem to be fine.” Fíli winced at the bitterness in his own voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean … you’re allowed to be fine.”

He didn’t notice he was swaying, until Kíli grabbed his shoulder to stabilize him.

“I’m …” Kíli swore under his breath. “Look, there’s no point to doing this now, you’re way too knackered and I didn’t get so much sleep either.”

Fíli peered at Kíli, looking at him properly for the first time. Kíli did in fact look tired, more so than he had first realised.

“I know this is weird,” Kíli sighed, “but if it’s all right with you, why don’t we go back to the flat? You can crash on the couch and we’ll talk once we’re both in better shape.”

Fíli wanted to protest - it would be even more emotional for him to be back in their shared place, but his fatigue overruled all those voices and he nodded. Silently, they walked back to the flat.

*

Perhaps it was due to his exhaustion, but in the end, being back in Kili’s flat didn’t seem so weird. Fíli kicked his shoes off and headed straight for the couch. His tired brain barely registered where he was, it all looked so different anyway. Kíli locked the door behind them and disappeared into his room. Which had once been practically their room. But right now the couch was welcoming, and Fíli used the remnants of his energy to pull the woollen blanket over himself. He drifted off to sleep almost immediately, putting their conversation on hold once again for at least another few hours.


	7. New ideas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli finally manage to talk and realise how much they still care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a HUGE thank you to Khafushun, whose skills at proofreading and editing are amazing. As always he had a ton of great suggestions for this chapter - this story would have become beyond boring without his help.

Kíli managed to doze a little. But his mind was spinning; the knowledge that Fíli was just across the hall kept him half-awake.

It had been a bad idea to meet Fíli so early. And a bad idea to take Fíli back home. He should have sent Fíli back to his new place but … he had been worried that maybe Fíli would have been insulted, and the chance to talk would have been gone. And he wanted to talk. He needed to know Fíli’s side.

*

Three hours later, his bladder was nearly bursting and his stomach demanded food. He’d had no breakfast and it was way past lunch time. He crept to the bathroom and then peered into the living room. Fíli was sprawled on the couch, laying on his belly, using his folded hands as pillow. He looked unbearably cute, and clearly needed the sleep.

But to get to the kitchen, he had to go through the living room. Kíli tiptoed through the room; Fíli didn’t even stir.

He made himself some tea and a couple of sandwiches as quietly as possible, but just when he put the dirty plate into the sink, he heard a faint “Kíli?” from the living room. Steeling himself, he went to the door and smiled resolutely at Fíli, who was now sitting on the couch with the woollen blanket still draped over him, his hair a complete mess.

“Sorry to wake you. I was hungry.”

“’s fine.” Fíli stretched a little.

“Do you want a sandwich? You look …” Kíli quickly bit his lip. He nearly said, _You look like you need the food._ Instead, he finished with, “… hungry.”

Fíli blinked and wrinkled his nose, as if he seriously had to consider whether he was hungry or not. 

“I guess I should eat,” he finally conceded. “Thank you. Do you need …”

“I’m fine!” No way was he going to let Fíli into the kitchen to help him, that would be too much like old times. He quickly prepared a couple of sandwiches, with much less butter than he had used for himself, and put some limp salad leaves in it.

*

When he came back to the living room, Fíli was just returning from the bathroom, his face wet from having splashed it with water. It was an improvement from before; at least he looked rested now. Kíli handed him the plate.

“Cheers. I didn’t mean to impose …” Fíli sat down carefully on the couch, while Kíli took the chair.

“No worries. I shouldn’t have suggested such an early time to meet.”

He watched Fíli take a careful bite from his sandwich. Fíli had lost so much weight. “So …” he started uncomfortably. “So … how have you been?”

Fíli put his half eaten sandwich down. “Okay, I guess … I’m living with Faramir and Boromir now, they’re great. What about you?”

“I’m fine,” Kíli shrugged. “Been thinking about advertising the spare room, but …” He shrugged again. “Maybe I’ll do it over the summer, you know, find a student? It’s the wrong time of year now.”

“Right.” Fíli fiddled with his fingers.

Kíli racked his brain to find something to say. He wanted to bring up how upset Fíli was at the river, but Fíli beat him too it.

“Sorry about earlier,” Fíli mumbled. “I really should have suggested that we meet a bit later.”

“Well … we’re here now.” Kíli frowned. “I just didn’t expect you to …” He was about to say “cry,” but then thought better of it. “... be very upset.”

“Sorry …” Fíli mumbled, looking down at his lap. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“That’s not it, just …You’re the one who left, you know?”

“I regretted leaving before I even got into the taxi.”

“Then why didn’t you come back.”

He kept his voice as even as possible. His hands curled around the edges of the chair until it almost hurt. He could not believe Fíli; if he regretted it, why didn’t he come back? He had known that Kíli hadn’t wanted him to leave. He must have known how much he hurt Kíli and yet he did nothing. But this was supposed to be an adult conversation about their breakup. He could scream later when he told Tauriel about it. Or let her do the screaming and cursing.

Fíli took a shaky breath.

“I … I’m not sure. I think … I really felt we couldn’t go on and … I don’t know. You didn’t deserve that.”

Had the air in the room always been this heavy?

“I didn’t deserve what?”

Fíli looked around, as if hoping for some sort of spirit to appear and whisper the answers. “The … the fighting? And … just this misery. All the time. And … me walking out, just to come back …” Fíli drummed his fingers on his thighs. “And I was right, I guess. You look better.”

Kíli bit his lip, feeling his throat constrict. He wanted to hug Fíli, who looked so miserable. And punch him for making assumptions. That should have been Kíli’s decision to make. Kíli was able to decide who “deserved” him. He wanted to scream at Fíli, but he didn’t. It wouldn’t help. 

“Took me a while,” he eventually said. “I was gutted.”

Fíli dragged his hand through his hair. “I am glad you got over it.”

Kíli bit his lip. He wasn’t. He wasn’t over it. But he couldn’t admit to that.

He noticed that Fíli crumbled the bread of his sandwich instead of eating it. “Eat your sandwich,” he urged.

Fíli looked down at the plate. “Oh, yes … sorry.” He picked up his sandwich again and took a bite. They were silent for a moment while Fíli chewed slowly. Kíli felt that he needed to say something.

“You’ve got new friends now,” he offered. “That’s good.”

A smile flickered over Fíli’s face.

“I guess. They can be fun. We went hiking a few weeks back.”

“Hm, I went hiking recently with Tauriel and Legolas.” Kíli fiddled with his shirt, really wishing he had brought more food out to distract himself with. “Neither one of us have been hiking for a year, have we?” 

“Not since we first went to Oakenshield.”

“Well, we did a bit of exploring in France.”

“That was in October.”

“Are you trying to say that we’re boring?”

Kíli’s attempt to lighten the mood didn’t work. Fíli just looked more miserable.

“No. Just maybe … maybe we were too … I don’t know. It was comfortable to just hang out and cuddle at home.” A faint blush stole into the blond’s cheeks. Kíli forced himself not to dwell on how adorable that looked.

“You wanted to go out more.”

“Yes.” Fíli looked sideways.

“And I didn’t, because I thought I’d eat to much.” Kíli felt a twinge of guilt.

“Because I suggested going out to dinner or for drinks. Not hiking.”

“We both should have done things differently, I reckon.”

Grand. Kíli chided himself internally. They were getting nowhere like this.

*

Fíli felt exhausted. Being open about his feelings didn’t come naturally to him and confessing how bad he felt had drained him. Being this close to Kíli again, made him realise just how much he missed the other man. Just how much he regretted leaving. And how much he still loved him.

And it looked like there might just be a small chance that Kíli might still care enough for him to give him another chance. And he realised that he would never have a quiet second if he didn’t at least try. He needed to know if this could work, even after he had fucked it up.

He swallowed hard. After doing his best to calm himself down, he looked back up at Kíli.

“So … I know I was a bastard, and I probably don’t deserve it, but do you reckon we could try again? I mean, not picking up where we … _I_ left …” He lost his train of thought, cursing himself. “What I’m saying is, we could start again at the beginning. Not living together this time. To see where it goes?”

Kíli just stared at him. If he didn’t know Kíli so well, he would have been cowed by the fierce scowl. As it was, he knew Kíli was thinking. Which was worrisome enough. Then a small smile appeared.

“I think I’d like that.”

“Good.” Fíli smiled, genuinely for the first time that day. “What about grabbing lunch sometime next week?”

Lunch was safer; they both would need to get back to work, so there would be less awkwardness at the end.

“Sure!” Kíli’s smile grew a little. “I’m free Tuesday and Wednesday, I think.”

“Tuesday’s good. Just text me the time?”

“Will do.”

“Good,” Fíli repeated, pushing himself up from the couch. “I think I’d better be going now then … we both need some more sleep, eh?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you for the sandwich.”

“No worries.”

This was awkward again. Fíli quickly walked to the hallway, looking for his shoes.

“So, um, I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

Kíli leaned against the door frame of the living room. “You will.” And then a bit more softly: “Thank you.”

His shoes were right next to the door. Fíli sat down to pull them on, then frowned at Kíli.

“What for?”

The question seemed to make Kíli even more uncomfortable, and he scratched his neck. “Just … coming over to talk? I … I think I needed that.”

“Me too.”

Fíli did his best to smile. He finally managed to pull his shoes on and tried his best to get up fluidly. Instead he tumbled into the wall; he was still too tired to be graceful.

They both laughed about that, and it made Fíli feel a little better.

Fíli took a deep breath once he had left the building.

There were obviously still a lot of things to sort out. Kíli shouldn’t have thought that Fíli was doing him any favours.

Talking about feelings was not his strength. He had never believed in talking about things. As far as he was concerned, it was actions that counted, not words. He couldn’t apologise for how he’d made Kíli feel, words couldn’t do that. But he would take this opportunity to show Kíli how sorry he was. And that he could do better.

*

It was difficult to stop himself from texting Kíli first. He didn’t want to put pressure on Kíli … Kíli had hesitated before he had accepted the idea of seeing each other again. But he had agreed to see Fíli again. That had to mean there was another chance.

He stared at his phone for the better part of Saturday evening and Sunday. Finally, Kíli sent him a short message on Sunday evening suggesting a restaurant, and Fíli went to bed feeling much better. He had told Faramir and Boromir about meeting Kíli and they had wished him good luck, even though he never said that he hoped to get back together with him.

***

“You WHAT?” Tauriel stopped, hand in midair. She had just been handing some water to Legolas.

“I am meeting Fíli again on Tuesday,” Kíli reiterated. “We miss each other and …”

“And he just needs to cry a little and you take him back?” Tauriel was still aghast. Legolas reached over to take the water from her hand.

“Tauri, that’s really Kíli’s business.”

They were in the little flat Tauriel shared with Legolas; Kíli had just meant to swing by and give them the leftover cake his mother had insisted he take home after Sunday dinner. But then he had of course accepted their invitation to hang out a little bit. And of course Tauriel had asked him what Fíli had said on Saturday … he had ignored her calls for good reasons. She crossed her arms and glared at her boyfriend now.

“Of course it is, but I can tell him it’s a bad idea, can’t I? I just don’t want him to be hurt!”

“I’m still here.” Kíli reminded her. “I can take care of myself, Tauriel.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. He really is sorry … and it was hardly only his fault that it didn’t work out.”

“No, but you were doing so well, and …” She sighed. “You’re both right, it is your own business. I just hope you’ll be careful.”

Kíli put his hand around her shoulders. “Don’t worry. I’m not rushing into anything. But Fíli never hurt me on purpose, you should know that.”

“Should I?”

And to think that people called _him_ stubborn sometimes. Kíli shook his head. But she made him think. Was it wrong to give Fíli and him another chance?

Tauriel was right, he had just started to feel better about himself. Perhaps getting back together with Fíli would be counterproductive.

He was still mulling the question over on his way home.

He still loved Fíli. But love had never been the problem; there had always been plenty of love. And they had promised each other several times to improve. Themselves. Their relationship. But they never really did. Until, at the end, they barely talked and barely had sex.

There were good reasons why he hesitated before he accepted Fíli’s suggestion for a date. If there had been a clear reason why it hadn’t worked before and that had been removed … but there wasn’t. In the end, it had seemed that they just weren’t very compatible. They hadn’t been able to deal with each other’s moodiness.

On the other hand, Kíli was painfully attracted to Fíli. Romantically, sexually, emotionally … it wasn’t rational, but he just wanted to be with Fíli. He just wanted to believe it would work.

That’s why he had said yes. And that was why, in the evening, he looked up possible restaurants to meet at, and sent Fíli a message.

***

Tuesday arrived. Fíli made sure that this time, he really looked good. He had gone to bed early. Kíli liked his hair, so he had made an effort to brush it and put it in a ponytail. He wore a white shirt, a dark blue jacket, and his best pair of jeans. His colleagues had been confused by his appearance -- usually he showed up in the office in scruffy jeans and t-shirt with his hair in a messy sort of bun.

When he entered the restaurant, he pulled at the sleeves of his jacket. They always bunched up, making his arms look ridiculous.

Kíli was already at a table and waved at him. While he always had to dress formally for work, he had put in some extra effort today: his hair was in a neat bun and he wore a tight blue jacket over a white shirt. He looked ravishing. Fíli stopped himself from staring and walked over, smiling.

“Hey, am I late?”

“You’re not … but this is closer to my office.”

They had to get up to order their food. This was not a place Fíli would have associated with Kíli, one of these new “fast food that’s good for you” affairs, with different bowls and wraps to choose from.

When Kíli stood and led the way to the counter, Fíli took a moment to appreciate the tight pants Kíli was wearing. His bum was still so round and inviting, perfectly accented by the way the dark cloth clung to it. His mouth was so dry he practically croaked when he ordered his lunch.

While he picked some brown rice with green vegetables and a peanut sauce, Kíli went for couscous with chicken, peas, sprouts, carrots, and the closest thing the place had to ketchup.

“I thought you’d like this restaurant,” Kíli explained, once they had received their bowls and made their way back to their table.

“I do.” He noticed Kíli glancing at Fíli’s midriff. Kíli couldn’t do surreptitious. “Yes, I lost weight.”

“Sorry.” Kíli hastily sat down and dug into his food.

“No worries.” Fíli played with his fork. He was glad he managed to suppress the answer, that he was actually trying to regain weight. Weight was a bad subject. One they shouldn’t touch right now.

Then Kíli poked him in the forearm. “You know what I’ve been thinking?”

“No?”

“Let’s pretend this is like a real first date? We met at the celebration, and then we arranged to meet again, so I don’t know you, you don’t know me …”

Fíli chuckled. “All right then.”

“Grand.” Kíli took a sip from his water and then looked at Fíli with a fake innocent expression. “So what brought you to Ireland?”

“I heard the men here are cute.” Fíli winked, but then he talked a little bit about his job, and Kíli probed him to talk about what he missed about New Zealand. Lunchtime was over all too quickly.

When they walked out, Fíli noticed that Kíli hadn’t talked much about himself. He should have paid more attention to that.

“So …” He hedged, “Can I see you again?”

“Sure. Have you watched Age of Ultron yet?”

Fíli hadn’t. He wasn’t sure he wanted to, but he knew he wanted to go the cinema with Kíli.

*

They went on Saturday. The film didn’t really catch Kíli’s attention, but Fíli’s hand, hesitatingly brushing against his as soon as the lights were out, did. They held hands the entire time. Fíli’s hands were strong, his fingers thick and Kíli could tell that he had been doing fieldwork, as they were rougher than his own.

Afterwards they decided to get a drink. Kíli first wanted to steer Fíli to his favourite pub in the area, but then decided against it. Instead, they went to the same bar Kíli had taken Fíli to over a year ago. A nice little bar that mainly catered to gay people. Fíli smirked when he noticed, his dimples deepening.

Fíli actually had a beer, just like Kíli, but he was even barely sipping it. They stood silently, just watching other people for a while. The thin plot had already been discussed on the way to the bar. Then Fíli looked up at him.

“So … we talked a lot about me on Tuesday. What are you doing?”

Kíli scowled in his pint. “I work for my uncle.”

“I see.” Fíli seemed a bit cowed. “What kind of job is that?”

“Just sitting around in an office, trying to be useful.”

He hadn’t meant to sound so abrasive. He could see that Fíli was at a loss as to how to continue. Despite their little role-playing game, everything felt very raw. So he gingerly took Fíli’s hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m actually in charge of our contracts with British and French companies. It’s a position that I technically don’t have enough experience for, but so far I haven’t managed to fuck up too badly.”

Fíli squeezed his hand. “So do you speak French?”

“I understand enough to guess what people say when they don’t want me to know.” Kíli grinned. “But my pronunciation is actually so bad that I even failed at ordering a croissant last year.”

That had of course been during his holiday with Fíli. A happy time for them. Fíli laughed a little, looking radiant.

Kíli bent down and planted a light kiss on Fíli’s temple. His breath hitched when Fíli instinctively turned towards him, leaning against him like he had done before.

They didn’t talk anymore, just stood with their drinks, wrapped up in one another. Neither one of them dared to initiate a proper kiss, both of them content with some very modest snuggling and the occasional kiss on the cheek.

***

Fíli was thoughtful on his way home. They had made some progress, he felt, but there was still so much between them.

He had been vaguely aware that Kíli felt like working for Thorin was an embarrassment. But he had never realized just how uncomfortable Kíli was with his job.

They had had that conversation already, he suddenly remembered as he locked the door behind him in his new flat. Back when Kíli had been so jealous about Ori. Kíli had told him how much football had meant to him. And Fíli had promised that they would be more active together. A promise they hadn’t kept.

No, that _he_ hadn’t kept. It was just another way in which he had failed Kíli. There had been the golden opportunity to do something for Kíli, to show Kíli that he really cared about helping him get his self-confidence back, and instead he had let life bog them down.

So what made him think that he could do better than that now? It was far likelier that they were both headed for another crushing disappointment -- not unless something changed. But Fili wasn’t sure that he knew what that something was; the two months they had been apart hadn’t changed that. But for Kili, he was determined to at least try. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your thoughts :) (Also, I am still looking for a better title .... I can't seem to come up with one)


	8. Shattering walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Fili and Kili are frustrated and decide to do something about that.  
> (Please note that I changed the rating to explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I am much indebted to Khafushun who edited the chapter twice :) He is a superb editor!

The pattern established during their first week as a couple again continued throughout the rest of May and into June: Fíli and Kíli saw each other for lunch one day a week, and went out one evening a week - usually to a bar, or occasionally the cinema.

Their physical relationship was nearly platonic. Brushing fingers unobtrusively during lunch, bumping shoulders as they walked, a kiss on the cheek and an arm around each other’s waist or shoulder in a bar or at the cinema. It was hard for both of them, but they had agreed to take things slowly, and they were both stubborn and determined to keep to their promise.

In between their dates, they had established a texting routine. Kíli usually got up earlier than Fíli and sent him a good morning text every day. Fíli would answer around lunchtime, wishing Kíli a good break. And in the evening they texted each other to say goodnight, or to schedule another date.

Since their talk, Fíli hadn’t been back to their old shared flat, nor had Kíli visited Fíli in the flat he shared with Faramir, Boromir, Merry and Pippin. Somehow, that seemed to be too intimate. Too much too soon.

In turn, Kíli learned more about Frerin as a father, rather than Frerin the brother of his mother and Thorin. Frerin had moved to New Zealand when he had been 19, at a time when frequent communication was harder, so in his mind Frerin had always been much younger and more reckless than in Fíli’s recollections of his father.

But they avoided the topic of Fíli’s mother. And while Kíli had once mentioned that Dis had asked if Fíli would rejoin them on Sundays for family dinner, they both shot the idea down quickly. Too soon, they decided. Too domestic. Since then, they had barely talked about their shared family.

*

By the end of June, Fíli was ready to scream in frustration. They were getting nowhere. They were still tiptoeing around each other, careful not to upset each other, careful not to start a fight. It wasn’t just physical intimacy - although Fíli wanted Kíli so much it nearly hurt. No, it was also that they were no closer to actually re-establishing trust; in each other and in their relationship. While he was still happy to get a good morning text from Kíli every day, it was starting to feel more mechanical than romantic.

This was ridiculous. Hadn’t they agreed to talk more? To improve their relationship by being more honest about their feelings? Instead of tackling their old issues, they avoided them altogether. As nice as it was to play getting to know Kíli again, and learning a few new things about Kíli, Fíli actually felt like they were growing further apart. This whole pretence of having just met was beginning to feel more and more like reality. In the months that they had been apart, Fíli had felt closer to Kíli; he had thought he had known his ex-boyfriend. Now that they seemed to be boyfriends again (not that he was entirely sure that they were - and he was certainly not about to ask if he could call Kíli his boyfriend again), now he seemed to know him less than ever.

Fíli had never realised what a coward he was until now, when he found himself too timid to initiate that much needed conversation with Kíli. 

*

Pippin caught him in the kitchen one Friday when he was in a particularly bad mood - he was attacking the onions and carrots for his stir-fry with much more force than was necessary or healthy for either the cutting board, the knife, or the state of Fíli’s fingers.

“Um…”

Fíli stiffened and turned around, forcing a smile. “Hey. Sorry, am I in your way?”

“No, no, not at all.” As always, Pippin’s smile was bright, if a bit a confused. “So… bad date?”

“Excuse me?”

“Well…” Pippin shrugged, taking an energy drink out of the fridge. “You were on a date with Kíli yesterday, and you always look like a thundercloud the next day. Not always this bad though.”

“Pippin! Shut up, you eejit.” Merry had joined his best friend and cousin in the kitchen and stared at him, scandalised. “Sorry, Fíli, not sure this one’s sober yet.”

“Bollocks.” Pippin cheerfully downed half his energy drink. “I’m in top form. Fíli’s the one who’s in a grump.”

“Everything’s bloody fine.” Fíli turned back to his vegetables, but Pippin wasn’t finished yet.

“So, is Kíli coming over tomorrow then?”

Cooking was obviously not going to be possible with these two in the kitchen. Fíli sighed but didn’t turn around. 

“And why would he be coming over tomorrow?”

 _“Fíli!_ Have you forgotten that we’re hosting a _Star Wars_ marathon?” Merry was even more scandalised now. He had been excited about this silly marathon for weeks.

Fíli shrugged. “So what?”

“So what!” Merry repeated. “Well, Faramir’s invited Eowyn, hasn’t he? And Aragorn and Arwen are coming too -- meaning that this is a _date_ thing. So we just thought…”

“Oh.” Fíli hadn’t thought about that. Bit stupid of him, really. “Right.”

“Plus, we want to meet him!” Pippin exclaimed, his voice rising to a squeak as he gesticulated. “You did ask him, right?”

“Nope. I didn’t.”

The room was uncharacteristically silent after that, as Fíli began to fry his onions. Just as they began to sizzle, Merry cleared his throat.

“Fíli, if this is about our… our slightly prejudiced reactions before…”

“We were arseholes, and we’re sorry,” Pippin helped his cousin out, his voice bereft of its usual cheer.

Great. This was just what he needed while he was already frustrated: dealing with his (formerly?) homophobic flatmates’ contrition. Fíli took a deep breath.

“No. I just forgot. I’ll text him.”

He could tell they were not convinced, but they shuffled out of the kitchen, effectively bringing their conversation to a close.

Inviting Kíli for a movie night with the rest of his flatmates was actually a good idea, he decided. It would bring them one step closer to be together in a private setting again.

He took the pan off the stove and pulled out his phone. Texting or calling? He began to type out a text message, but realised that he was too nervous. He wouldn’t have the patience to wait for the reply. So he called instead.

Kíli answered almost immediately. “Fíli? Are you all right?”

That should have been the reaction to anticipate; he had broken their very set routine. Fíli sighed. “Yes! Sorry, didn't mean to worry you. Just…”

How hard could it be to ask?

“… my flatmates asked if you’d like to come over to our place tomorrow for a _Star Wars_ marathon. Interested?”

There was silence on the other end, and Fíli felt an uncharacteristic need to fill it.

“Faramir’s girlfriend is coming, and Aragorn, he lived with them before me - and, well, I mean, I don’t know, just, they asked and…”

“Did you ask me to come because they asked you to ask me, or do you actually want me to come?”

Kíli sounded as if he was actually unsure of his welcome. As if it hadn’t been Fíli pushing for a reconciliation!

“I want you to come. Of course I want you to come!”

Maybe he was being a bit too emphatic, he had practically shouted that into the phone.

“All right.” Fíli could hear that Kíli was beginning to smile. “I’d love to come over, then.”

*

Fíli had made sure they had extra crisps and peanuts, Kíli’s favourite snack. He had even hoarded some in his room, just in case. They would all order pizza together and Kíli had promised to bring beer, so at least he wouldn’t have to worry about that. And he knew Kíli enjoyed _Star Wars_ , so all in all, Kíli was sure to have a good evening.

Still, he felt uncharacteristically jittery.

And of course, Kíli was the last to show up. Eowyn, Aragorn, and Arwen were already in the living room and discussing which pizzas to order when the doorbell finally rang again.

Fíli darted to the front door and buzzed him in, waiting for Kíli to walk upstairs. As always, the sight of Kíli made him forget his slightly bad mood.

It was a warm evening, and Kíli was in shorts, showing off his hairy, muscular calves. His shirt was too big, but still, the outline of his belly was visible and… Fíli heard Kíli chuckle, and quickly looked up to the smiling face of his boyfriend. Good. He was smiling, not upset.

“Hey.”

Kíli gave him a one armed hug, putting all the beer in one powerful hand. “Hi. Sorry I’m late.”

“No worries.”

Conversation in the living room had stopped; everyone was obviously listening to what they were saying in the hallway. Kíli didn’t seem bothered though; he just laughed as Fíli took the beer so Kíli could kick off his sandals.

Then they entered the living room together, and Fíli took a deep breath.

“Everyone, this is Kíli.”

Kíli smiled, and it was easy to see that the full effect of his smile hadn’t failed to work its magic. After a round of introductions, they went back to the most important question, namely, what pizza Kíli wanted. Kíli teased Fíli about actually ordering pizza - and Merry and Pippin joined in, of course. Fíli grimaced. He should have known that Kíli would get on with those two devils. At his expense.

*

Kíli had been a bit apprehensive about going to see Fíli’s friends, but he couldn’t disappoint Fíli. And he had jumped on the chance to finally move on from what had begun to feel like a relationship in limbo.

So he had actually cancelled plans to go to the pub with some of his old teammates. He didn’t regret it as he sat on the cool wooden floor, with Fíli sitting between his legs and leaning against him. The aroma of pizza still filled the room. The enticing smell and the pressure of the familiar weight of Fíli’s body brought home how much he missed their lazy evenings together.

It was after midnight once they finished _Return of the Jedi,_ and everyone was exhausted. Fíli had fallen asleep in Kíli’s arms several times, only to wake up again during the fight scenes. Kíli had had to save him from having his face painted by Merry and Pippin at least once.

Arwen and Aragorn bid everyone goodbye, as they were taking a taxi home. Eowyn excused herself and slipped into Faramir’s room. Kíli realised that everyone just assumed that he was going to sleep over as well. And he really wanted to stay over, just to hold Fíli all night and feel like they were actually getting somewhere again. But he didn’t know how to ask, and he couldn’t anyway, not in front of Fíli’s friends.

He was still sitting on the floor of the living room and wondering what to do when Fíli told him to come to the kitchen with him to get some water. That was odd. 

As soon as they were inside, Fíli turned to look up at Kíli.

“You can stay if you want,” Fíli said in a low voice. “The bed is big enough, or I’ll take the floor. If you want.”

“Bed.” Kíli hoped that his relief wasn’t too obvious, but Fíli’s dimples told him otherwise.

*

Kíli felt self-conscious for about a second, before he pulled his shirt over his head. It wasn’t as if Fíli hadn’t seen him naked plenty of times before, after all, and he needed a semi-clean shirt to wear in the morning. 

Fíli was still wearing a t-shirt, which Kíli was grateful for: too much skin on skin contact wouldn’t do them any good right now. They still seemed to have a silent agreement that nothing physical should happen until they felt more sure of their relationship.

As soon as he was on the bed, he opened his arms for Fíli, and after only the slightest hesitation, Fíli moved closer and held on tightly to Kíli’s shoulder, his face pressed hard against Kíli’s chest.

Kíli folded his arms around Fíli and had to suppress a yelp when Fíli’s fingers clawed into his skin. Fíli wasn’t great with words, not when it came to his feelings; Kíli knew that by now. But the way he clung to Kíli was a good indication that he was feeling just as frustrated as Kíli was about their current stalemate. He pressed innocent kisses in Fíli’s hair, and ignored the way Fíli’s hipbone dug uncomfortably into his thigh, until Fíli fell asleep; then his grip relaxed. He gently moved his boyfriend to a more comfortable position for the both of them, before he succumbed to sleep himself.

*

Fíli felt more relaxed than he had in a long time when he woke up on Sunday morning. During the night, he had rolled over and was now spooned against Kíli, whose chin was scraping against Fíli’s temple.

“You awake?” Fíli whispered. The low chuckle in response vibrated through his body.

“Nearly,” Kíli whispered back and slung a heavy arm over Fíli’s waist. “Want to have a bit of a lie-in, or do you have somewhere you need to be today?”

“Mm. Sleeping in sounds good.” Fíli pressed back a little and laced his fingers with Kíli’s. Sunday cuddles had always been his favourites.

This was how it always should be. Just him and Kíli, cocooned in their own little world. Inhaling Kíli’s scent, feeling his body heat, feeling Kíli’s arm around him, listening to Kíli breathing. Kíli filling his entire world.

That worked until Merry and Pippin had gotten up and were making a racket in the kitchen, attempting to work the new coffee machine. Fíli sighed and turned around, looking up to Kíli. “Breakfast?”

“Hm.” Kíli’s eyes were still closed but his lips found Fíli’s nose for a gentle kiss. “What about going out for brunch? I heard they serve great food at the Red Dragon, it’s fairly close?”

“How are you going to eat brunch AND your mother’s dinner?” He bit his lip as soon as he said it, but Kíli didn’t appear to notice.

“I‘m not going to my mother’s today.” Kíli nuzzled Fíli’s hair. “Thorin and Bilbo are in England for the weekend, and Bifur’s doing poorly, so I told her not to bother with a big dinner at their house. Better take care of Bofur and Bifur.”

“What’s wrong with Bifur?”

Fíli had always liked the old man, even though he couldn’t understand a word he was saying; despite Thorin’s best efforts to motivate his Kiwi nephew, he had just never had the time to learn Irish. And Bifur spoke only Irish after a stroke some years ago.

Kíli sighed and sat up on the bed, his hand still on Fíli. “He’s in the middle of a major depressive episode. Bofur says he gets them occasionally. That’s why I was late yesterday, I was in charge of keeping an eye on him to give Bofur a break -- Mam had taken him for afternoon tea. Anyway, today they’re going to take Bifur to the sea, he’s always loved that. So - brunch?”

Fíli was just about to ask if it was a good idea to spend so much time together, but managed to clamp his mouth shut. It needed to work.

They found that Fíli’s flatmates were very enthusiastic about the idea of a brunch, and they ended up going as a big group; they were lucky to find a table at the Red Dragon.

After the brunch, Kíli went home. But in the evening, he called Fíli, actually called, and asked if he’d be able take a Friday off, and ideally a Monday as well, so they could go to Oakenshield together at some point in July or August.

Fíli hadn’t been able to answer for a long moment, until Kíli became nervous and tried to retract. Of course Fíli wanted to go with him. This was the sign he had waited and hoped for; Kíli wanted them to move on from very casual dating and towards something more intimate again. After only a bit more than a month.

***

Fíli had found time during the second week of July to take a Friday off as well as a Monday. They took Dis’ car and drove straight to Wexford, where lunch consisted of fresh fish in a little restaurant near the sea. After that, they drove along the coast towards Cork. They were in no hurry to get to Oakenshield, and Kíli was eager to show Fíli more of the Emerald Isle. 

The first frictions showed when they stopped in Cork to buy food; they were both reluctant to make any decisions, trying to be the one to accommodate the other’s food choice. Fíli finally suggested that he’d buy the ingredients for their main meals, while Kíli went looking for breakfast food and snacks.

It was late afternoon by the time they finally arrived at Oakenshield. The summer sun was still shining down on the house, making the wood look like it was glowing, and the air was full of the aroma of freshly mowed grass from the meadow next to the house.

They had let Bard know about their arrival, so Kíli wasn’t surprised to find a loaf of fresh soda bread and some homemade jam waiting for them in the mailbox again, just like the last time they had come to stay. There were also a couple of fresh eggs; Sigrid had apparently acquired some hens - the girl had just finished high school and was getting ready to run Arkenstone as a B&B full time. Kíli smiled as he continued to read the note that Bard had left for them: Sunday they were invited to breakfast - and Bard had added that Sigrid intended to test some new breakfast dishes on them. This was already shaping up to be a wonderful weekend.

Once they had put the food away in the kitchen, they stood in the hallway next to their bags, looking at each other. They had forgotten to talk about sleeping arrangements.

“Well, em…” Kíli began when Fíli remained silent. “Should we share the master bedroom, or would you prefer sleeping in separate rooms?”

Fíli shuffled his feet a bit. “Share the master.” He almost sounded shy when he added, “I’d feel a bit lonely with you in the next room.” His voice was low, almost as if he had to force that admission out. Kíli forced a cheerful smile.

“Master bedroom it is then.”

Once they had dropped their bags in the bedroom, he gathered Fíli in his arms and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth.

“Let’s relax, all right? We’re here to have a good time.”

Fíli rested his forehead on Kíli’s shoulder. “I just don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Oh, Fíli…”

Being the strong one and giving emotional support was not something that Kíli was used to in their relationship, since Fíli always seemed so much in control. It was then that Kíli remembered the incident during their holidays in France. The one time that Fíli had shown vulnerability in front of him before, when Kíli had asked him why he had such a strong reaction to the fatphobic comments against Kíli, and Fíli had confessed how harsh his mother could be about other people’s personal appearance. The only thing Kíli had really taken from that conversation at the time was that Fíli’s mother wouldn’t accept Kíli because he was fat. He had nearly forgotten that Fíli had his own difficulties, too.

It was just as he came to this realisation that Fíli yelped. Kíli had squeezed him too tightly. Now Fíli looked at him, worry creasing the skin around his eyes.

“Sorry,” Kíli mumbled, trying to draw Fíli closer, but Fíli freed himself.

“Do you want me to cook?”

“We could do it together?” Kíli suggested. The look that crossed Fíli’s face was not encouraging. “Never mind, we don’t have to…” Kíli trailed off. “I just thought - it might be fun?”

“Sure. That sounds great.”

Fíli smiled again, and Kíli was nearly distracted enough by the dimples to forget about his uneasiness. But not quite. He curled his hand around Fíli’s waist, softly stopping him from leaving the room.

“What’s bothering you?” He kept his voice as soothing as he could while panicking inside.

“Nothing. Let’s just cook, ok?”

This whole conversation and situation was far too reminiscent of the last months in their relationship. But he wouldn’t have any of that now.

“Fíli,” he growled. Then, in a normal tone: “Look, we’ve been through this before.”

“I know.” Fíli looked down, but pressed a bit closer. Kíli rubbed his back, a bit confused about what was going on now.

“You don’t want us to cook together?”

“It’s not that.” Fíli took a small step backwards, still safely ensconced in Kíli’s arms, so he could look up into Kíli’s face. His blue eyes were serious. He bit his lip. “I’m just afraid of another fight.”

“You think we’ll fight while we’re cooking? Why?”

Fíli smirked. “Anything in relation to food seems to be a hair-trigger for us.”

Kíli looked at the ground, fully aware that he was the one responsible for that. “My bad. Sorry.” 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Fíli freed himself and heaved a sigh. “See? This is why I don’t like talking about stuff. Look, just let me cook dinner, and then…”

“And then what?” Kíli felt like a useless lump, just standing in the bedroom, looking at his boyfriend. He had hoped that coming here would help.

“We eat and have a nice evening.”

“Just like before?”

Silence fell. Fíli didn’t move.

“I.” Fíli looked around the room, as if something there would offer him its help. “I … We had some nice evenings here. Didn’t we? In January? In front of the fire?”

“That _was_ a fantastic evening.” Kíli bit his lip. “Look, I know it’s awkward, but… we’re just repeating what went wrong before.”

Fíli nodded, very slowly. “You’re right.” He stretched out his hand tentatively, and Kíli took it again. They played with each other’s fingers for a moment, then Fíli squeezed a bit more tightly. “Look. I’m just going to cook dinner now, and then we’ll talk about this after dinner. I promise. Sound good?”

“Very.” Kíli pressed a kiss on Fíli’s forehead.

As Fíli disappeared into the kitchen to prepare a stew to go with the soda bread Sigrid had left them, Kíli set himself to clean the rest of the house. That was the not so convenient part of owning a holiday home - nobody was there to clean before they arrived. 

Kíli located the sheets and made the bed - for him and Fíli. That warranted extra care and fluffing up the pillows extra nice. He opened the windows to let fresh air in, put their clothes in the cupboard, swept through the room with a broom, and went on to the living room. 

Thorin and Bilbo had been there last; and Bilbo, fussy little man that he was, had bought slipcovers for the chairs and the couch. Kíli wrestled with the things, while cursing people who thought the ugly furniture was worth the hassle. He had no idea how valuable it was, but who could actually like heavy wooden furniture?

Maybe it had been wrong to come to Oakenshield of all places. They both had jobs, they could have afforded to stay at a B&B anywhere in Ireland. Someplace fresh, someplace without memories. But no. Kíli had gone the boring route. When had he become so… set in his ways? So domestic? And when had airing the rooms and cleaning been the first thing on his mind when spending a weekend away from town with his boyfriend?

Kíli threw the stupid covers into a corner. He wanted Fíli, it was plain that Fíli wanted him; they were young, and they were alone, so what was stopping them from seizing the opportunity? A vague idea of needing to wait?! 

When had waiting for things to work out ever brought them luck? 

No, Kíli had had enough of that. He would shatter that stupid wall between them. Preferably right now.

He nearly ran to the kitchen. The stew was already bubbling in the pot, the aroma of the roasted onions and the generous amount of wine that Fíli had used permeating the house. And Fíli looked delicious, with his hair in a makeshift bun. Kíli felt his mouth go dry as he watched Fíli for a moment, and then threw caution to the wind, deciding to trust his instincts for the first time in what felt like far too long.

*

Fíli yelped when he was suddenly seized by two powerful arms. “Oy, I’m trying to cook here.” He swatted Kíli’s hip as well as he could with Kíli behind him.

“Fíli, it’s a stew.” Kíli pressed a kiss behind Fíli’s ear. “Let it stew.”

While Kíli was trailing kisses along Fíli’s neck and shoulder, Fíli slowly melted into his embrace, tilting his head to give him access.

“We’ll make this work, I promise.” Kíli mouthed the words against Fíli’s neck.

So this was what this was about; Fíli let the spices drop and grabbed Kíli’s hip.

“Me too.” Fíli’s voice was low.

His stomach warmed with anticipation, as Kíli slowly walked them backwards, until they were out of reach of the stove. Before Fíli could fully appreciate what was happening, he was flipped around and his back was pushed against the rough kitchen wall.

He barely heard Kíli’s soft question of, “You all right?” - all thoughts of going slowly vanished as Kíli’s soft body pressed against his, and a gasp escaped his lips. He let his hands slide down Kíli’s side, taking in the lovely curves above his hips, not pausing until he could grab Kíli’s bottom. Fíli’s hips bucked against Kíli as he squeezed, enjoying the ample softness he found there. He then tilted his head up and Kíli crushed their lips together, his tongue fiercely attacking Fíli’s mouth. His lips were soft and chapped, his mouth hot as he frantically tangled their tongues together. Kíli’s hands were digging almost painfully into Fíli’s hips as they grinded against each other, both quickly growing fully hard.

Kíli let his mouth trail frantic kisses over Fíli’s face, sucking on his jawline, rubbing his cheek against the stubble on Fíli’s face, moving down to lick Fíli’s neck and then attacking the spot just above his collarbone. His own beard scratched against the sensitive skin of Fíli’s shoulder, sending sparks throughout Fíli’s body.

“Missed you so much,” Kíli mouthed against Fíli’s shoulder; Fíli wasn’t sure Kíli was aware he had spoken out loud, but Fíli moved his hands up to the small of Kíli’s back to bring him even closer. Kíli was warm, and solid, and right now - he was all Fíli’s, and Fíli was all his, and nothing else mattered but the way his blood was boiling under Kili’s mouth, Kíli’s hands, Kíli’s body. He could feel the hard line of Kíli’s arousal against his belly.

Dizzying desire made Fíli grip Kíli even tighter and push against him, trying to demand that he move on, but all that escaped him was a breathy, _“Kíli.”_

Kíli moaned, still the most beautiful sound on earth, and bit into Fíli’s shoulder. “Still okay?”

The question barely filtered through the haze of sensations firing through Fíli. It didn’t make sense. Of course he was. He still managed to articulate a _“yes”_ before grinding harder against Kíli to show just how okay this was. 

 

“Good.”

Kíli took a tiny step backwards then, separating them. Fíli was about to complain, until he felt Kíli’s hand on his belt buckle, and he eagerly tilted his hips upwards, one hand moving to help his boyfriend. Once the belt was gone, Kíli pushed Fíli’s jeans and underpants down in one fluid motion, catching Fíli’s erection in his other hand.

Fíli gasped, even while he was busy with the buttons of Kíli’s shorts. Kíli’s erection sprang into Fíli’s hand once he freed it from the pants’ confines, hot and hard. Kíli moaned when Fíli started to pump slowly, bucking up in his grip, asking for more.

Fíli’s rhythm faltered when Kíli’s grip tightened. He was leaking already. Kíli was getting closer too, his arousal slick and wet, causing Fíli’s grip to slip.They lost all coordination, their attempts to keep up a rhythm futile as they brought each other off, both frantic. Fíli’s breath came in short pants, his forehead pressed against Kíli’s chest. Kíli was moaning, his face buried in Fíli’s hair.

Fíli was bucking up in Kíli’s hand, fingers clawing into Kíli’s biceps. Then his orgasm hit him, and his body stilled, his skin tingling all over and a foggy bliss clouding his brain.

He vaguely felt Kíli’s hot come spurting over his hand; his boyfriend had followed him over the edge. They held onto each other as they regained their breath.

“What… how did that happen?”

Fíli still felt dazed and pleasantly warm as Kíli kissed his forehead.

“I’m happy to be here with you. That’s all.”

Even that obvious lie couldn’t fully destroy Fíli’s sated mood. “Yeah, sure it is.”

*

Five minutes later they both looked decent again; Fíli returned to the kitchen, and Kíli followed. To get the plates. Of course. And to kiss Fíli.

The stew was not finished, but Fíli was busy stirring it. He did not turn around. Kíli was beginning to feel a bit awkward.

“I’m sorry?” he ventured. He didn’t like it that Fíli was so quiet and so focused on cooking of all things, just after they had had sex. For the first time in forever.

“Sorry for what?” Fíli turned around, frowning.

“Well… I mean… we didn’t want to rush, and…”

He trailed off. To his relief, Fíli smiled. “You were spontaneous. And passionate.”

“And?”

“I love that about you.” Fíli walked up to him now, cupping Kíli’s face and letting his fingers play with the bristles on Kíli’s jaw. “Ignore my brooding.”

“I just want to know why you’re brooding,” Kíli insisted.

“Just… I get too worried,” Fíli confessed, his hand still resting on Kíli’s cheek. “We always used cuddling and shagging to avoid our problems, didn’t we?”

“We did?”

“It feels like it in hindsight.” Fíli shrugged. “I love cuddling with you, and sex with you is mind blowing once you…”

He trailed off.

“Once I?”

Fíli was saved from answering by a sudden attack from the stew, as bits of it suddenly came flying from the boiling pot. He quickly turned his attention to the stove and turned the heat down.

Kíli watched him as he stirred, scraping the bottom to unstick the vegetables that were starting to burn.

“Maybe we both need to let go of trying to make things perfect.”

Fíli was still looking at his stew, as if he hadn’t just avoided Kíli’s question by saying something so important. They had both wanted to make everything right this time.

“I agree.” All he could do was stare at Fíli’s back, willing him to turn around again.

“I was afraid to fuck up by going too quickly,” Fíli confessed to the stew. “I still am. So… it’s good you weren’t, eh?”

“I am. A bit. But… I just felt we weren’t getting anywhere.”

He reached out to Fíli and breathed a sigh of relief when Fíli took his hand and squeezed it. Even though Fíli still looked worried.

*

During dinner Kíli noticed that he ate thrice as much as Fíli and was slightly bothered by it.

“Are you sure you finished?” he asked, just before taking the plate away. Fíli shrugged.

“Yeah. I never eat much when I’m tense.”

Kíli grimaced. He should have known that. He really should. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

After he had put the plates away in the kitchen and Fíli had put the stew in the fridge, Kíli decided that the only way to get somewhere was if they both relaxed first. So he suggested that they put a bunch of cushions and blankets down on the floor and watch one of the old VHS films on the ancient VHS player still in the living room.

“Didn’t we… sort of want to talk?”

“We already talked a lot and we also came here to have a good time.” Kíli held up a VHS. “What about _Beauty and the Beast?”_

“Abso-fucking-lutely not!” Fíli marched up to the VHS collection. “You must have something good in here?”

_“Cap and Capper?”_

The glare that earned him was not encouraging. After some bickering they settled for _Fantasia_. Just some music and cute animation.

It took a while for them to get the VHS player working, but in the end they were triumphant. They then put every cushion and blanket they could find onto the floor, feeling very much like naughty children and giggling.

Once they had accomplished that, they made themselves comfortable, laying next to each other, their sides barely touching but still close enough to feel each other’s body heat. Kíli had put some bowls with crisps and breadsticks onto the floor next to them, as well as some very juvenile juice boxes. 

Just as the unicorn, faun, and pegasus sequence started, Fíli turned towards Kíli, slinging his arm across Kíli’s body and hiding his face in Kíli’s chest.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad by eating so little. I just… I can’t when I’m stressed.”

“I know, love.” The old endearment slipped from his lips easily and he put his hand on Fíli’s back.

“Thank you.” Fíli lifted his head to look at Kíli. “I know I fucked up when you were dieting, I mean, we always argued about food, but I never meant to make you feel bad, I really didn’t! I’m so sorry you felt I wasn’t taking your dieting seriously enough and…”

Kíli forced a smile and put his free hand in Fíli’s hair, scratching his scalp. “I was becoming too obsessed with losing weight. I just started to feel worse about my weight, and I became so irritated, and touchy, and I knew you loved me for my confidence and cheerfulness and…”

“Stop it.” Fíli sounded angry now, brushing Kíli’s hand from his head. “Kíli, seriously. You’re talking crap. Do you really think I’m that much of an arsehole?”

“I didn’t say you were!”

“Fucking hell. You were miserable about your weight long before you started dieting! We both should have known that your insecurities weren’t going to just go away because we started shagging. And yeah, your cheerfulness is really attractive and all that, but nobody can expect you to be cheerful all the time, that’s just not human. It’s just that it also masked how miserable I am most of the time.”

“You’re not!” Kíli protested. “Just… quieter than me.”

“Yeah.” Fíli deflated. “Yeah. But for the record, I’m sorry about how I reacted to your insecurities. I didn’t take you seriously enough.”

“That’s what it felt like,” Kíli confessed. “And that’s what you meant earlier when you said I did something different when we had sex, right?”

“Yeah. It was just… when we first started you… you were so shy about your body? I mean… it was great, don’t get me wrong! But… when you really forget about hating your body, it’s just… different. Like today. You’ve got so much passion.”

He let his fingers trail Kíli’s side. “It’s intoxicating. You forget all about hating your body, and just focus on the pleasure.”

“I know. It’s just… sometimes I still struggle. Like, what do you find attractive about this.”

Kíli vaguely gestured at his body. He had done his best to feel more positive, and he did most of the time, but still he didn’t understand how Fíli could actually desire him.

“I…” Fíli looked flabbergasted for a moment, and then he smirked. “All right. That might take a while.”

He scooted down so he could tickle the sole of one of Kíli’s feet.

“First of all, I like your feet, they’ve got hair on them and it’s adorable. And you have straight toes! And I love your calves…” he gently massaged one of the calves in question. “So big and so powerful. And so full of hair. And your thighs too.”

His hand moved to stroke the inside of Kíli’s legs. “So much of it. Long and broad and hairy. And there is this…” his hand ghosted over Kíli’s crotch and he smirked. “Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.”

“Oh, come on,” Kíli protested.

“What? I’ve never seen a cock more beautiful than yours! Or an arse.” He let his hand slip behind Kíli, and he could see Fíli’s adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “I mean, just the shape of it… and it’s so large! There’s so much of it - to grab, and when I top, and I push in, and I feel how it just gives and…” His voice had become rougher, lost in memory, and he shook himself. “Moving on is better I think…”

But he faltered his hand just hovering over Kíli’s belly. “Or not, we could just have another go…”

Kíli could tell that Fíli was actually becoming aroused, but he also knew that Fíli was saying that because he knew how much Kíli had always hated his belly. It was tempting to take Fíli’s suggestion, to just pull Fíli closer and… but they needed to go on.

“It’s fine. I won’t chew your head off or anything.”

“All right.” Fíli crawled back up and pecked Kíli’s lips. “I love your big belly. Because it takes up so much space. You’ve got so much personality, and you always seem to fill out every room you’re in just by the force of your charisma. You’re so magnetic, everyone is drawn to you and I just love that it’s reflected in your form. You’re not somebody small at all. And… of course I like it because there’s the promise of so much of your body to play with.”

He just never had the opportunity because Kíli never let him. Kíli put his arm around Fíli’s waist and pulled him closer in silent apology.

“And I always liked to feel it when we had sex,” Fíli went on. “When you took me from behind, I loved it when you bent forward, so I could feel your weight, it just… it just added to the connection somehow? And when you were on top and it weighed down on my cock it was just so… so… good,” he finished with a small apologetic smile. “Sorry, I can’t really describe it. I just love big bellies? Especially yours. And your arms…” he went on with a determined look on his face, and it cost Kíli not to give into the urge to plaster his face with kisses right then and there. “Your arms are really strong and they are big too, and to feel them around me is wonderful. And of course they’re…”

“Hairy?” Kíli finished with a chuckle.

“Hairy,” Fíli confirmed. “Just like your chest. I love every last bit of you. But what I love most about your body is that it is just there. It means that you’re alive and that you’re here with me and I don’t care so much about its shape as I care about it ensuring that I’ve got you with me. You already lost weight, and I couldn’t care less.”

“I love you.” Kíli couldn’t find any better words, as he pulled Fíli even tighter, and felt Fíli draping himself over his body, one leg between Kíli’s. 

He could feel Fíli’s hip bones poking into his own soft belly. The blond had really lost a lot of weight. And while he realised that he preferred Fíli with slightly more padding, he also understood, fully for the first time, what Fíli meant with his last words. Even this skinny, underweight Fíli was way more attractive than anybody else. Because he was Fíli and he was here, pressed against Kíli, warm and solid. Breathing steadily against Kíli’s neck. 

“I love you so much,” he repeated.

Fíli kissed his neck. “I love you too.”

“This will work,” Kíli promised fiercely for the second time that day. “We will make it work.”

“I know.” Fíli rubbed Kíli’s back. “I won’t ever walk out on you again. I can’t promise to never fuck up again, but I promise I’ll find a way to make it right next time.”

“I’ll hold you to that promise. I’m sure I’ll fuck up again at some point, but you’ll just have to let me know, and I’ll stop.” Kíli chuckled, torn between desperation and elation.

They fell silent after that, the music of _Fantasia_ washing over them as they fell asleep in the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate comments :) let me know what you think! (I am uncomfortable with writing smut, so please let me know if it was akward, I am doing my best to improve)


	9. Discussing the dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli continue to use their long week-end to get closer and broach a very touch topic.  
> (I am sorry about the stupid chapter title)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't forget about them, I promise ;) These silly boys refused to talk to me for a while, but we are back on track now!  
> As always, @Khafushun betaed for me and this time he had to make sure they actually talk like men :D Thank you so much as always! I made some changes after he went through it, so any errors you can still spot (and please let me know about) are entirely my fault.

Saturday almost felt like old times. They shared soft kisses and cuddles on the floor of the living room before they managed to get up and get some food into them. Then they got ready to leave for Blarney castle. On the way to Dale the previous day, Kíli had pronounced it a sin that Fíli had been in Ireland for over a year and had never kissed the Blarney Stone.

Fíli wasn’t actually in the mood for any trips -- all the talking the day before had left him drained. But as always, Kíli’s enthusiasm was infectious, so he went along with it. It was impossible not to be excited when Kíli was beaming and practically bouncing around the kitchen when they were finished with breakfast. He was also still a little bit concerned that just spending the day around the house together might become awkward.

And he had to admit that the castle was spectacular, even if there had been rain drizzling down all day.

 

***

“Bed?” Kíli asked once they returned, both a bit wetter than they would have liked.

“Are you tired?”

Kíli looked at him quizzically.

“No. But since we need to get out of our clothes anyway…”

“Oh!”

“Only if you’re up for it of course…” Kíli looked almost shy now, ducking his head. “I was just…”

“No, no!” Fíli smiled. “Great idea!”

But why he suddenly felt self conscious about the idea, he couldn’t say. Of course he had hoped this would be the result of the weekend, and they already had done it the day before in the kitchen.

Getting out of wet clothes was not exactly erotic, and they both hurried to just get undressed before they slipped under the blankets.

Then they started to chuckle and Fíli reached for Kíli, pulling himself closer while holding onto Kíli’s hip. Their bodies lined up, and Fíli captured Kíli’s lips in a soft kiss.

It was a leisurely rediscovery of their bodies; they weren’t in any hurry to get off, and just enjoyed being close together. Kíli was more forward, just like the day before, and when he actually took Fíli’s hand and put it on his own belly, Fíli nearly melted. He took his time worshipping Kíli’s body, now that he had the invitation to do so, this time with his fingers and mouth instead of with words.

*

Sunday started with breakfast at Arkenstone with the Bowmans -- and as Bard had threatened, Sigrid used them to test new breakfast dishes. By the time they left it was 2pm and they were both extremely full. After they drove home, Kíli wanted to go for a walk, but Fíli had to tell him that after eating more in one morning than he often did in two days, he had to lay down first.

Kíli immediately started the kettle to make some tea, and then fussed about fluffing the bed for Fíli. Fíli had to laugh a little.

“I’m not ill, Kíli, I just ate too much and feel miserable now.”

“What’s the difference?” Kíli lifted Fíli’s hand and placed a kiss on his knuckles. “You’re not feeling well, so I’m going to take care of you. Although I may have to walk around the house a couple of times first -- I’m also feeling way too full.”

“Go ahead.” Fíli squeezed his hand. “I’ll be fine, really.”

Unfortunately, that was overly optimistic: Fíli’s stomach and intestines were violently opposed to sudden changes in his routine. By the time Kíli came back from his walk, cold sweat covered his body and it felt like his insides were burning.

It took Kíli a while to find the old buckwheat pillow - there was an old hot water bottle too, but the latex looked a bit brittle to him, and he wasn’t about to risk scalding Fíli if it broke.

Kíli spent the rest of the afternoon reading quietly in bed next to Fíli, and when Fíli felt a little bit better, he started reading a collection of Irish fairy tales to him (they really needed to update the content of the bookshelves in Oakenshield).

In the evening, Kíli made some broth for Fíli and had a sandwich himself; it was the first meal they shared without any self-consciousness, a fact that restored Fíli more than the broth did.

He was feeling well enough after dinner to argue about what to watch with Kíli; he hadn’t felt this close to his boyfriend since the previous October, so it was no sacrifice to give in and actually watch _Cap and Capper._

*

On Monday, Fíli finally decided that they needed to broach one of the most difficult subjects. He might hate talking about feelings, but if there was something he had learnt from all of this, it was that if he wanted to keep Kíli, then they had to talk a lot more than they had before.

Thorin and Bilbo would have a wedding ceremony in autumn; they would not be able to officially marry then, but they wanted the registration to be as private as possible anyway.

Fíli knew that his mother had only been informed that the wedding would take place, but she hadn’t received an invitation yet.

After the break up with Kíli, Fíli had screamed at her that it had been all her fault and that she should never even think of setting foot in Ireland before she learnt to behave. Their relationship was still not quite mended, even though he had apologized for his outburst and she had informed him tersely that she would never insult his boyfriend to his face. How he could make her see that while she had never said anything outright insulting to Ori, the poor man had always felt her disdain, was beyond Fíli.

 

So after they cleaned the breakfast dishes, when Kíli suggested a walk, he shook his head.

“But the weather’s gorgeous!” Kíli protested. “We couldn’t go for a walk yesterday, and tomorrow we’re holed up in Dublin again!”

“Yes, but…” Fíli took a deep breath. “There is something we still need to talk about. We can do it during a walk if you like, but just… just so you know.”

“What?”

“The fight before I split up with you...” His voice faltered when he saw Kíli wince. “I wanted my mum to come and you didn’t.”

“I remember,” Kíli said dully. “I… might have overreacted. She’s your mum and…”

“She can also be a bitch,” Fíli cut him off. “Kíli, love, I didn’t bring it up because I think you need to apologize; you really don’t. But it’s July now, the wedding celebration is in September, and we still haven’t come to a decision.”

“Well, I know my Mam told her when the wedding is, and she basically said she’s coming.”

“She doesn’t have an invitation yet.” Fíli shrugged. “And I actually told her I don’t want her to come. I wanted you to know that.”

Kíli frowned. “But why?”

“I don’t want her to come and ruin any chance I have with you.” Fíli resolutely ignored the lump in his throat. “It still all feels so fragile. I was an idiot in March; I really believed if she came, and if she got to know you, she’d like you and everything would be alright.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Right.” Fíli bit his lip. “I know you didn’t believe me, and it was a stupid thought. You were right: she’ll never change.”

“Well, thanks,” Kíli said, his lips quirking upwards ever so slightly. “But at the same time, I sort of disregarded the fact that you love her.”

“Of course I do. She’s my bloody mother, and most of the time, she’s fine. She loves me and she did her best when I was growing up. But I don’t want her to hurt you or to ruin the wedding.”

“You don’t get to see her much though…”

“Not as much as you see your mum who lives in the same bloody town, no.” Fíli sighed and squeezed Kíli’s arm tentatively. Standing in the kitchen was maybe not the best place for this talk. “I mean it. I can fly over to New Zealand again to see her, not before next year of course, so you don’t need to be bothered by her.”

Kíli shrugged. “When you were there I kept worrying that she’d make you believe I wasn’t good enough for you. The problem was my insecurity, more than anything.”

“You thought - what?” Fíli’s eyes widened. “You thought just visiting home would make me love you less somehow? Oh shit… I hadn’t realised it was that bad even then, that I had given you so little reason to trust me. I…”

He wanted to say more, but he could see that Kíli was seriously upset now, so he just pulled Kíli into a tight hug. Kíli pressed his face into Fíli’s shoulder. It took him some moments to compose himself.

“Let’s go for that walk.” Kíli suggested. “I think I need some fresh air after this.”

They put on their shoes in silence; at least it wasn’t raining and it was summer, so that was all the preparation that was needed.

 

They had walked for about two minutes when Kíli started talking again.

“I don’t know why I was so anxious when you were in New Zealand. I guess it was partly because we fought before you left. You know, after I was daft enough to twist my own knee around here and you told me not to come to Dublin to see you off, because the doctor had said I needed to rest the bloody thing. I was so upset that I was stuck here…”

“Yeah.” Fíli sighed. “I was genuinely only concerned about your health, I didn’t want you to be in pain because of me, by using your knee too much … just, I reckon I hurt your feelings more.”

“It was silly, I was too clingy.” Kíli shrugged. “I talked to Tauriel about that, and it was the only thing she didn’t blame you for.”

Fíli winced. He hadn’t seen Tauriel again since they had made up, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. Kíli took his hand and squeezed it.

“Anyway, she told me that I had overreacted, and that she had also figured out why. It was just that hurting my knee reminded of that stupid fucking accident that stopped my GAA career. Not that it was anything like it, I’m just a fucking eejit. And a brat. Throwing a tantrum because I couldn’t do what I wanted to, like my body had betrayed me.”

It was Fíli’s turn to squeeze Kíli’s hand.

“You weren’t as bad as that. And I feel as your boyfriend, I should have noticed.”

“We weren’t together back when I had the accident, though. And I was so upset, I wasn’t much in the mood to talk to anyone back then.”

“I remember that. But I knew you were unhappy.”

“But not how desperate.” Kíli shrugged again. “I always put on a brave face, and that was easier with people far away, like you. Tauriel and Mam are the only ones who really knew how much it fucked me up, knowing I could never play again. So… yeah, I overreacted when you didn’t want me to come to Dublin.”

“I still should have told you to come, if you wanted to.”

“Then you’d have blamed yourself for my hobbling around; it wouldn’t have changed much. Don’t blame yourself for everything.”

“I’m trying not to. It’s just… you know I’m crap at talking things through.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I’m so afraid I’ll fuck up again and lose you for good.”

“Me too. I still don’t really know what happened then. It didn’t just start after that stupid little accident… you were so busy with your work, and I was feeling bad about myself… Not only the weight, but also the knowledge that I got my position not based on my skills and everybody knows it… I was sent to Dale and not somebody more senior… I reckon I was feeling the pressure because Thorin was giving me more responsibilities… since he wanted more time with Bilbo…”

“You didn’t tell me that back then.”

“No.” Kíli stopped walking and inspected his fingers. “It felt dead stupid next to your problems at work. My problems just come from being privileged.”

“Well, maybe, but that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel bad about yourself. I’m just sorry I didn’t really notice how bad you felt, I thought it was just your weight…”

Kíli sighed. “I guess we were both too wrapped up in ourselves. And, you know, there’s something I need to apologize for.”

“What?”

“During that fight.” Kíli hunched over instinctively when he remembered that painful evening. “I said you cared more about your kink than my health. I knew while I was saying that that it wasn’t true. I didn’t really think, but I reckon I meant to hurt you -- because I _know_ how much saying something like that would hurt you. It was a low blow, and I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Fíli said, acknowledging the truth behind Kíli’s word, even if he really didn’t feel up to going into it. He noticed that he had become so tense, his back was starting to hurt. “Apology accepted. We both said and did fucking stupid things. I walked out.”

“Yes.” Tears escaped Kíli’s eyes, but he didn’t seem to notice them.

“I should at least have stayed until the morning.”

“No.” Kíli shook his head. “You did what you thought was best then. Maybe it would have changed something had you stayed, but maybe not.”

“I…”

“Stop, please.” Kíli finally wiped his wet face. “We already talked about how hurt we were, let’s not… let’s not get into that again.”

“No,” Fíli sighed, carefully pulling Kíli closer by his hand until they were flush against each other. Kíli smiled down at him.

“We need to look forward now, right? I wasn’t too sure about giving it another chance at first, but now I think it will work.”

Of course Fíli had felt that Kíli hadn’t been reluctant when he first brought up the idea of getting back to together, but it still stung to hear Kíli admit it. Even though he was relieved to hear that Kíli had changed his mind. He smiled, and forced himself to remain focused on the topic at hand.

“Yes. So about my mother… you realise she’s not just going to come for the weekend; it’s a long flight from New Zealand, which means she’s going to stay at least a week.”

Kíli was silent, his eyebrows drawing together to a fierce frown. Then he shrugged, clearing his brow. “Let her come. If she manages to break us apart, then I guess it just isn’t meant to be.”

Fíli could feel dread settling in his stomach, and a giant lump growing in his chest. This was irrational, this was just about his mother, not a monster, and he knew he only reacted so emotionally because this had been what their final fight had been about.

He noticed that Kíli was getting tenser too, probably for the same reason. So he put his arms around Kíli for a hug. Kíli seemed to melt into him. He dared to turn his head so he could kiss the side of Kíli’s head.

“I swear, there’s nothing she could say or do that would make me think any less of you.”

“I’ll do my best not to be hurt by anything she says.”

“Kíli, love…” Fíli pulled away just enough to gently caress Kíli’s cheeks. “You’re allowed to be hurt. Don’t pressure yourself not to be hurt. Just… I guess you’ll have to let me know, with everything going on I’m going to be tense as hell anyway, and I can’t promise you I’ll notice, I’m sorry.”

“I think I can do that.”

Kíli broke the hug but smiled at Fíli, and they resumed their walk.

“So that’s sorted?” Fíli asked after a few steps. “You’re going to tell Thorin he can send her an invitation if he wants to, and I’m going to tell her I don’t mind her coming if she behaves?”

“I guess so.”

“Good. I’m glad we talked about that. Can we talk about something more pleasant now?”

Kíli laughed. “Like, should we turn back now so we can make out before we have to leave, or should we enjoy the fresh air a bit longer?”

“Why don’t we make out _while_ enjoying the fresh air?” Fíli suggested immediately, trailing a finger up Kíli’s arm.

“Hmm…”

They found a nice spot behind a clump of trees.

*

It was sad to part as soon as they reached Dublin, but they had discussed in the car that it was best not to spend the evening together. So Kíli drove Fíli home before he returned to his flat, wondering when the appropriate time to ask Fíli to move back in would be. He had already decided not to look for another flatmate; things were going too well with Fíli now, he hoped it wouldn’t be too long before they were ready to live together again.

 

As soon as Kíli sent his mother a text in the evening to tell her he arrived safely back in Dublin, she called him to let him know that they needed his help in narrowing down possible menus for the wedding. Only when he told her to please send an official invitation to Fíli’s mother, she remembered to ask how the weekend with Fíli had gone.

 

The result was a direct order to bring Fíli over for Sunday dinner again.

*

“Don’t worry,” Kíli assured his boyfriend again as they walked towards the house from the bus stop. “There won’t be much time for awkwardness, we’re mainly going to be talking about the wedding preparations.”

“God, I hope so.”

Kíli knew that Fíli’s last encounter with his mother had not been very pleasant; Kíli would always be her baby, and Fíli had hurt him. So when she had let Fíli into the flat to collect his things, she certainly hadn’t been overly friendly.

 

The door was opened by Bifur this time, who seemed happy to see Fíli, and even happier when Fíli used his three sentences of Gaelic to greet him. They found Thorin and Bilbo in the living room; Thorin was just about to uncork a bottle of wine.

“Ah, good of you two to finally arrive!” Thorin smiled at both of them and lifted the bottle. “We were wondering about serving this as the apéritif, so we need your opinion!”

While Bilbo greeted them properly, Thorin poured seven glasses of wine and pushed two each at Fíli and Kíli.

“Go and bring them to Dis and Bofur in the kitchen!”

Bifur sat down with his glass next to Bilbo and appeared to examine its merit very seriously. Fíli looked uncertainly between Thorin and Bilbo. That was it? After months of him not being here, they acted like nothing had happened. He heard Kíli chuckling and Kíli nudged him with his hip.

 

Dis was just taking the roast out of the oven, while Bofur was busy putting the vegetables in bowls.

“Wine!” Kíli announced, and Dis groaned.

“Seriously? He couldn’t wait until we were finished here?”

“Apparently he could not.”

Bofur took his glass from Fíli. “Hi there.” He sniffed the wine. “I hope they don’t expect my opinion; they should have learnt by now that wine is wine to me.”

Fíli smiled. “I’m not too good with wine either.”

“Just tell Thorin whether you like it or not.” Dis sighed and gave Kíli a half-hug and Fíli a half-smile. He wasn’t quite forgiven yet, it seemed.

“Let’s put dinner on the table, it’s going to be cold by the time Thorin declares the wine testing to be finished.”

 

And Thorin did complain that they hadn’t all finished their wine yet, but of course it was always easy to move Bilbo with food. Bilbo gently forced his fiancé to sit down, and they all listened to what Thorin had to say about wine and weddings while Dis distributed dinner.

It was only before the afters was served (raspberry sorbet with mango sauce) that the conversation turned to Fíli’s mother.

“We’re going to have to put her up here,” Dis said. “You don’t have a guest room in your flat, do you, Fíli?”

“No.”

“Can’t she stay with Kíli?” Bofur asked curiously. “He’s got four rooms, hasn’t he?”

Everyone shifted awkwardly.

“My mother’s difficult,” Fíli said finally. “I think a hotel would be best.”

“It just seems wrong to put up my sister-in-law in a hotel.” Dis pursed her lips. “I haven’t seen her in, what? 20 years?”

“She’s got some unpleasant opinions - I mean I told her to behave herself, but…” He shrugged.

“It would be difficult anyway,” Thorin remarked. “Where would you put her, Dis? We’ve got Drogo and Primula staying with little Frodo in one guest room, and Gandalf is staying in the second.”

“Gandalf will only be staying for a couple of days though.”

“I’ll try to suggest that she travel around a bit,” Fíli explained then. “She’s never been to England either, and while she’s in the area, she might as well explore London and Stratford-upon-Avon… she always loved Shakespeare. There’s a B&B near my flat, so once she confirmed her flight, I’ll book her a room there.”

“Well, that’s sorted.” Kíli clapped his hands. “Can we move on now?”

“Certainly.” Bilbo looked very relieved. “We’ve been thinking about where to take the wedding pictures. Obviously, this is Ireland, so we can’t exactly count on nice weather, can we…?”

Both Fíli and Kíli stopped listening and just nodded occasionally. Fíli hoped they hadn’t committed to a long photo session.

 

Dis did hug Fíli when they left, so he assumed that he had somehow passed muster. It was almost as if nothing happened, but when he put on the shoes, he saw the empty spaces where two pictures of Kíli and him used to hang. Fíli silently vowed that by the time his mother visited, they would be there again.

 

“Two more months,” Kíli said with a deep sigh when they were on the bus. “Two more months. I’m really glad I’ve got you to suffer with me now.”

“It’s going to be like this every Sunday, isn’t it?”

“It’s going to get worse. Bilbo is fussy, Thorin is obsessive, and Mam is a perfectionist with very strong ideas about receptions.”

But not even that could destroy the happy mood Fíli was in now that another massive step was taken in their renewed relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a longish break, I really appreciate comments even more, to see how many people are actually still reading it ;)


	10. Getting warmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not actually a new chapter, but a "missing scene"/outtake from chapter 9.  
> And a fill for the kink bingo prompt: "Petting"  
> Reading that on my prompts reminded me that I was a bit unhappy about just skipping over one scene in the previous chapter where Fíli and Kíli were making out in "Chasing Domestic Bliss" - in hindsight it seemed that that particular make-out session was important enough to get more attention. This takes place the day after Fíli and Kíli discussed Kíli's insecurities and Fíli listed everything he loves about Kíli's body and Kíli is starting to get more confident again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betaed as always by @khafushun. thank you again!  
> The title is a stupid pun on playing that children's game (at least it's one here) where you help people find something that's hidden by saying "cold" warm" and "hot", and when they move in the right direction, they're "getting warmer." I'm sorry, titles and me are not friends.

So far, the weekend was working wonders to give their relationship a new boost. 

After resuming their relationship following their break, both of them had been too reluctant to take the next step, keeping their interactions as safe as possible.

But then Kíli had asked his cousin-slash-boyfriend to spend an extended weekend away in the family holiday home, right in the middle of nowhere. 

They had a marvellous time driving there, taking the truly scenic route along the coast, and then Kíli had finally taken the first step to rekindle their physical relationship.

Fíli’s mind was still replaying that scene in the kitchen the day before, while they were climbing around Blarney castle and got caught in the rain.

When they had made it back to Oakenshield and safely sheltered from the increasing rain, Kíli smiled and asked “Bed?”

It was early afternoon, so the question confused Fíli.

“Are you tired?”

Kíli looked at him quizzically. “No. But since we need to get out of our clothes anyway…”

“Oh.”

“Only if you’re up for it of course…” Kíli looked almost shy now, ducking his head. “I was just…”

“No. It’s great.”

Why Fíli suddenly felt self-conscious he couldn’t say. Of course he had hoped this would be the result of the weekend, and they already had done it the day before in the kitchen.

Getting out of wet clothes was not exactly erotic, and they both hurried to get undressed before they slipped under the blankets, completely naked.

They started to chuckle and Fíli reached for Kíli, pulling himself closer by holding onto Kíli’s hip. Their bodies lined up and Fíli captured Kíli’s mouth in a kiss.

Kíli’s lips were warm and soft, yielding to the pressure from Fíli’s mouth. It seemed an eternity that they just kissed each other softly, lips moving leisurely, bodies pressed close. When their hands began to move lower, and their kisses became more passionate, Fíli pulled away, gently.

“You'll let me know if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, right?" Fíli didn't come right out and say it, but it was clear to them both that he was referring to Kíli’s discomfort regarding certain parts of his body.

Kíli pecked Fíli’s lips. “I promise.”

Fíli covered Kíli’s mouth with his again, more insistent this time, pouring his desperate love and longing into the kiss, to convey how much this weekend meant to him, this leap they were taking in their relationship. Both times now it had been Kíli who had taken the initiative, and Fíli wanted to make sure that Kíli understood just how okay Fíli was with this. His heart lurched at the thought of Kíli doubting, even the tiniest bit, how much Fíli wanted him; Kíli needed to understand with every fiber of his being just how desirable he was.

Fíli put his hand on Kíli’s bare arse, rubbing it gently, enjoying the size; he had big hands but they felt so small in comparison, and Fíli absolutely loved it, all that soft flesh just begging to be squeezed. And Fíli couldn’t help but give in to the temptation to do so, repeatedly.

Kíli moaned, pulling Fíli even closer, until Fíli could feel Kíli’s belly give underneath him, his own hips digging into Kíli’s body. He sighed quietly into the kiss, gripping Kíli tighter in response. This felt so right, so good; he wanted to be this close to Kíli always, to never let him go again.

He felt Kíli slowly grow harder against him, just as Fíli also felt himself swelling, but there wasn’t a sense of urgency, just a pleasant tingle of desire.

After a while, Kíli shifted slightly, putting just a little distance between them, enough for their hands to be freer to roam. 

Gently, Fíli pushed Kíli back even further, breaking their kiss, until Kíli was laying on his back. Fíli let his hands glide all over Kíli’s chest, catching his dark hair, teasing his nipples and kissing a hot trail along Kíli’s neck and shoulder, always his weak spots. Kíli began to squirm as Fíli sucked on a spot near his collarbone, his left hand wandering over Fíli’s back, teasing the dips just above Fíli’s bottom, the right clutching at Fíli’s hair.

Fíli didn’t dare go lower, to touch the swell of Kíli’s belly, despite their conversation the day before, despite the permission Kíli had given. He was too afraid to break the magic, to mess up their marvellous reconnection by triggering any of Kíli’s insecurities. But Kíli surprised him once more, when he suddenly grabbed Fíli’s hesitant hand and put it squarely on Kíli’s belly.

On that soft, hairy curve, that had always attracted Fíli.

Kíli bent his head to press a soft kiss to the side of Fíli’s head. “Go on, love, please.”

Still, Fíli carefully monitored Kíli’s reaction, ready to retreat to safer territory if Kíli seemed even a little uncomfortable.

His hands roamed over the curve, where Kíli’s belly began below his rib cage, all the way down, where a beautiful curve marked the border between Kíli’s belly and groin, his hands following the trail of hair there.

Laying down, Kíli’s belly was flatter than when he was standing up, but it remained Fíli’s second most favourite part of Kíli’s body. Right after his generous arse.

He ended up trailing the lower outline with his fingers, dangerously close to Kíli’s hard erection, brushing it with the heels of his hand occasionally. 

“You remember the first time we had sex… I mean all the way?”

“Hmmm?” Kíli looked at him, his hazel eyes heavy-lidded but curious, his voice rougher than usual.

“In France… in the hotel room…”

Kíli hummed again, his hand rubbing over Fíli’s hips, scratching teasingly at the sensitive spot just above his hipbone. Fíli exhaled sharply before continuing. His mouth was growing dry just from remembering that night.

“You were putting the suitcases away, on top of the cupboard, and your shirt rode up and exposed your belly, the curve of it… and I wanted you so much.”

He kept his touches light, and turned his head to kiss Kíli’s collarbone, afraid that he had said the wrong thing.

Kíli didn’t react for a moment, his hand almost stilling on Fíli’s hip, and then he laughed.

“I had wondered why you were so eager all of a sudden.”

“You have that effect on me.” Fíli moved up again, angling his head so he could press kisses on Kíli’s stubbly chin, moving on to kiss the corner of his mouth. He could feel Kíli’s chuckle just as much as he heard it, vibrating from his lips and spreading all throughout his body.

His hand began to explore Kíli’s belly again, moving up again and to the sides. He even dared to squeeze it a little.

Kíli yelped in surprise, but Fíli also felt his erection stir against his forearm, angled just above Kíli’s crotch, and he grinned, repeating the action.

“Fuck,” Kíli swore, “I didn’t know…”

He didn’t have to end that sentence, his low moans as Fíli continued to tease his belly telling Fíli just how much Kíli was enjoying this. And then Kíli’s strong arms grabbed Fíli’s hips, dragging him practically on top of Kíli.

It took a moment for Fíli to find his bearings again, bracing himself on the bed.

Kíli was rocking his hips against Fíli now, and there was nothing leisurely anymore in the way he grabbed Fíli’s bottom and pressed down on it, grinding their cocks together.

Fíli gasped, burying his face in the crook of Kíli’s neck, his fingers digging into Kíli’s shoulders. He heard Kíli pant into his ear, the bursts of breath making him shiver.

Precum made their cocks slide together more easily, sending white-hot jolts up Fíli’s spine; Kíli made a shuddery noise.

But they wouldn’t get off like that, so Fíli finally moved his body up, to kneel above his boyfriend. He looked down at Kíli, their eyes locking. Once more, Fíli’s breath was taken away by the passion radiating from Kíli’s fierce eyes and his flushed face, his wet, pink lips. With difficulty, he tore his gaze away, redirecting it to look down between them, where Kíli’s erection lay flush and rock-hard against his soft belly. The contrast was so alluring, that Fíli was almost reluctant to lift his shaky hand to wrap it around Kíli’s erection, tampering with that lovely imagery. But he would make it worth it.

A gasp escaped Kíli’s mouth, before he lifted his arm to support Fíli’s hip, which was tilting dangerously to the side as Fíli began to pump him slowly, all while trying to keep his balance. But now supported by Kíli, he could tighten his grip, building up a rhythm.

Then Kíli’s other hand closed around Fíli’s cock, and all his world narrowed down to Kíli’s soft hand and Kíli’s hot erection in his own; the blissful look on Kíli’s face beneath him. Kíli’s breath was coming out in low moans now, fanning the desire flooding all throughout Fíli.

But it was Kíli who came first with a low groan, his come spattering over Fíli’s chest. His hand stuttered for a moment, his eyes still screwed shut, before he picked up his pace again, jerking Fíli off more roughly now, and then Fíli came too, his knees buckling. He collapsed on top of Kíli, a deep sense of peace washing over him.

It took a while for the small “ow” that had escaped Kíli, whose hand was trapped awkwardly between their bodies now, to filter through the haze in Fíli’s mind. 

They both laughed, while Kíli extracted his hand.

Still, Kíli put his arms around Fíli again, and they stayed like that this time, sated and happy, until they couldn’t ignore the stickiness anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little outtake :)  
> I hope I'll be able to update soon with a true new chapter :)


	11. A sunny August day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli and Kíli take another big step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you @Khafushun for the awesome editing!

August came. The weather was mild, the temperatures staying below 20 C, just the sort of weather both Kíli and Fíli appreciated. There was no rain forecast for the second weekend of August, so Fíli suggested they go for a hike on Saturday.

Kíli was immediately on board with the idea.

 

On Friday, Fíli called him and suggested he ask Tauriel if she and Legolas would like to join them. Kíli called and Tauriel immediately said that she and Legolas would love to come. Kíli had suspected that Fíli had avoided Tauriel almost on purpose, and he himself hadn’t been too eager to have them meet again. But Tauriel was his best friend, and he felt as if his relationship with Fíli was on solid ground again. He didn’t need them to be best friends, but it would be nice if they got along. He was well aware that the problem was Tauriel’s protectiveness, but he hoped that Fíli would understand.

 

*

 

They were going to meet on Saturday morning in Rathfarnam, a suburb in the South of Dublin, to hike in the Wicklow mountains. 

 

Kíli got up early on Saturday, so Fíli and Tauriel wouldn’t encounter each other without Kíli present. Although Legolas could generally be depended upon to be reasonable, Kíli believed it would be helpful if there was no chance for Tauriel to see this as an opportunity to tell Fíli what she thought of him. 

 

However, Kíli didn’t have the time to get bored alone at the bus stop. Fíli arrived just after him, to Kíli’s slight surprise, as Fíli lived the furthest away, in the North of Dublin. He had not expected him to be there 10 minutes early on a Saturday morning. Not that he complained; Fíli was always a welcome sight. He was wearing a functional, light-blue shirt that was slightly too loose, although Fíli had started to fill out a bit, and the shirt brought out his eyes and the gorgeously unkempt hair.

 

When the next bus arrived and Legolas and Tauriel emerged. Tauriel gave Kíli a big hug, all but ignoring Fíli. Legolas sighed and greeted Fili politely enough; but they really were only the barest of acquaintances..

 

*

 

Nobody could have predicted what a success Fíli’s spontaneous idea would be. As it turned out, Legolas was actually very interested in agriculture, particularly organic agriculture, and knew much more than any of them about forestry, a topic that fascinated Fíli. While Kíli and Tauriel led the way, chatting about their jobs, mutual friends, and sports, or just admiring the landscape, Fíli and Legolas were lagging behind, discussing conservation efforts and organic agriculture in Ireland, occasionally pausing to determine the species of a plant they passed.

It was fascinating to watch Fíli like that, totally in his element. He looked like he belonged in this rough landscape, with his windswept hair, his arms covered in thick blond hair, and his aquiline nose shaped as boldly as the mountains around them.

 

When they started to descend back towards Dublin, Kíli suddenly found himself roped into the conversation, when Legolas asked him about the environmental policies of Erebor, Inc., and particularly the Erebor mine itself. He had to admit that his family didn’t have the best track record. These days they were the cleanest mining corporation in the British Isles, but there was still some residual waste around Erebor and other mines. He let Fíli take over the conversation again, as he really didn’t know much more about it.

 

*

 

They were back in Dublin by late afternoon. Kíli’s knee was starting to ache a bit and just before they had started to walk down again, he had been a bit out of breath, but overall this had been much easier than a similar hike he had taken with Tauriel and Legolas just four months earlier.

 

Fíli and Tauriel had barely interacted, but Kíli counted the day as a success. Fíli had, during lunch, made an effort to smile and Tauriel and asked her a couple of questions, which she had answered, if not with her usual grace. Kíli hoped that she had seen how perfectly happy Fíli and Kili were together now.

 

While they waited for the bus, Legolas invited them for dinner in two weeks. And Tauriel looked pleased with that, repeating the invitation. Fíli immediately responded that they’d be delighted to. When they were on the bus, he asked Tauriel, not Legolas, if they could bring something. It was obvious that Fíli tried his best to get into Tauriel’s good books again and that thought made it very hard for Kíli not to hug and kiss Fíli right there in the bus.

 

They all had to get out in the centre of Dublin. Fíli had said goodbye to Legolas and Tauriel and turned to hug Kíli, but Kíli was not prepared to let go of Fíli just yet.

 

“You don’t have any plans for tonight, right? We could have dinner together at my place.”

 

Saying ‘my place’ still had a bitter taste, and Fíli hesitated a little, glancing at Legolas and Tauriel who stood slightly awkwardly next to them. This would be the first time Fíli was back there after their talk, but with their little audience, Fíli couldn’t voice that. Kíli’s heart was starting to sink, but then Fíli smiled and nodded.

 

“That’s a great idea.”

 

 

*

 

It was impossible to pretend that it wasn’t odd. The bus passed by the pub where they had occasionally had a drink together. And the Tesco, where they had gone shopping together. Fíli was silent as Kíli unlocked the door and walked up to the third floor.

 

The last time Fíli had been here had been when they had had their talk. Fíli had been exhausted and miserable, and so had Kíli. Granted, they had then decided to try dating again.

 

Still. Fíli stood a bit awkwardly after he had taken off his boots and Kíli nearly said “make yourself at home.” Instead he cleared his throat and asked: “Would you like a drink?”

 

Fíli’s eyes darted through the hallway, as if looking for changes, then he nodded. “Just water, thanks.”

 

“Coming right up.”

 

Kíli didn’t move to the kitchen though; he took Fíli’s hand and squeezed it. The tension around Fíli’s mouth dissipated and he smiled at Kíli, a bit hesitantly. That was all it took for Kíli’s arms to move of their own accord, and he drew Fíli closer into a hug. Fíli melted into his arms, his hands on Kíli’s shoulder blades, his head on Kíli’s shoulder, just where it belonged.

 

It took them a while to let go again.

 

“So.” Kíli cleared his throat. Again. “Water, right?”

 

“Please.”

 

Fíli followed Kíli into the kitchen and watched him pour a glass of water, took it from Kíli with a smile, and then watched as Kíli got a beer from the fridge for himself.

 

“Should we order food?” Kíli asked, looking at the clock that hung next to the door. “Or do you fancy going out for dinner? I haven’t got much here, I’m afraid.”

 

Fíli inclined his gorgeous blond head, as if he knew what those bouncing curls did to Kíli. He probably did.

 

“Order in. I’m not in the mood to find a table on a Saturday night, especially not after hiking all day.”

 

“True.” Kíli took out his take-away menus from the drawer. He was quite peckish after the hike.

 

They decided on Japanese, ordering some sushi as an appetiser, along with a beef teriyaki burger for Kíli, and yakisoba for Fíli. They then settled in as they waited for their food to arrive. Just as Kíli let his hand slip into Fíli’s trousers, the doorbell rang. Of course, this was the one Saturday that an order actually arrived sooner than expected.

 

Kíli couldn’t feel too annoyed, though: after all that hiking, he was starving. For that reason, they didn’t talk much, instead focusing on their food. Kíli glanced around the room as he started in on his burger: since Tauriel had made sure to rearrange the furniture after Fili left, it wasn’t exactly like in old times. Before, the table had been next to the window, just a step away from the kitchen, now it was on the other side of the room. Fíli hadn’t commented on that, Kíli realised. Nor had he ever asked if Kíli had started to look for someone to move into the empty room.

 

Suddenly, this complacency started to bother Kíli. Fíli was sitting here, toying with his noodles and smiling. Granted, Kíli had groped his legs a couple of times during dinner, so he had some reason to smirk, but this was a big step! Fíli was here, they had dinner together in their old home!

 

Couldn’t Fíli be a bit more nervous? Or did it not seem like such a big deal to him? To Kíli it was a first step to living together again, to completely mending their relationship. For him it meant moving in together again, but it might just be another assumption that turned out to be wrong. Sometimes Kíli worried that Fíli preferred living with his flatmates. Yes, he had been as frustrated as Kíli with the slow paced they had forced on themselves initially. The pace was still slower than Kíli would have liked. They had talked at length about what had gone wrong before. They had come to understand each other better. They were as compatible as ever in bed. Where they had spend a lot less time than Kíli would like. 

 

So why had Fíli not even hinted at the possibility of living together again? Why was he so totally fine with treating this as Kíli’s space?

 

On the other hand, Kíli knew he was unreasonable. Kíli also hadn’t found the courage yet to ask Fíli about moving together again, even though he had meant to for weeks. He couldn’t expect Fíli just to know what Kíli wanted, and he couldn’t pretend he knew everything that went on in Fíli’s beautiful head. Maybe he was feeling uncomfortable here, maybe it brought back memories, maybe Fíli wasn’t sure if Kíli would want him here permanently already. Maybe Fíli just didn’t like this flat anymore after all that had happened. Fíli was somebody who was always very collected. Apart from that memorable break-down in May. He wouldn’t find Fíli nearly as attractive if he were behaving like an antsy teenager right now.

 

“Kíli?”

 

Pulled from his thoughts by his boyfriend’s voice, Kíli blinked. “Sorry. I was thinking.”

 

“What about?” Fíli did look a bit worried now, his eyebrows raised.

 

“Just … stuff.” Kíli put his burger down and took another sip of his beer. Fíli’s eyes followed his movements, but he didn’t say anything, and they finished the rest of their meal in silence.

 

*

 

The ease with which they took care of the leftovers and the dirty dishes together bothered Kíli again. Or rather, it was that Fíli seemed to be totally unaware of how well they worked together. He took the cleaned plates Kíli gave him without really looking, and put them in the cupboard without hesitation. Fíli belonged here. He just didn’t seem to realise.

 

When Fíli closed the fridge after having put his leftover noodles there, Kíli slung his arms around Fíli from behind.

 

“Stay the night? We can go see Mam together tomorrow from here.”

 

“Not in these clothes.” Fíli gestured at his dirty jeans and his shirt. “Thorin wouldn’t be impressed.”

 

“True.”

 

That was one practical downside to their size difference; Fíli could hardly borrow anything from Kíli; he’d look ridiculous.

 

That didn’t mean he was ready to let Fíli go home, though. Especially not when Fíli’s small smile was full of regret. He tightened his grip.

 

“We can go and pick up some clothes at your place before heading there. I want to have you a bit for myself this weekend.”

 

And there was Fíli’s smirk, as cocky as it used to be. “Whatever for?”

 

Feeling bold, Kíli leant forward to kiss Fíli’s earlobe. “I got plans for you. Involving your cock.”

 

“Hmm.” Fíli pressed closer to Kíli, his voice dark as he replied, “I think I could be persuaded to stay.”

 

Kíli quickly pulled Fíli flush against himself, burying his face in Fíli’s hair. It was dishevelled after their hike, smelling like dirt and grass and sunshine, and Fíli pressed small kisses on Kíli’s neck that sent sparks through his body.

 

He turned his head to nibble on Fíli’s ear, and let one of his hands wander down to tease Fíli’s hip. It didn’t take more than tasting Fíli’s skin and feeling his hip bone to forget about his irrational annoyance from earlier. He was already half-hard when Fíli squeezed Kíli’s waist in response and tilted his pelvis just so that Kíli’s hand slid further towards his crotch. All was forgotten but the immediate need to get to the bedroom.

 

Fíli laughed when Kíli pulled Fíli towards his goal. But once Kíli was kissing Fíli, Fíli’s hands found Kíli’s backside and squeezed.

 

Kíli broke the kiss with a laugh.

 

“You want my arse, do you?”

 

“Yes please.” Fíli was smirking, but his voice was husky and his blue eyes shone with desire. “Did your plans for my cock involve your arse?”

 

They certainly did now. Kíli answered by practically pushing Fíli into the bedroom. They were both too busy kissing and groping, to give more than a split second to the thought that Fíli had now passed the threshold of their most intimate space once more.

 

Instead, Kíli was busy undressing Fíli, and undressing himself, noticing how Fíli’s eyes widened when his eyes roamed over Kíli’s body. With a sudden burst of confidence, he made a show out of turning around to take off his pants, wiggling his backside. As soon as they had dropped on the floor, two surprisingly strong hands grabbed his hips and he was pushed face-first onto the bed. His breathless laughter soon turned into moans, when Fíli’s mouth pressed a trail of kisses over the fired-up nerves of his spine. It took almost all of his brain-power to fumble with the nightstand drawer to locate the lube and hand it to Fíli.

Fíli didn’t lose any time; he opened the cap with a practiced flip of the thumb, and seconds later a slick finger slid into Kíli.

 

Once he was prepared, though, he turned around and pressed a kiss onto Fíli’s surprised lips.

 

“Let me ride you?” Kíli suggested, his hand sneaking down to pump Fíli’s cock. Fíli nodded, leaning forward to claim Kíli’s lips for a brief kiss, before he laid down on his back, taking his cock in his hand, slicking it with more lube. His hairy chest was rising and falling with deep breaths as he looked steadily at Fíli, all traces of his smirk gone as he waited for Kíli to get on with it.

 

This was something Kíli had never done, and he hesitated for a split second. Then Fíli’s right hand found Kíli’s hip, teasing the dip below his hipbone a little and causing Kíli to shiver.

“Take your time,” Fíli said, almost too gently for the situation, and Kíli nodded. With another deep breath, he straddled Fíli’s hips, taking a moment to let his fingers rake over Fíli’s chest.

 

Breathing out, he slowly sank down on Fíli’s cock, guided by Fíli’s hand, enjoying the slow stretch. He had missed this so much. It was more than just the physical act, more than the wonderful sparks that shocked his body when Fíli’s cock brushed his sweet spot. It was the connection he felt, the unguarded love and affection in Fíli’s blue eyes, the knowledge that it was Fíli’s cock inside him, stretching him, that it was Fíli’s warm body between his legs.

And knowing that he still could read Fíli so well. Knowing just how much he loved what Kíli was doing. The quiet gasps, the subtle shivers, the way Fíli would close his eyes. He was never as loud as Kíli, who couldn’t stop his moans as he rode Fíli slowly, almost too slowly. For all his passion earlier, now he didn’t want the moment to end.

 

Finally Fíli bucked up his hips, quietly calling out Kíli’s name. Kíli took that as his cue to pick up the pace. His bad knee was starting to ache a little, but he focused on the intent look on Fíli’s face, the sweat forming on Fíli’s forehead. He tilted his pelvis so Fíli’s cock brushed his prostate with every movement. He didn’t notice Fíli reaching up until Fíli’s thick fingers closed around Kíli’s cock. The dull pain in his knee faded as he groaned, stilling his movements, and letting Fíli buck up into him, stroking his cock in the same rhythm. It didn’t take long until Kíli couldn’t hold back anymore. 

Fíli pulled him down, and he buried his face in Fíli’s sweaty neck, while Fíli thrust into him, in quick, erratic movements. Then he suddenly stilled, just a quiet gasp telling Kíli that he had come. He slowly relaxed, slipping out of Kíli as he let his hips sink to the bed.

 

They stayed like this for a few moments, until it became too uncomfortable for Kíli, and his knee complained too much. He gingerly pushed himself up and rolled off Fíli to stretch his legs a little before he reached for some tissues.

 

He only cleaned them up very superficially, holding onto Fíli when it looked like Fíli meant to get up.

 

“Cuddle!” he demanded and with a chuckle, Fíli gave in and pulled Kíli into a strong embrace.

 

“I want you to stay,” Kíli burst out, his post-orgasmic bliss having removed all his filters. But Fíli only traced his spine, his voice full of humour.

 

“Love, I told you, I’m going to stay the night.”

 

Kíli sighed, pushing himself away from Fíli, just a little, just enough to look at him.

“Not just for tonight. I want you to move back in.”

 

Fíli’s face froze. 

 

“You what?”

 

“Sorry.” Kíli bit his lip and looked down. “I just … I told you I was thinking about looking for a flatmate, I can barely afford this place, it’s ridiculously big, but every time I start thinking about writing an advert, I just think that if I do that, you can’t come back so easily. And also, you live with students; students look for rooms starting September, and that’s soon, and I know you, you’re not going to move out until your flatmates find somebody else, so I thought we better talk about this soon. I don’t want to wait until spring term to have you back fully. Sorry to spring this on you.”

 

“I...” Fíli drew away from Kíli and sat up, rubbing his face. 

 

Worried, Kíli sat up too.“Do you think it’s too early to move back in together? I just kind of thought we were heading in this direction … That you’d want to.” 

 

“Yes. Of course. I’m just a bit overwhelmed, I reckon.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“No, it’s fine. But it’s not even a month since we went to Oakenshield, and I’ve only recently started going back to Sunday dinners with your family again., I thought we were going to take this slow, but now you suddenly want me to move back in with you at the end of this month?”

 

“Well, yes. It feels right to me.” Kíli shrugged with a good deal of faked nonchalance that he knew Fíli could see through.

 

Fíli was chewing his lower lip thoughtfully.

 

“I’d love to live with you again,” he finally said. “I miss waking up next to you, and sharing meals with you, and simply being in the same room as you.”

 

“But?”

 

“But my mother is coming in September, and I put her up in a hotel with the excuse that I don’t have enough space. But if I’m living here again, I wouldn’t have that excuse, would I? Or are you putting up any guests here?”

 

“No. I don’t really know anyone well enough. Mam has asked if I’d take in Gandalf, so she could take in your mother, but that’s all.”

 

“See?” Fíli continued to rub his face. “It’s just … she can’t come here. And she’s going to bitch about that.”

 

“Right.”

 

Fíli didn’t say anything, but he was sitting far too rigidly on the soft bed. And then he swung his legs over the edge and got up.

 

“Can we get some tea?” Fíli’s voice was way too tight.

 

Kíli felt his face transform into a scowl and he didn’t even try to smoothen it.

 

“Sure.”

 

That. That was what felt wrong. Fíli asking if they could have tea. This used to be his place too, and he should just get up and make tea. But he didn’t want that anymore. Or at least not now.

 

Kíli got out of bed and stomped into the kitchen.

 

It took a moment for Fíli to follow. And once Fíli joined Kíli in the kitchen, he ignored the kettle, which was starting to boil.

 

Fíli very hesitantly touched Kíli’s arm with his fingertips.

 

“I’ve upset you, haven’t I?”

 

“A bit.” Kíli let out a puff of air, not fully turning to Fíli. “I should not have asked you to move in.”

 

“I told you I’d love to,” Fíli said, his hand falling down again. “It’s just …”

 

“It’s just that you’re using your bloody mother as an excuse!” Kíli only realised how loud his voice had become when Fíli winced. He took a deep breath, and continued, in a more normal tone. 

 

“You know that you’re either moving in now, or in February. I don’t know what kind of contract you signed with your flatmates, but I know you. Even if you’d be free to move out whenever you want, you wouldn’t until they found somebody else. And you know how hard that is in the middle of the term.”

 

“I never thought that far,” Fíli admitted, rubbing his forearm. “I didn’t think you’d want me here so soon.”

 

“I never wanted you to move out in the first place,” Kíli pointed out, only to regret it immediately. A look of deep hurt crossed Fíli’s face, before it became totally neutral.

 

“Maybe I should go home,” Fíli said, his voice hesitant. “I can’t do this now, today was exhausting and …”

 

“I’m sorry.” Kíli pushed himself away from the counter and put his arms around Fíli’s waist. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that up. Please stay?” He swallowed, mostly his pride, and continued. “If you leave now, after this, it would feel so shitty. Like, like you’re breaking up with me all over again …” He tightened his hold when he felt Fíli tense. “I know it’s silly.”

 

“It’s not.” Fíli finally put his hands around Kíli. “I shouldn’t even have thought of running away just because we started fighting. I’m sorry.”

 

They just held each other for a moment, but Kíli still couldn’t relax.

 

“So why don’t you want to move in? And don’t use your mother as an excuse, please.”

 

“It’s not an excuse.” Fíli sighed. “Can we finish that tea and then talk?”

 

“Alright.” Kíli released Fíli to switch the kettle on again.

 

Five minutes later they sat at the big table in the living room, with tea and biscuits. Kíli wasn’t sure how to start that conversation again, but he didn’t need too. After he took a big sip of his tea, Fíli took Kíli’s hand.

 

“I’m not using my mother as an excuse. I already have sleepless nights because of her coming, imagining that you may break up with me if she’s really horrible and I can’t stop her, or that she’ll hurt you, and I won’t know how to make it better, or that she ruins the wedding for Bilbo and Thorin. I just wish I’d have told her to stay home if she ever wants to talk to me again.”

 

“Right. I can’t say I understand,” Kíli admitted. He never had that many issues with Dis or Thorin, not even when he was a teenager. And his father was just completely out of the picture, the man had always just sent a card for his birthday and for Christmas. He was probably no better than Fíli’s mother, but it had stopped bothering Kíli a long time ago. “But are we really going to let her influence our lives so much? We don’t even know what will happen when she’s here.”

 

“She can’t stay here! Not in the same flat as you!”

 

Kíli groaned in frustration. “Fíli! Can you just give me an answer? Will you move back in or not?”

 

For a moment, Fíli’s face remained immobile, then a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth.

 

“As soon as I find someone to take my room.”

 

The sudden wave of relief that crashed over him nearly overwhelmed Kíli, and he dragged Fíli closer for a kiss, ignoring the clang as he knocked his cup to the floor. Fíli squeaked in surprise and then chuckled into the kiss, but he made no effort to break the stormy embrace and soon slid off his chair to sit in Kíli’s lap. Their kisses were giddy and breathless, their hands roaming aimlessly, with no intention to take this any further.

 

It took them a long time to disentangle themselves and mop up the floor. Even then, Kíli stopped halfway to draw Fíli closer for another kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story takes slightly longer than I thought to finish - Fíli's mother, for example, was supposed to arrive in this chapter. She'll be in the next, which I've already written, it just needs some editing etc. I'm also halfway into chapter 13, so I hope I'll be able to update quickly :)  
> As always, if you want to make my day, please comment if you liked this :)


	12. Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli moves and his mother arrives ....

The search for a new occupant for Fíli’s room was over within record time; Kíli mentioned their intention to move in together during dinner on Sunday. Dis looked quite pleased, and Bilbo immediately asked if Fíli’s room was still free. His favourite nephew, Frodo, was going to move to Ireland for a nine month internship starting in October, but meant to come over early to settle in. Of course, Frodo didn’t have a room yet and Bilbo had promised to help, but with the wedding planning, he didn’t have much time.

 

That same evening, Fíli told Faramir, Boromir, Merry, and Pippin about his plan to move out again, and about Frodo. They skyped Frodo immediately and after twenty minutes, Merry and Pippin had decided that it was this new flatmate or none. 

 

Faramir especially was unhappy that Fíli was already moving out, but Fíli promised that they would stay in touch. He’d love to continue their regular movie nights, in their flat or in Kíli and Fíli’s. It felt good to have friends in Dublin, and, although he felt guilty for it, it felt good to know that he’d be missed.

 

The following Saturday, Bofur arrived with a van that he had borrowed from his company for the weekend, and they loaded it with Fíli’s meager belongings. Despite the modest amount of stuff that needed to be moved, Dis had come as well and insisted on helping Fíli clean his old room, while Kíli and Bofur carried his belongings to the van. 

Then they all drove to the flat, where Dis disappeared into the kitchen to warm up a stew that she had prepared the night before. 

 

Kíli just shrugged, later, when Fíli told him that he felt bad that Dis had gone to so much trouble just for them. “Look, she grew up in a conservative family, and she believes that men can’t clean or cook. You can’t force her not to do this kind of stuff, it’s just what she does.”

 

Bofur nodded. “God knows, she’s made Bifur and me clean up a good deal more than we used to, otherwise she just cleans whenever she comes around, and we don’t want to take advantage.”

 

As soon as they had put the table in the room, Bofur left Fíli and Kíli to put up the pictures and joined Dis in the kitchen.

 

*

 

They were busy putting the poster of the All Blacks back up in the living room when Bofur carried out the stew. It was past noon, which meant they were hungry enough to do Dís stew justice; it was the first time Fíli sampled some of her cooking that wasn’t a roast or sweets, and it was delicious.

 

“So,” Dis asked, once she had finished her plate. “Your mother is going to stay here, right?”

 

“No!” Fíli almost dropped his spoon.

 

“Why not?” Dis and Bofur looked slightly scandalised, and a glance at Kíli told Fíli that his boyfriend had never even hinted at the difficulties with his mother.

 

“She can be a bitch, and I don’t want her near Kíli...” Fíli hoped they could just leave it at that, but of course he wasn’t so lucky.

 

“Isn’t that a bit harsh?” Dis looked positively shocked at her nephew’s language. “She’s your mother. I know you said she isn’t easy but I always thought she was quite a sweet woman, the few times I met her.”

 

“She can be, if she wants to be. The older she gets, the less she wants to be.” Fíli put his spoon down and took a deep breath. “She has a host of prejudices, against overweight people in particular.” The scowl on Dis’ face told him that she was beginning to understand, but he added anyway: “I’ve got no idea if she can keep her mouth shut around him, but even if she can, Kíli knows what she thinks about him, and he’s not going to have to put up with her in his own four walls knowing that even if she smiles, it’s fake.”

 

“For the record,” Kíli cut in, “I said she can stay here, I mean she’s Fíli’s mother.”

 

“I agree with Fíli on this one.” Dis was still scowling, her dark brows thunderous. “If I had known…”

 

“You couldn’t expect Fíli to tell you!” Kíli protested. “It’s…”

 

“I couldn’t, and I don’t,” Dis interrupted him. “But don’t you think you could have told me that she thinks my son isn’t good enough for hers before I invited her???”

 

“It’s a bit embarrassing, alright!” Kíli shouted. He scowled just as fiercely as his mother; Kíli’s parentage had never been more obvious. “‘Oh, by the way Mam, my boyfriend’s mam thinks I’m no good -- because I’m fat!’”

 

“You’re not! You’re just a bit chubby!”

 

“What’s the difference! Chubby, fat, obese… I weigh too fucking much, and you know it! You commented on it all the time when I first gained weight!”

 

Dis’s cheeks coloured, and her lips thinned, as she glared at her son. “I was just worried because you were always so athletic, and then you gave up!”

 

“I ripped my fucking knee!”

 

“Would you watch your language?”

 

“I will not!”

 

Fíli glanced at Bofur and caught his eye. Both grimaced. Then Bofur nodded towards the dirty plates. Fíli collected them discreetly, and Bofur took the bowl of stew, while Dis and Kili continued to bicker.

 

In the kitchen, Fíli drank a glass of water to help him calm down. “My mother is good at stirring shit up even from the other side of the world.”

 

“Not your fault though.” Bofur opened the fridge to take a beer, but then he closed it again, obviously remembering that he’d have to drive.

 

“Tea?” Fíli offered. The shouting had stopped, and he could hear Dis and Kíli talking normally now.

 

“Make a whole pot,” Bofur suggested, “I think we all need it.”

 

“Good point.” Fíli took the pot from the cupboard. Kíli had never rearranged the kitchen, everything was exactly where he remembered it.

 

He had just poured the water into the pot, when Dis called: “You can come back now, we’re done!”

 

So he carried the pot, and Bofur the cups. Dis laughed when she saw them.

 

“It’s so delightfully old fashioned to solve everything with tea.”

 

Kíli smiled too, and Fíli couldn’t resist squeezing his shoulder before he sat down again.

 

Dis cleared her throat. “As I said before, if you don’t want to put your mother up here, Gandalf can stay here and she can stay with us. I’ll soon put her in her place if she says anything against my son.”

 

Fíli shook his head with growing determination. “No. I’m going to call her tomorrow and let her know that I’ve moved back in with Kíli, and that I’ll book another hotel for her. And that she won’t be allowed in here.”

 

Kíli looked at him, with a slight frown. “Are you sure that’s…”

 

“It will be a big fight, but I’m beginning to realise that it’s better to tell her now, so there’s a chance that by the time she arrives, she has calmed down. I’ll make sure to tell her that you were willing to put up with her, but I can’t promise you that she’ll listen to that.”

 

“Well, it seems like the best course of action to me,” Bofur offered. “It’s heaps better than picking her up at the airport and quarrelling there. She’ll only arrive two days before the wedding, after all.”

 

“And she’ll be jetlagged,” Fili added. “She’ll sleep the first day if she’s anything like me.”

 

Bofur nodded. “Right. So if we want any chance of this not blowing up during the reception, you’ve got to tell her now.”

 

Dis sighed deeply. “I really hope there won’t be any trouble. Let’s not tell Bilbo and Thorin, it’s enough if we lose sleep over this.”

 

“I’ll keep an eye on her,” Fíli promised. “It’s not like she knows anyone there apart from me, Ori, you, and Thorin, so she’s stuck with me anyway.”

 

“She’s invited to family dinner the week after, though.”

 

“I can tell her she’s not welcome,” Fíli offered.

 

“No. Then I’d need to explain to Thorin.” Dis pushed her hands through her hair, dragging some strands out of her plait. “Just, please, tell her that I’m not going to tolerate anyone making any sort of remarks that could be seen as an insult, however indirect, to my son.”

 

“I will.” Fíli stood up again. “Anyway, let’s change the subject. It’s supposed to be a good day, me moving back in and all that.”

 

They did. Kíli and Dis launched into a small debate about the necessity of table cloths; Kíli didn’t have one, and Dis wanted to buy one for them as a moving in present for Fíli. Fíli wisely declined to offer an opinion, as did Bofur.

 

*

 

After they had helped with the washing up, Dis and Bofur left, leaving Fili and Kili alone in their flat. Bofur had taken the beer and the crisps while Dis took the biscuits; Kíli had decided to only drink beer and have crisps, peanuts, or sweets when he went out somewhere. Fíli had promised not to have any biscuits or pistachios (for which he had developed a weakness) at home. Both had approached that conversation very carefully and were surprised at how smoothly it had gone. 

It felt strange to Fíli to call this space home again. On the one hand, it felt like he had moved out only yesterday, but on the other, he wasn’t sure they were truly ready for this step. He wanted them to be ready, because he wanted to be with Kíli all the time for the rest of his life, but if he tried to think about it more rationally, it all seemed rushed. But it was too late for second thoughts now; he was here with Kíli, and Kíli was happily rearranging the objects on the mantelpiece now, so as to give Fíli a more prominent space for his own belongings.

 

He just hoped that they’d survived his mother’s visit, which would be another big test for their relationship. But if they could survive that level of toxicity around them, then Fíli knew they were ready for everything.

 

Determined to make it work, Fíli stepped behind Kíli and put his arms around him. Kíli immediately turned around in his embrace, pressing an eager kiss on Fíli’s forehead.

“I’m so happy you’re really here!”

 

“Me too.” What else could he say? He was a bit worried that this might turn out to be the wrong decision, but it would be unfair to voice that now. And he had always liked living with Kíli, so he was actually happy to be there.

 

Kíli beamed.“Should we rearrange the furniture?”

 

Fíli blinked. “Should we do what?”

 

“Well, I rearranged it with Tauriel after you moved out, so it seems like we should rearrange it again now you’re back. What do you think? Where should the table go?”

 

“I’m really not fussed.”

 

“Come on!” Kíli let go of Fíli and contemplated the living room. 

 

They ended up with everything nearly like it had been when Fíli first moved in, only that they switched the place of the TV and the DVD shelf. The table was back at the window, which admittedly was a bit better, as that way they got some sun while they had breakfast on the rare days that the sun graced Dublin in the morning.

 

They then went to lay down after all that hard work, although that soon turned into more and Fíli found himself spooned against Kíli, Kíli’s favourite position for slow, lazy sex. Their hands were intertwined, resting on Fíli’s chest, Kíli was nuzzling Fíli’s neck while he was almost leisurely moving in and out of Fíli. There was no rush; they were in their own home now, and they had no plans for this night other than sex -- and perhaps at some point heating up the leftover stew. And then of course going to bed together, and holding each other, knowing they could do that every night. 

 

Fíli found it difficult to sleep; he just wanted to admire Kíli next to him all night. It was a thought that made Kíli laugh when he voiced it, as he let his thumb rub against the stubble on Kíli’s jaw. Despite his reservations over the timing of this decision, Fíli really was happy to be back.

 

*

 

Fíli called his mother on Sunday in the evening, which meant it was actually Monday morning in Auckland. It was the coward’s way out; his mother did have a job, so the phone call wouldn’t be too long. He just hadn’t wanted to spoil his entire Sunday.

 

He had sent Kíli to the pub to have a pint with Gimli so he wouldn’t have to worry about what Kíli heard, and Kíli wouldn’t have to feel silly sitting around while Fíli argued with his mother.

 

The whole thing went about as bad as he had expected.

 

“A hotel? You just told me you moved back into the flat with Kíli, and I know you had enough space to host Dori AND Ori! Surely nobody can be more important than your own mother? Who’s staying in these rooms?”

 

“No one.”

 

“Why would I pay for a hotel then? Are you _that_ ashamed of Kíli?”

 

 _“I’m_ paying! And I’m not! He’s…”

 

“So he’s too ashamed to meet _me,_ eh? What’s this about, Fíli? I didn’t bring you up to be this discourteous to your mother! What did I do to deserve a son who won’t even let his mother into his home?”

 

She clearly meant to go on, but Fíli cut her off. “You’ve insulted my boyfriend.”

 

“I what?”

 

“All you’ve ever said about him, since I got together with him, was that he’s too fat.”

 

“It’s hardly my fault that he doesn’t have enough willpower to lose weight! If he cared about his health at all …”

 

“If you cared about _your_ health, Mum, then you’d keep your nose out of other people’s business, that’s messing you up! Kíli’s weight is none of your concern, and nor is his health.”

 

“My own son’s boyfriend is none of my concern? I--”

 

Fíli cut her off once more. “And Dis has said that if you even make the most veiled insult to her son, you’re going to be kicked out of the wedding.”

 

“Oh, so you’ve even turned my sister-in-law against me?” Her voice was choked with tears now, real or faked was impossible to tell for Fíli. “I’ve been a good wife to her brother, but they already resent me because Frerin moved to New Zealand for me, and now this! Of course she can’t see her own son’s faults, she’s always been a bit simple, but surely, if she cares about him, she must want him to lose the weight?”

 

“We all care about Kíli. We care a lot. About him, not his weight!” It was a good thing this wasn’t a video call, so she couldn’t see him tearing at his own hair. 

 

There was a slight pause, and then she said in a more composed tone: “You should have never left New Zealand.”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t recognize you, Fíli, they’ve all turned you against me, and…” She paused for a sob that Fíli was convinced was designed to make him feel guilty. “This is not over, Fíli. You won’t make me cancel my flight, I’m going to come, and I will see you. I need to go to work now, but we _will_ talk about this again.”

 

She ended the call, relieving Fíli of the need to find the right words. He was inclined to bash his head against the wall.

 

This had only made it worse. Now his mother would arrive in Ireland with the conviction that Dis, Thorin, and Kili were her enemies who had stolen her son.

 

He sent Kíli a quick message to tell him that he had finished his phone call, then he called Dis to warn her in case his mother was angry enough to either call or email Dis about this. The last shreds of his loyalty to his mother, and a bit of cowardice, made him omit the bit where his mother had called Dis simple.

 

“We can’t tell Kíli she went on about his health again,” he said, after Dis had calmed down a bit. “He’s just about managed to make peace with his body, and that has actually helped him eat healthier, so I don’t want to upset him.”

 

Dis agreed, and Fíli wanted to say more, but just then he heard a key turn in the door and he ended the call.

 

He met Kíli in the hallway and gave him a very edited summary of the call, which was enough to make Kíli draw him into a tight hug.

 

“I’m sorry I ever said she should come.” Kíli actually sounded contrite. “I thought it would be miserable for you if your mother wasn’t there, but this makes it so much worse.”

 

“Hm.” Fíli rested his forehead on Kíli’s shoulder. “It’s not only about me, it’s also that Thorin and Bilbo deserve a great wedding and I’d never forgive myself if my mum ruined it.”

 

“They were the ones who invited her.”

 

“They wouldn’t have, if I had told them what my mum is really like.” Fíli reluctantly broke away from the hug. “I just hoped that somehow she would be nice. I’m stupid.”

 

“Has she ruined any weddings before?”

 

“Not that I know of. But there’s a first time for everything. She actually wasn’t this bad when my dad was still alive, she was much happier back then, less bitter. She’s lonely. I told you, after Dad died, I blamed her for a few years. Then I started to study, and I was way more interested in parties and hookups than spending time with my mum, and I moved out fairly early.”

 

Kíli frowned, one hand resting on Fíli’s waist. “Are you blaming yourself for your mother’s bitchiness?”

 

“Sort of.” Fíli raked through his hair. “I should have noticed that she was lonely and visited more often, and I never should have blamed her for Dad’s death. And I also should have been more fucking honest before she was invited to the wedding, and because I wasn’t, now she’s going to ruin Thorin’s wedding, and …”

 

Kíli grabbed Fíli’s shoulder hard enough for him to stop. “Love. You’re talking yourself into a panic attack.”

 

“Sorry.” Fíli took a deep breath. “Anyway, I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Right now, just relax.” Kíli pulled him into a hug again and rubbed his back soothingly. Now that Fíli tried to relax, he began to notice the faint smell of beer on Kíli’s clothes from the pub, but Kíli was totally sober.

 

“Let’s get to bed,” Kíli suggested now. “Work tomorrow, and before we sleep I’ll cuddle all that tension out of you.”

 

That thought made Fíli laugh. Of course Kíli couldn’t cuddle all the anxiety about his mother’s visit out of Fíli, but cuddling was good anyway.

 

***

 

They fell into an easy routine quickly, just like they had when Fíli moved to Ireland. Only this time, they were actually active together. Monday evening, after work, they went to the fitness studio together. There, they found an advert for archery practice and, remembering that Kíli used to do archery before he focused on Gaelic football, Fíli suggested that they’d sign up for it. Wednesday they both managed to leave work a bit earlier and went swimming together. They also had their meals together and mostly, Fíli let Kíli decide what they’d have. Kíli was trying to lose a bit more weight, and he knew best how he wanted to accomplish that.

 

His mother had called again on Tuesday, briefly, after which Fíli panicked again for a moment. Kíli told him that if his mother was lonely, then it was her job to remedy that, not her son’s. Fíli knew that, but part of him still felt responsible for his mother.

 

*

 

That Saturday, they were invited to have dinner at Tauriel and Legolas’ place. Fíli didn’t have much time to worry about that, he spent most of Friday and Saturday in the fields; they had begun harvesting. He only began to feel slightly self-conscious when he went through his wardrobe that evening; both Tauriel and Legolas always looked as if they’d just walked out of a fashion catalogue, and he didn’t have many nice clothes. He settled for his black jeans and a white shirt, plus a light blue cardigan. Kíli decided he looked gorgeous, and could they please go already? Kíli himself had, of course, plenty of nice trousers and shirts thanks to his job. He looked a bit like a model himself, with his burgundy jacket over a dark blue shirt.

 

Of course, Legolas and Tauriel looked immaculate that evening, and their flat as if arranged for a feature on modern living - with a nature theme. Legolas as well as Tauriel clearly loved forests, there were a couple of tasteful pictures on the walls and arrangements of what looked like dead, beautifully shaped twigs in vases. It was enough to make Fíli a bit ill at ease, even though Tauriel was friendlier this time around and greeted Fíli politely.

 

Legolas asked how the harvesting went, and then they got a bit more into the work of Legolas’ family. His father, though both Tauriel and Kíli pulled a face when he was mentioned, dedicated much of his time and much of his family’s inherited wealth into renaturation of contaminated land. Legolas, who had been in the army, was currently doing a phd and hoped to join the efforts. 

 

Fíli didn’t notice that he hadn’t actually eaten much until Tauriel asked him if he didn’t like it. Of course he did, but he had liked the conversation much better. He didn’t know why he and Legolas had never talked like this before. It wasn’t like they had never had drinks with Tauriel and Legolas before, but somehow Legolas had always been more of a background figure.

 

After dinner, Tauriel finally managed to get Fíli alone. “You better not hurt him again,” she simply said.

 

Fíli could have pointed out that she had hurt Kíli too when she had broken up with him; they had lived together as well. Instead, he just shrugged. “I’m not planning to.”

 

“I mean it.” Tauriel bit her lip. “It might seem weird, but he’s like the only family I have, and I want to see him happy.”

 

“So do I.”

 

Fíli had meant to say more, but Kíli returned then and the topic changed again. Fíli went into the kitchen to see if Legolas needed help. He didn’t, but the two of them had a drink there, talking a bit more about phds and running trials and destroyed data.

 

When they left, Kíli turned to him with one quirked eyebrow. “Should I be jealous?”

 

Fíli laughed. “Of Legolas? Hardly. I just enjoyed talking to him.”

 

“You can’t talk to me like that, I don’t know even half of this stuff.”

 

Fíli scratched his neck. This seemed to go slightly deeper. “I don’t know much about what you do at Erebor.”

 

“I’m as passionate about my job as you’re about yours. I’m more into sports, and you share that passion.”

 

The evening was quite mild, and they had decided to walk home rather than take the bus, so Fíli felt a bit more comfortable having this conversation. “It’s not like we find nothing to talk about, right? You’re my boyfriend, not my colleague.”

 

“I know.” Kíli shrugged. “I guess Tauriel and me felt a bit left out, but it was also nice to see you so much in your element.”

 

“I’m very much in my element with you, too. And I feel like that sometimes when you talk to your old GAA mates, or talk to Tauriel about the GAA. You’re so enthusiastic, and I don’t even know half the names, and I only just got the hang out of Gaelic football and hurling. I’m more into rugby. We just can’t expect to share every interest.”

 

“True.” Kíli smiled again. “I’m still so happy you moved in. Like, we’ve just had dinner with friends, and now we’re walking home together again.”

 

“Yeah, that’s good.”

On a Saturday night, with many drunk people about, he didn’t dare to take Kíli’s hand in public, but they smiled at each other, and the knowledge that yes, he would be holding Kíli in his arms tonight, and that he would do so every night, made him feel happy despite that.

 

*

 

Sunday, he talked to Dis and Bofur in the kitchen, who both also told him that it hadn’t been his responsibility as a grieving adolescent and young man, who was discovering his sexuality, to also take care of his mother’s social needs. It made Fíli feel slightly guilty how much more it helped to hear it from Dis, a mother who was very conservative, but who had also seen her brother and her son struggle with their attraction to men. Kíli had said much the same thing, but it had somehow had less weight.

 

Dis also said, that she had contemplating sending Dot, Fíli’s mother, an email telling her she was uninvited, but had decided against it. She felt that if Dot was willing to spend more than half a month’s salary on the flight and take a week of unpaid leave to be able to spend two weeks in Ireland, despite her son having made his reluctance to receive her clear, nothing would stop her. And of course, she was Frerin’s widow. Dis was just too old-fashioned to cut the widow of her brother, and the mother of her son’s boyfriend from the family.

 

*

 

Two weeks later, the day of his mother’s arrival had come. Until the last moment, Fíli had hoped that something would happen to prevent his mother from boarding the plane, maybe a change of heart, maybe she’d suddenly be ill… nothing bad, of course, but bad enough to make the idea of flying for 28 hours seem a bit too daunting. But no, he got a message telling him that she had checked in, and then a message from Doha, where she had to change, as if nothing had happened at all.

 

So he stood in the arrivals lobby of Dublin airport. Alone. Everybody had agreed that it would best, even though Kíli, Dis, and Bofur had all offered to come with him if he didn’t want to be alone. So after joining the phd students and the students helping with the harvesting in the morning, he went back home just after lunch, changed, and took Dis’ car to pick up his mother.

 

As he was waiting and watching completely ordinary people file by, he told himself that he was probably making a mountain out of a molehill. During the past few months, his mother had grown into a dragon in his imagination. He made himself remember February, when he had visited Auckland and they had actually gotten along well enough.

 

His heart still froze for a moment when he spotted her coming out of the gate. She looked perfectly harmless; wheat blond hair, like Fíli himself, put in a plait, so skinny she looked frail, and a head smaller than Fíli. He managed to put on a smile just moments before she spotted him. He straightened his shoulders and walked towards her to take her suitcase, and she gave him a wan smile and, once he bent down, a kiss on the cheek.

 

“How nice of you to pick me up. Did you have to take the day off work?”

 

“No worries.” Of course it was inconvenient to take half a day off just at the end of harvesting, but that wasn’t his mother fault. She hadn’t set the date for the wedding. “I’ll have to work tomorrow though, we’re not done harvesting yet, but we hope to be done tomorrow afternoon.”

 

“Well, I expect I’ll be exhausted tomorrow from the flight.”

 

“If you’re not and don’t fancy sight-seeing alone, give me a ring and you can come to the field with me,” Fíli offered, fervently hoping that she’d need the day to adjust. “Was the flight very bad?”

 

She pulled a face as if she’d bitten into a lemon.

 

“Too long, and all these people with their screaming babies! And once the babies stopped their hysterics, the fat guy in front of me started snoring. I didn’t sleep a wink! The rudeness of some people! I tried to wake that man, but of course, he didn’t budge. I thought after Doha, maybe there would be some peace and quiet, but no, would you believe it? A mother with the most unruly children sat right in front of me, and they were playing games all the way to Dublin with no thought of the other passengers who might wish to get some rest. But of course it’s worth it to see my son in good health.”

 

“Well, you can relax now. The wedding is only in two days, after all.”

 

“I rather hoped I’d see Kíli before then. Don’t you think such a big wedding is the wrong setting to meet him as your boyfriend?”

 

“We’re going to take you out for dinner tomorrow night, if you’re up for it. Kíli’s booked a table at the Winding Stair, we’ve got a table with a view over the river.”

 

She smiled, and patted his arm. “That sounds lovely. I hope the food is not too fatty, you know my stomach is so sensitive.”

 

Fíli grit his teeth. “They’ve got loads of fish, I’m sure you’ll find something.”

 

They had made it to the car by now, and Fíli opened the door for his mother before he put the suitcase in the back, taking a moment to take a deep breath. It wasn’t too bad so far.

 

Back in the car, he concentrated on the traffic and tuned his mother out. He didn’t have a lot of experience with driving; he drove to the fields with university vehicles often enough, but negotiating the way from the airport to his mother’s hotel was more challenging. She was exhausted, and soon stopped talking anyway.

 

The check-in at the hotel was done quickly; Fíli and Kíli had paid for the room in advance, and once his mother had settled in, it was easy to excuse himself on the grounds of letting her sleep.

 

Back in the car, however, he took several moments to breathe, forcing himself to relax. And calling Kíli to tell him his mother was in the hotel. Talking to Kíli helped calm him.

 

Only one and a half days to go until the wedding, now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter! Fíli's mother is not easy to write for me. I hope the next two chapters will also be up soon :)


	13. Harvest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli and Dot meet, Thorin and Bilbo marry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, Khafushun did a tremendous job at editing this and making this so much better than it would otherwise be. Thank you!

The day before the wedding, Kíli spent most of the day at his family’s house, going over the plans for the ceremony with Thorin, Bilbo, Dis, Dwalin and Drogo, Bilbo’s cousin and best friend. It was the first time Kíli had met Drogo and Primula, whom he had only corresponded with via email so far, but they clicked immediately, and he was confident that the ceremony would go well. He had already met Frodo, their son, when he and Fíli had gone to Fíli’s old flat for a movie night the previous weekend.

 

Thorin and Bilbo’s official marriage would take place in November, but for this big celebration, they had come up with their own ceremony. Which they now needed to go over again, and again, and again. Despite the fretting of Bilbo, Thorin, and Dis, Kíli had a good day joking with Drogo and Frodo, and almost forgot about dinner with Dot that evening.

 

Fíli was harvesting that day, and Kíli could only hope that he would be back in time to pick up his mother. Kíli had offered to pick her up on his own if Fíli couldn’t make it back in time, but truth to be told, he dreaded that possibility. He was usually good with people, but his confidence in this area was undermined by the knowledge that Fíli’s mother did not like him. So he breathed a sigh of relief when he got a message from Fíli at four thirty that they were almost back in Dublin.

 

At home he had trouble deciding whether he should wear something that made him appear slimmer, or if he should wear something that emphasized his weight just to show Dot that he didn’t care about her opinion. In the end, he decided not to change at all; he was actually feeling quite comfortable in what he was wearing, and he would need to spend the entire next day in a suit.

 

Fíli arrived soon after and headed straight to the bedroom to change; he could hardly take his mother to a restaurant in a shirt that was full of bits of wheat kernels and chaff. Kíli made some tea for them while Fíli busied himself in the bedroom; it was never a good idea to bother Fíli when he was stressed. But he relaxed once he came to the kitchen to pick up his cup of tea, and gave Kíli a hug and a kiss on the cheek before he grabbed his mug.

 

“Ready to face the dragon?” he asked, with a hint of his usual smirk around the corners of his lips before he took his first sip..

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

“Great.” Fíli took Kíli’s hand in one of his and squeezed it. “Thank you for having dinner with us tonight.”

 

“How could I miss it? She’s your mother,” Kíli pointed out, smiling.

 

“Still, I appreciate it.”

 

Fíli put his tea down to put his arms around Kíli’s waist, so Kíli put his own cup down to kiss Fíli again. He couldn’t deny that it felt good to know that Fíli didn’t take his readiness to see Dot for granted.

 

*

 

As they stood in front of the hotel, they both took a deep breath before entering the lobby. Kíli recognized Dot immediately; she hadn’t changed a bit since he had last seen her, and it was hard to reconcile the nice woman he had met in New Zealand some years ago with the toxic, bitter woman Fíli had described. She put down the newspaper she had been reading and stood when they approached, putting her hands on Fíli’s shoulders and balancing on her toes to kiss his cheek. Then she turned to Kíli, quickly measuring him with her eyes, before she held out her hand.

 

“Ah Kíli, I hardly recognized you.” Dot smiled, while Kíli just nodded and shook her hand. “And yet it seems like it was just yesterday that you came to visit us in Auckland.”

 

“That was seven years ago.” Kíli smiled back.

 

“Ah yes, times do change, don’t they.”

 

The way she glanced at his belly was unmistakable, but Kíli did his best to ignore it. Fíli was already getting wound up.

 

“Mum, we’ll have time to reminisce later, we need to get to the restaurant; we booked the table for seven.”

 

“Well, it’s hardly my fault if you didn’t leave enough time for the walk there, dear.” She patted her son’s arm. “You always were one for doing everything at the last minute.”

 

“It’s called having good time management.” Fíli managed a small smile, even if it was very forced. “That’s how I was able to finish the harvest in time today.”

 

“Wonderful. So we can just enjoy dinner tonight.”

 

“Exactly. Anyway, I hope you’ve had a good day?”

 

“Oh, I’m not used to this jetlag, so of course I was exhausted yesterday after I couldn’t sleep on the plane. But I still woke up early this morning: you know me, I always wake up at the same time every day, I never was one for sleeping in and idleness, and my body just wouldn’t understand that I’m in a different time zone, and on holidays. But I did my best to get up at eight, you have told me how important it is to immediately adjust to new time zones. You see, I do listen to you.” Her smile was more sincere now, but Kíli still did his best to tag unobtrusively behind the two of them as Dot went on. “After lunch I felt up for some sightseeing and walked around the centre a bit. The exercise did me a world of good.”

 

“Glad to hear it, Mum.” Fíli then managed to steer the conversations towards the sights she had seen, a topic that lasted even while they made it to the restaurant, climbed up the eponymous walking stair, and were led to their table.

 

Once they had their menus, Dot kept making comments on how they needed to watch what they ate, as they were sure to be stuffed the next day, and insisted that Kíli only order a salad. But Kíli’s spirit of rebellion was roused, and he ordered the largest dish he found on the menu. 

 

Fíli forced the subject to the wedding the next day; it was a bit outside of Dublin, and the plan was that Kíli and Fíli would pick up Dot. So they needed to arrange a time to reconvene in the morning, and Fíli also made sure to go through the entire itinerary again. Fíli was high-strung and noticeably close to snapping, but Dot kept smiling and making the occasional veiled insult while Kíli just did his best to be polite and pretend he was too stupid to understand any comment she made. The food was actually good, but he couldn’t finish his plate -- not even to rile Dot.

 

*

 

After they dropped her off at the hotel again, Fíli heaved a deep sigh and put an arm around Kíli as they walked towards home.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

“Relax.” Kíli managed a smile. “It wasn’t as bad as I anticipated; there was no yelling, and she didn’t directly insult me, so I’ll take that as a good sign.”

 

“I guess.” Fíli sighed again and pulled his arm off Kíli to bury his hands in his pockets. “But Jesus, that was exhausting. I’m not sure I can keep that up the entire day tomorrow.”

 

“Let’s hope she’ll find someone she can talk to,” Kíli still tried to be cheerful. “Like, the one cousin from my grandmother’s side who is actually showing up for this gay wedding.”

 

None of the others from that side of the family had even replied to the invitation, but they hadn’t expected them to; that side of the family was ultraconservative and Kíli knew they had voted no in the referendum. That Daisy was going to show up was unexpected.

 

“I hope so. Are there any other bitter old people we could foist her onto?”

 

“Nobody bitter, I think, but now that you mention it, one of the assistants from Erebor, is a bit of a health freak, maybe we can make sure they find each other in a dark corner where they can mouth off about me, Bilbo, Ori …”

 

“And it doesn’t bother you?”

 

Kíli took a moment to reflect on the question. “Less than I expected, to be honest. I mean, having somebody watch every bite I take is not pleasant, and her looking at my body like she’s cataloguing every single gram of fat is not pleasant, but …” he shrugged. “I guess I was prepared.”

 

“Good.” Fíli kicked at an empty soda can that rolled over the footpath. “Shit. Why can’t I have a mother who appreciates what a brilliant boyfriend I’ve got?”

 

Kíli had to laugh, even though he knew Fíli was not in the mood for jokes. “I’m glad you think I’m brilliant.”

 

“Of course I do.” Fíli grumbled. “Just … shit. It’s 2015, I live on the other side of the world, but part of me would still like my mother’s approval. Shit.”

 

Kíli was silent for the rest of the walk back, feeling it was better to let Fíli brood in silence for a while.

 

 

It was too late for tea by the time they got back, so they both just had a glass of water in the kitchen. Kíli took Fíli’s free hand and squeezed it.

 

“Feel better?”

 

“A bit. Sorry.” Fíli raked a hand through his hair. “It’s just that your family has always been so nice to me, and my mother treats you like shit. It’s just unfair to you. Mum loves me, but she’s becoming such a bitch. I want to have a mum like Dis, who’s just so nice.”

 

“She is quite brilliant to have as a mother, despite her flaws,” Kíli agreed. “But let’s be honest here, compared to my dad, your mother’s still good. I mean, at least she still wants to be in your life.”

 

He had to laugh when Fíli’s eyes widened in sudden realisation. Thorin stood in as a father figure so well that most people didn’t even realise that Dis had, at some point in the eighties, been married to a different man who had actually fathered her son. Kíli saw that Fíli was at a loss, and squeezed his hand again.

 

“Don’t worry. I told you before, I’m long over the fact that he practically abandoned me. When I was younger, I sort of hoped that if I won the Gaelic football championship, he’d be proud and want to get to know me, but that didn’t happen. In fact, I remember saying to Thorin once, more than ten years ago I think, that maybe my dad didn’t love me because there was something wrong with me, and Thorin got so angry! Not at me, of course, but I was still scared by the hatred on his face when he said that my father didn’t know anything, and that it was a miracle that a man like that had such a good man as his son.” He suddenly laughed. “It was the highest praise I’ve ever received from Thorin.”

 

It was more than he had ever said on that topic to Fíli, but it helped Fíli to see that he was not the only one with a less than perfect parent. “Anyway, you see, Mam and Thorin certainly won’t think any worse of you no matter what Dot is going to say or do. You can stop feeling so responsible for her.”

“I’ll try.” Fíli downed the rest of his glass of water and put it down on the counter with some force. “Let’s turn in now, I’m knackered. Harvesting and dinner with mum on one day was not the ideal program before the big day tomorrow.”

 

Kíli put his arm around Fíli and pulled him a little closer.

 

“But you finished harvesting! And you’re going to have good data! So you can relax about that!”

 

Fíli chuckled. “True.” He let himself sink against Kíli. “I also double checked every single label. And I’m going to check the shelves before we put anything on them next week.”

 

“See? It’s going to be a grand party tomorrow! And maybe you can mention that this year saw a good harvest, which is a good omen for the marriage.”

 

“Right. Because that’s not cheesy at all.”

 

“Not cheesier than Thorin picking a date in September because it actually used to be an Irish tradition to marry at the end of harvest time, a time of plenty.”

 

“I’m still not going to upset the program by doing an unscheduled speech.”

 

“True.” Kíli kissed Fíli’s hair. “Maybe I can find a way to work it in.”

 

***

 

The next morning, once they were dressed, Fíli called his mother at the hotel. She, of course, wasn’t anywhere near ready yet, and told Fíli she didn’t want any lunch anyway; the plan had originally been for them to share a quick, light lunch at the hotel where the wedding would take place while Kíli helped with the last preparations. So, they drove to Dot’s hotel to wait for her in the lobby. After fifteen minutes, Fíli got impatient and went up to his mother’s room.

 

She opened the door for him when he knocked and looked, to him, almost ready. She however told him that her make-up was nowhere near done.

 

“I’m so sorry, dear, I’m still so jetlagged, I’m just slower than usual because I’m so sleepy.”

 

Fíli dared to laugh a little. “I know, I’m no better with jetlag. You look great. Do you think you could finish your make-up and hair there? I’m sure the rooms will be ready, and that way Kíli wouldn’t be rushed.”

 

“Why would Kíli be rushed?”

 

“He needs to help setting up the area where they’ll do the ceremony.”

His mother heaved a sigh. “I suppose I could,” she conceded. “It seems very peculiar though. It’s not a religious ceremony, is it?”

 

“Good luck trying to find a priest marrying a gay couple,” Fíli said drily. “That’s never been an option. But they want a commitment ceremony. I think it’s going to be beautiful.”

 

They might have found a priest, of course, but even Dis conceded that it would be too much hassle; just a few months after the referendum that the Catholic Church violently opposed, she didn’t want to bring any priest she personally knew into a difficult situation, because it didn’t matter much to Thorin or Bilbo.

 

But Dot didn’t need to know any of that. “Well, I’ll reserve my judgement,” she said, eyes narrowed as if she were already scrutinizing the ceremony before it could even begin. “It still seems peculiar to call it a wedding when there’s no priest and no registration involved, though.”

 

Fíli didn’t answer because she was finally packing up her make-up bag, her hair stuff, and her hat, a tasteful fascinator, in a little overnight bag. He didn’t want to endanger their speedy departure, so he took the bag and walked her down to the lobby. 

 

They had decided to pay for the extra night that she wouldn’t actually spend at this hotel. It was expensive, but a convenience they were able to afford. His mother still complained about it and told Fíli that this waste of money could have been so easily avoided, had he been more reasonable and let her stay with him. But she shut up when they were in the lobby and Kíli stood up from the chair he had been waiting in, which Fíli considered a very good sign.

 

During the drive to the hotel, Kíli entertained Dot with stories about the history of Dublin and she told them about her first (and only) visit to Dublin with Frerin. It only took them an hour to get to the hotel, and with Fíli, who was driving, occasionally bringing up memories of his father too, the drive seemed even quicker.

 

When they walked from the parking lot to the lobby, they passed Bilbo and Thorin, who were posing for pictures under a tree, and waved at them.

 

*

 

In the lobby, Dwalin and Ori were just checking in. They were still such an odd couple, shy little Ori and big scary Dwalin. But they looked happy, at least until they turned around and saw Dot. Ori’s eyes widened almost comically and he stepped closer to Dwalin. But then he recovered, and smiled at them, as did Dwalin, although his smile was accompanied by a fierce scowl. Fíli gave Ori a quick hug, and Kíli hugged Dwalin. Standing between Fíli and Dwalin, Ori managed to smile at Fíli’s mother and say, “Hello” with passable confidence.

 

Once settled in their rooms, Fíli suggested a walk around the hotel park to his mother; she refused because she was wearing high heels, and told him to wait for her in the hotel bar while she finished getting ready. There, Fíli met Dwalin and Ori. He suspected that quite a few of the other people there were also guests at the wedding, but he didn’t know any of them. Until Frodo ambled in; they had met briefly when Fíli came over to watch a film with Faramir. 

Frodo seemed relieved to know anyone, who wasn’t “a stuffy old aunt going on about my haircut”. Fíli gave him fair warning that they were to be joined by his mother, but that didn’t seem to count.

 

When Dot joined them, she remarked that Ori had lost weight, in response to which he mumbled something about cooking for himself and going rock climbing with Dwalin. As usual, she didn’t notice how shy and reluctant Ori was. Dwalin and Fíli did, however, manage to field some of her questions, and they were mostly harmless, if Fíli was honest. 

He hoped that Ori realised that all the questions about Dori missing Ori and what Ori missed in England were aimed at Fíli, who had left his mother. It was actually good to have an outsider, Frodo, who didn’t get any of the subtext, and soon changed the conversation to the topic of life in New Zealand.

 

When Frodo said he was thinking about taking a working holiday to New Zealand after his internship in Ireland, Dot immediately offered him a room to stay in between jobs, or if he just wanted to see Auckland. She had always had a generous side despite her general disdain for the majority of the human race. All of Fíli’s friends had always been welcome to stay, even when he was away. He assumed his mother had overestimated his acquaintance with Frodo.

 

***

 

At four o’clock they were all in the hotel’s large garden, where the commitment ceremony would take place. Fíli and his mother sat in the first row, along with Bofur, Bifur, Balin, his wife Moira, and Ori. Kíli stood, handsome as ever, on a little platform, and behind him Dis, Dwalin, Drogo and Primula. There were two microphones there, and a beautiful arch, decorated with red and white roses and little horseshoes and bells.

The son of one of the HR managers at Erebor was playing on a piano, accompanied by two of his friends on the cello and the flute. After they had played two beautiful pieces, Thorin and Bilbo walked down the garden path towards the platform hand-in-hand, preceded by two wide-eyed little nieces of Bilbo’s, who threw rose petals.

 

Kíli gave a little speech, summarising Thorin and Bilbo’s commitment and telling the story of how Fíli and he had played their part in bringing the happy couple together, which elicited some clapping and cheers. Then Dis spoke about her brother’s dedication as a surrogate father to Kíli and his stellar qualities as a life partner, such as loyalty, perseverance, patience, and reliability. Drogo and Primula both said similar things about Bilbo, about the happiness he had found in Ireland and in Thorin, and the qualities that made him their favourite cousin, but also made him a good husband to a good man like Thorin.

 

While the band played another piece of music Fíli didn’t recognize, his eyes were fixed on Kíli, who stood there beaming at his happy uncle, and he thought that all this might be said about Kíli and him as partners. Kíli had all those qualities too; he was loyal, he was reliable, and he was patient when Fíli was difficult.

 

Then Dwalin produced the rings and announced that Thorin and Bilbo had written vows to each other.

 

Both recited their vows by heart, promising to be faithful to each other no matter what life was going to throw at them. Thorin added that the first time he saw Bilbo, he knew that he was the most beautiful, the most remarkable man in the world. Bilbo, cheeky as usual, said that while he first thought of Thorin as a grumpy old bear, he soon came to realise that his life would be considerably emptier without that grumpy bear, and that he was looking forward to spending as many years as possible as his husband.

 

Fíli had to pass some tissues to Balin, Moira, and Ori, and he also heard Bofur sniffle through his whispered translation for Bifur. And Fíli wondered why he himself was so touched; he had never been a fan of cheesy love declarations, certainly not in public, but the earnestness of his uncle and Bilbo, and the love that radiated from them, touched something deep inside him, and while he watched Thorin and Bilbo perform a handfasting ceremony, he pictured Kíli and himself in their place, promising each other to always stick together.

 

Once the handfasting and the exchange of rings was over, Kíli announced that some drinks were about to be served in the garden, before dinner started. Some guests rushed to grab a drink, parched because they had teared up or were bored. Others, like Fíli, formed a line to congratulate the couple. Fíli was first and hugged both of them, before he hugged Kíli. The whole ceremony had made him think about their relationship, naturally, and their commitment to each other. Kíli was still very emotional, and kept his arm around Fíli when he said that he needed to greet a few people.

 

While they made their rounds, Fíli lost sight of his mother. He was unsure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. The same band that had played during the ceremony was entertaining them with some more music, and everybody had some time to mingle while coffee, tea, and juice was served.

 

He was introduced to some of Kíli’s workmates, but Fíli also kept scanning the area to check on his mother. Finally, he spotted her at the side of the room, talking to Balin. He had forgotten that she would also vaguely know Balin.

 

They seemed to be okay, so he followed Kíli into the big hall, where they would have dinner and dance later; Kíli had to check the sound system and the beamer. Speeches and presentations were inevitable.

 

*

 

At dinner, Fíli was sitting between his mother and Kíli, diagonally opposite a beaming Thorin, who for once had a smile for everyone. It was hard to worry about his mother’s behaviour when he saw Thorin and Bilbo so happy. The meal passed without an incident; there were speeches between every course, and all the discussion, such as there was, was about the food and the ceremony, and those who were married compared the wedding to their own. 

The whole atmosphere was so incredibly traditional, it was hard to remember that for most people here, the idea of two men marrying must at some point in their life, maybe until quite recently, have been unthinkable. 

 

It made him feel hopeful that one day, when he went to conference dinners or made small talk with colleagues from other departments, he wouldn’t feel the need to carefully talk about his “partner” without using pronouns, and generally avoid his private life altogether.

 

But of course when he married Kíli, their wedding would be a bit more modern.

 

Desserts were served on a buffet, and after Thorin and Bilbo cut the cake, everybody mingled, now free from their seating arrangements. This led into drinks being served right next to the dessert buffet. Fíli and Kíli took the opportunity to talk some more with Frodo and to catch up with Ori. Kíli was warming up a little to him, now that Dwalin was inspiring some confidence in the shy little man. But when Dis walked onto the dance floor, which was empty so far, they happened to stand with Fíli’s mother.

 

Dis took a a little microphone to announce that Thorin and Bilbo would now have their first wedding dance. Everyone hushed, while Thorin and Bilbo slowly started to dance. There had been some discussion about this dance, and a lot of dance lessons that Thorin and Bilbo took, but at the end of the day, neither of them was particularly skilled, so they kept it simple.

 

“Didn’t Bilbo go on a diet before this?” Dot asked in a stage whisper, once the dance was over and more couples had joined Thorin and Bilbo. Fíli exhaled sharply.

 

“Not that I know of, no.”

 

“Why did you not tell him to?”

 

“Mum!”

 

“I’m just saying! It would have been a kindness! Think of all the wedding pictures, and the videos -- he’s going to look fat in all of them, and this is supposed to be a happy day, how can anybody be happy to look at pictures like that?”

 

“He’s going to see how happy he was today,” Fíli protested. “And Thorin thinks he’s beautiful!”

 

“Oh honey.” Dot shook her head. “He might be able to overlook it for …”

 

“No,” Fíli cut her off. “He’s not overlooking anything. He loves Bilbo as he is.”

 

“Oh, of course you need to say that, with Kíli here, and I don’t doubt that you love him very much -”

 

“I’ve been saying the same thing in private with you.” By now, Fíli was barely able open his mouth enough to speak. It was either clenching his jaw, or shouting.

 

“It’s just such a shame,” Dot continued. “I’m sure Bilbo would be quite handsome without that pudge, and Kíli, well he was so beautiful.” She smiled at Kíli, as if this was a totally non-offensive thing to say. “Even Ori. Maybe he wouldn’t have to content himself with -”

 

Fíli, who had noticed that Dwalin and Ori were within earshot, interrupted her hastily.

 

“Mum, stop it. Kíli is beautiful, Bilbo is handsome, Ori too, and it’s none of your business.”

 

“Really, Fíli, you’re being too sensitive.” Dot clucked, no longer even pretending to lower her voice. “One can’t say anything without you being offended.”

 

“I’m not! You’re just being completely inappropriate!”

 

“If Bilbo does not want people to comment on his weight at his wedding, he could have lost it, no? I’m just stating the obvious. And it would just be a sign of respect for his husband, if he tried to look good!”

 

Fíli was at a loss for words for a moment, and also busy squeezing Kíli’s hand. He didn’t dare look at his boyfriend, sure that some of what his mother said had cut Kíli.

 

Suddenly Dwalin stood before them, with Ori half hidden behind him.

 

“Listen,” he growled. “This is my best friend’s wedding. I will not have that sort of talk here. You want to talk shit about Bilbo, who invited you to his wedding, or about Kíli, your son’s boyfriend, you go somewhere else. You’re not welcome to do that here. Understood?”

 

Dot wasn’t that easily cowed.

 

“This is a free country, and if the truth is too much for some to handle, that is hardly my fault.”

 

“The truth is that you’re a bitter old hag,” Dwalin told her. “The truth is, Bilbo is very happy and very much loved. I very much love my boyfriend, who you also thought fit to include in your remarks earlier. He is happy with me. Your son is very happy again with Kíli. Why Frerin, who was a nice kid, ever married the likes of you, I don’t understand, but I’ll tell you that he’d be very disappointed to know that you attempted to ruin his beloved brother’s wedding.”

 

“Now, see here …” Dot started, but was interrupted by Dis, who appeared at Dwalin’s side, followed by Bofur and Bifur.

 

“Would you please not cause a commotion,” she said tersely, her knuckles white where she gripped her clutch.

 

Fíli took his mother’s arm. “There won’t be a commotion,” he assured his aunt. “Mum and me are going to take a little walk in the fresh air outside so everyone can cool down, right, Mum?”

 

“Fresh air?” she retorted, her face souring even further. “There are going to be smokers clustered around every door.”

 

But despite her protests, Fíli managed to persuade his mother to leave, insisting that there wouldn’t be as many smokers by the back door. (Though the small army of people against her had undoubtedly swayed her decision as well, Fíli was sure.) The relief that everybody else was feeling as they left was palpable, which had Fíli feeling guilty all over again.

 

He was also a bit worried about Kíli; he did not like leaving him behind like this, but Fíli told himself that Kíli was with his mother and Dwalin, and he didn’t need Fíli hovering around him, poking until any small cut his mother may have made widened.

 

Once they were outside and in private, he said: “Mum, please, can’t you just keep your opinions on other people’s looks to yourself?” When the lines around her mouth tightened, he quickly went on: “Do it for me? Please? I know you’re not happy that I moved here, but I can’t change that. Remember, I didn’t know I’d fall in love with Kíli, I came here because there were no jobs for me in New Zealand. I didn’t do it to spite you.”

 

She didn’t react for a moment, one that stretched too long for Fíli’s nerves, but then she nodded curtly.

 

“I know you didn’t. And all right. It seems wrong that I should need to censor myself, but I’ll do my best. For you. I still think it’s disrespectful to your partner to let yourself go.”

 

There were many things Fíli wanted to say, but he didn’t, too relieved that she had finally agreed to be agreeable.

 

“I’m very happy with Kíli,” he said instead, unable to just let it go completely. He could see her smile in the dim light from the dining hall.

 

“I know, and I’m happy for you. Really. I just wish you’d have found somebody a bit closer to home.”

 

“I’m sure that’s what my grandparents, Thorin, and Dis thought when Dad decided to move to New Zealand for you.”

 

“He would have been so delighted that you found somebody in Ireland. He missed his home so much.” She sighed. “It was so much more difficult to stay in regular contact back then. I’m grateful I can sometimes videochat with you, just to see your face.”

 

He squeezed her arm, and they took another turn through the garden, talking about his father.

 

When they came back in again, he left his mother with Primula, who was a bit worried about her son Frodo planning to go to New Zealand, and went in search of Kíli. He found him, unexpectedly, hopping around the dance floor with Ori. When they spotted Fíli, they both stopped and came up to him. Nobody mentioned what had happened, and soon Fíli was dancing with Kíli and forgetting about that little tiff. 

Just occasionally, he still glanced around to make sure his mother was okay and she wasn’t bothering anyone, but she was always in conversation with someone until, around 11, she approached him again to say she was going to bed. He even gave her hug, much to Kíli’s visible surprise.

 

Well after midnight, when Fíli was rocked in Kíli’s arms as they slow danced, arms tightly around each other, Fíli felt like the king of the world. When the song ended, Kíli whispered:

“Love, we should go to bed; remember, breakfast is only until 10.”

 

Fíli blinked and slowly looked around. There weren’t many people left, just some young relatives.

 

“We should marry too,” he whispered instead of a reply.

 

Kíli stopped dancing altogether.

 

“What? Fíli, how much did you drink?”

 

“Wine with dinner and then some whiskey. Why?”

 

“Because it sounded like you just proposed to me.”

 

“I guess I did.” Fíli bit his lip. The suggestion had just slipped out, but he had meant it.

 

Kíli shook his head, fondness in his eyes. “And you couldn’t find a more romantic place?”

 

“Excuse me, we’re slow dancing at a wedding, surrounded by flower arrangements. How much more romance do you want?” Fíli grinned. Then he swallowed, moving a tiny step away from Kíli to better look into his face. “Are you going to give me an answer?”

 

“Of course I want to marry you,” Kíli said with a mock scowl, before he surged forward and claimed Fíli’s mouth in a fierce kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: First cousins in Ireland can legally marry.  
> Secondly: I'm nearly finished with this story. One chapter to go! (It's already written but not edited so yes, I know it's only one chapter left)  
> Third: I'm sorry for the chapter title, I couldn't think of anything better (you know, Fíli's is harvesting, and they're also sort of harvesting the fruits of their development?)  
> Fourth: I hope you're not too disappointed that there wasn't a huge dramatic scene with Dot at the wedding, I found I couldn't do that to Thorin and Bilbo, they deserved a nice wedding.


	14. The finish line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things come to an end - the final chapter!

They went to bed not long after Fíli’s proposal, both of them just taking off their trousers and jackets and falling asleep with their limbs entwined, feeling light-headed -- and not only from the whiskey they had had.

 

When the alarm rang at 9 o’clock, it was still way too soon, and they both tried to bury themselves deeper into the other.

 

Surprisingly, it was Kíli who disentangled himself first.

 

“Did you really …” he trailed off. “Are we?”

 

“I proposed,” Fíli confirmed, blinking. “While we were dancing at Thorin’s wedding. I reckon I had too much whiskey.”

 

“So …” Kíli’s face became neutral, and Fíli sat up, and grabbed Kíli’s hand.

 

“I absolutely meant it. Is your answer still yes?”

 

“Of course it is.” Kíli’s face split into a big grin and he struggled to sit up too, which was a bit more difficult because he refused to let go of Fíli’s hand.

 

“I had planned to do it a bit later in the year, actually,” Fíli confessed. “You know, with a ring, and a more private setting ... and without being drunk.”

 

“As you said yesterday, it was plenty romantic.” Kíli’s grin morphed into a more serious frown. “But I guess, it might be a bit soon, considering everything …”

 

“Yeah.” Fíli sighed. “I’ve only been in Ireland for 18 months, and we haven’t been back together _that_ long, but … I mean, it’s not like being together for 20 years guarantees you’re going to make it until the end either, right? And then, we _do_ have a long history together as cousins, and when I moved here we clicked right from the start. Not to mention, we’ve figured out how to work through our problems now, and I love you. So, I reckon we’ve got a more solid foundation than most, and I’d very much like to have that reflected in our legal status, now that it’s possible.”

 

Kíli chuckled and intertwined their fingers. “Very pragmatic.”

 

“I also said I love you!” Fíli protested. “I just figure that marriage is about more than me feeling happier when I’m in the same room as you.”

 

“I know. I love you, too. And you’re right, we’ve got a good foundation now.” He peered at the clock. “And we’ve got to get moving, we’re meant to be back in Dublin by noon.”

 

“That’s plenty of time!”

 

Nevertheless, he let go of Kíli and they got ready. Just as Fíli was attempting to tame his hair into a bun, Kíli hugged him from behind.

 

“Oy?”

 

“I was just thinking.” Kíli elected to ignore Fíli’s mild irritation at being interrupted. “Are we going to tell everyone yet?”

 

“What? That we’ve decided to get married?”

 

“I don’t want to be accused of stealing Thorin and Bilbo’s thunder, not today.”

 

“True. And it’s not like we could answer any questions about the wedding yet. When, where, how, etc.”

 

*

 

Breakfast was a quiet affair anyway. They were joined by Dot and Dis, who arrived around the same time, a few minutes after their sons. Dis acted as if there had been no unpleasant situation at all, and Dot too, apart from the furious glances she shot at Dwalin from time to time. Dwalin completely ignored her at a separate table with Ori, Balin, and Moira.

 

As soon as they were in the car, it was clear that Dot had neither forgotten nor forgiven the slight. She complained about Dwalin’s rudeness the entire way back, insisting that she wouldn’t come to any family dinners if “that creature” was there, and added that she remembered the stories Frerin had told her of Balin’s and Thorin’s efforts to “civilise” Dwalin and put him on the right track. She had never been so insulted …

 

Fíli concentrated on the road and did his best to tune her out. When they arrived at the hotel, he only advised her to take another nap to regain some of her energy, and that they would pick her up in the early afternoon for some sightseeing.

 

*

 

Fíli and Kíli didn’t talk until they were in their own flat, and Kíli started to get a bit worried. But when Fíli let himself fall against the wall as soon as they were in their flat, Kíli had to chuckle a little.

 

“Aren’t you being a little melodramatic?”

 

“No,” Fíli grunted, but pushed himself off the wall again. “Christ, I swear she’s not always this exhausting.”

 

“I believe you.” Kíli planted a little kiss on Fíli’s nose. “I’d say it went really well, though. No huge blow-up during the reception, none during breakfast … Thorin and Bilbo, as well as most of the guests, have no idea there was ever a problem. So, at least _they’ve_ got good memories of the whole thing, right?”

 

“True.”

 

“And I’ll only remember how you proposed to me.” Kíli felt giddy at this fresh memory, and he planted a big kiss right on Fíli’s mouth. “That’s the most memorable bit for me.”

 

“Give it some time, then it will be for me, too.” Fíli let his fingers trail down Kíli’s cheek. “You looked gorgeous last night.”

 

Kíli punched him a little. “Oh, so that’s why you proposed?”

 

Fíli chuckled. “That’s why it slipped out, I reckon. But it was during the ceremony for Bilbo and Thorin that I just started thinking how I want to do that with you, too. It sounds so cheesy to promise to love you and spend the rest of my life with you ... but I realised I want to do that.”

 

“I know what you mean.” Kíli reached out to pull Fíli in a tight hug. “I’ve been sort of thinking about that since we started working on the ceremony. Only, at first, we were still finding our way, and then, I don’t know … I guess you beat me to it.”

 

“Should I be sorry?”

 

“Nah.” Kíli rubbed his nose against Fíli’s. “It was the best way to end the evening for me.”

 

They stood like that for a while until they realised that they hadn’t even taken their shoes off yet. After a very light snack that passed as lunch, they went back to bed for a nap before they had to face Dot yet again for a tour of Dublin.

 

*

 

Kíli wondered a little about Dot’s erratic behaviour. When they picked her up for the sightseeing tour, she didn’t make any further comments about Dwalin. Nor about Dis. Or Bilbo. Or Ori. Or Kíli. Instead, she seemed to approve of their little program for the afternoon.

 

They first went to Trinity College to admire the Book of Kells, and then to Dublin castle.

She didn’t even complain when they had to queue for the book, partly because Kíli distracted her by talking about how important it was Ireland.

 

Kíli later admitted to Fíli that he had asked Thorin what one could tell a visitor about the area … which explained why he had sounded so much like their uncle just then. 

 

Trinity College was, of course, just stunning by itself. Especially the imposing Gothic buildings in the West; he had always liked slightly pompous architecture. And it was all the more impressive because these 425 year old university buildings were still functional. The aura of history and science was everywhere. Fíli wondered aloud why he had never been there before. 

 

Dublin Castle was a hit with Dot, too. They then had a light dinner at the “fast food that’s good for you” place where Fíli and Kíli often met for lunch. While they were eating, Kíli and Dot made plans for the rest of her week in Dublin.

 

As Fíli had suggested, she would then go to England for a week, visiting London, Stratford-Upon-Avon, and Cornwall.

 

It was knowing that she’d soon be gone again that made it easy for Kíli to be so genuinely enthusiastic about showing Dot around Dublin.

 

*

 

And then, the next day, things turned sour before they even had lunch. Fíli had made the mistake to mention that they only had one more day to show his mother around. It was Monday, and both Kíli and he had to go back to their regular work schedules on Wednesday.

 

“I don’t see why you couldn’t take a whole week off for me! First, you don’t let me stay with you, and then you have only three days for me. Three days. For your mother who came all the way from New Zealand.”

 

Fíli balled his hands into a fist before he relaxed them again. “Mum. I explained before. I took two weeks off in February when I visited you.”

 

“Me and a hundred friends.”

 

“Fine. When I visited New Zealand and spent a lot of time with you. The point is, I don’t have any holidays left -- aside from the ones I need to save for Christmas. I couldn’t possibly take more days off, paid or unpaid.”

 

Kíli dared to add: “My Mam said she’d love to take you somewhere Thursday or Friday, maybe out in the country.”

 

The glare he got from Dot made him shrink again, although her voice was pleasant. “That’s very nice of Dis. I hope it won’t cause her too much trouble.”

 

It actually did, but Kíli shook his head. “She loves showing people around. And tomorrow, after work, we’ll take you somewhere spectacular for dinner.”

 

“Of course, it’s all about the food,” Dot grumbled.

 

After that, the conversation between Fíli and his mother remained stilted, but polite, for the most part.

 

And then they went for dinner. Unfortunately, a family with two fat children was also in the restaurant. Fíli was, for once, glad that the restaurant was so noisy that the family couldn’t hear his mother when she said: “Well, would you look at these kids.”

 

They might notice her stares though. He interlaced his fingers almost painfully. “Mum, please.”

 

“Don’t ‘Mum please’ me. It’s child abuse, that’s what it is.”

 

“Right.”

 

“It’s true!”

 

They hadn’t even received their menus yet, and Fíli already felt like leaving. “No, it’s not, Mum.”

 

“I should know!” She gave the waiter who handed her her menu a perfunctory smile. “I was a fat girl … well, my parents called me ‘chubby’, so much ‘cuter’, but in any case, I was fat and I suffered because they were too lazy to figure out how to feed a child! Or themselves! You know how bloated they were!”

 

Fíli had only very dim recollections of his grandparents, who had both died before he was 7. But he did remember that he had loved sitting on his grandma’s lap because she was so soft.

 

“They don’t look that heavy in pictures,” Fíli said, acutely aware of Kíli’s silent presence across from him.

 

“They were.” Dot huffed. “And they fed me all sorts of crap. That’s why I always made sure to feed you right when you were small, to always have only healthy food.”

 

Dot’s lecture on how she read up on children’s nutrition, and how difficult it was to raise a child on healthy food in a society that pushed sugary, fatty food at children at every opportunity, lasted while they ordered their food and got their drinks. She concluded with: “I didn’t want you to go through what I did. I was constantly bullied by the other children, and by the teenagers. And when the others played, I couldn’t keep up, and they always laughed at me when I couldn’t run as fast or as long as them. 

And then this one time, I got stuck in a window - everybody else was climbing through it. We were supposed to be practicing our sewing, but we meant to sneak out. And there I was, dangling in the window. They laughed and laughed, and then they got angry because the teachers came running because of my wailing ... and then the teachers laughed at me, too.” 

Tears sprang into Dot’s eyes. “It was so humiliating. And it was my parents’ fault. Just as those parents are setting up their children to be miserable. Did you know -”

 

“Mum, I’m very sorry for what happened when you were a child, really I am, and those teachers were dicks, but let’s eat, all right?”

 

He took her hand, that was frozen in mid-gesture, and gently put it down to table. He understood she was hurt, but he was also worried about his boyfriend’s feelings. Plus, the waiter was already hovering behind them, unable to set down the plates while Dot gesticulated.

 

They began eating their food in silence, then Dot said: “Well, I succeeded in raising you to eat right, didn’t I?”

 

“You certainly did.”

 

“Maybe you should teach Kíli.”

 

Kíli, who had listened to Dot’s memories with wide eyes, coughed a little to draw their attention.

 

“I know how to eat healthily.” 

 

Both mother and son turned to Kíli in surprise. So far he had always been quiet during their discussions.

 

“Do you?” Dot cocked her head. “You know that beer is not a food group, right?”

 

Kíli didn’t grace that attempt at humour with a smile. Instead he shrugged. “Of course. I’m not a child anymore. I am very sorry about these kids and teachers being so rude to you, by the way. As I said, I know about healthy eating. I just never quite managed to resist taytos and beer.”

 

“If you just-”

 

“Mum!”

 

“At the moment, I’d rather be happy than focus too much on my weight,” Kíli claimed. 

 

Fíli knew that it wasn’t entirely true, but it silenced his mother a little. Just a little, though. She shook her head slowly. “Don’t you think you’d be happier if you were as trim as you used to be?”

 

“I’m never going to be that fit again,” Kíli said with a calm that made Fíli’s stomach flutter. “Even if I lost weight. I used to be a semi-professional athlete, remember. My knee is better now, but I won’t ever be able to go back. That’s just what it is.”

 

To Fíli, it was obvious that it bothered him, but to the outside world, he still appeared composed. He could see that his mother was stunned; she was not used to people not being bitter about their failures.

 

He took the opportunity to change the topic then, and they bored his mother for the rest of dinner with discussions about Gaelic football, association football, rugby, and which sport was the best.

 

****

 

Kíli was sitting in front of the TV with a large bowl of ice cream in his lap, feeling absolutely miserable, when Fíli arrived home from work on Thursday. He reluctantly looked over at his fiance, half expecting to see some of Dot’s derision on his face, but Fíli just winked at him.

 

“Hey. Are we having ice cream for dinner tonight?”

 

That was more humour than Kíli could take at the moment and he scowled. “Very funny. We’re having jacket potatoes with sour cream and salad. I’m just. I’m so stupid. I saw this ice cream in the shop earlier, when I got the sour cream, and bought it. Fuck.”

 

He beat his fist against the couch once. Fíli sat down next to Kíli and rubbed his thigh, until Kíli continued.

 

“I’m never going to lose weight, am I?”

 

Kíli stared at the bowl of ice cream he had nearly emptied. After he had promised himself, and Fíli, that there wouldn’t be any junk food in the house, he had gone and bought himself ice cream. Now that he had eaten it, he didn’t understand how he could have slipped like that.

Fíli grabbed Kíli’s thigh a bit harder.

 

“You fucked up today. We all fuck up from time to time.”

 

“I do it all the time, though.” Hadn’t he given up as soon as Fíli had left? And hadn’t he continued to eat pizza in Dale, even while pretending to diet? Fíli’s word cut through his mental list of fuck-ups.

 

“No you do not.”

 

“What’s the point in trying if I’m just going to gain it all back when I lose control!”

 

“Love.” Fíli sounded as if he was afraid that Kíli might blow up any second, “Love, I’m not going to pretend that the ice cream and whatever else you might have eaten today won’t have an impact. It will slow you down. But as long as you burn more calories than you take in over a stretch of time, like a week, or a month, you’ll lose weight. So the balance today is probably a few too many calories, and tomorrow and the day after that you might have a deficit again, so the average of this week might be zero. And then next week, deficit again.”

 

That made almost too much sense. Kíli shoved the ice cream away from himself and leant his head against Fíli. “That’s so rational.” He let himself enjoy the way Fíli stroked his hair gently.

 

“And you’re emotional right now, I get it.”

 

“Emotional and stuffed.”

 

Fíli chuckled a little. “Let’s take a walk around the block, then. The fresh air will do you good.”

 

It sounded very appealing, even though, or perhaps because, Kíli felt heavy and sluggish. “Not to mention the exercise. You’re not hungry?”

 

“I can wait.” Fíli got up and held his hand out to Kíli. It did make Kíli feel better; he was still disappointed with himself for having given into temptation, but it no longer looked like the end of the world. Not when Fíli was holding his hand, and when his mind knew Fíli was right. It was the overall calorie count that mattered, not what he had in one day. 

 

And sometimes he felt that what he had told Dot at the restaurant was actually right. There were far more important things in his life than his weight.

 

Such as Fíli and their plans to marry. And having fun with Fíli and his friends.

 

While they were walking, Kíli told Fíli that his mother had called to let him know that Dis and Dot had argued, and that Dot had left for her hotel instead of having dinner with her as planned. Dot hadn’t been in touch with Fíli, even though she had wifi at the hotel. Fíli decided to pretend that he didn’t know anything about the fight, and thus assumed she had dinner sorted.

 

***

 

On Friday evening, Kíli went to have dinner with Tauriel and Legolas while Fíli took his mother out for dinner. Not surprisingly, she was full of complaints about Dis. And that led to her listing all the hurtful things Fíli had said over the course of his life, but mainly during his phone calls from Ireland. Fíli spent much of the evening trying to calm her down, and made her promise to come and have dinner with the family on Sunday anyway. He needed her there.

 

They had a fight, when Dot said that Kíli couldn’t possibly be as okay with his weight as he pretended to be. The knowledge that she was absolutely right made Fíli much more forceful in his rebuttal.

 

“You are telling me that somebody, who was an athlete, is okay with being a couch potato now.”

 

“He is no more a couch potato than me.”

 

“Oh, Fíli-”

 

“Don’t ‘Oh Fíli’ me!” Fíli crossed his arms in front of himself. “Look, mum, if you continue to bring up my boyfriend’s weight in every conversation and if you keep making his weight the most important thing about him, don’t bother coming on Sunday, actually. And I won’t call you when you’re back home. My life is good right now. Calling you and listening to you have a go at the man I love is the major source of stress. So I won’t do it anymore. Do you understand?”

 

He kept his arms crossed, to still his beating heart. And because he was sure his hands would tremble were they not firmly locked against his chest.

 

“Fine.” Dot’s face and body were rigid. “So where are we going tomorrow.”

 

Fíli needed a moment before he could reply. He had expected an argument. This wasn’t a promise, but she must have sensed that he was serious.

 

On Saturday, the weather was nice enough for them to drive north to Ardgillan Castle, an 18th century style manor house with beautiful gardens bordering the Irish Sea. Dot loved old houses as well as walks, so it was perfect. The day passed very pleasantly; if they let Dot wander off by herself a bit too often, she didn’t realise it. She certainly would have mentioned it, had she noticed that it had been done on purpose.

 

On Sunday they all went to Dis and Thorin’s house; to what was now Dis’ side, of course. The house was big enough to separate it into two units, after Bilbo moved in with Thorin.

Kíli had called his mother and told her he really wanted Dot to come. Dis had been surprised, but very willing to have Dot for dinner. If, Dis added, Dot kept in mind what Dis had told her about shooting her mouth off.

 

They didn’t tell Dot that. Fíli hoped that after he had given her that ultimatum on Friday, she would behave. 

 

***

 

Still, he couldn’t quite hide his relief when Dwalin was not there. He and Ori were in London to visit Nori, Thorin explained. There was still the usual group of Dis, Thorin, Bilbo, Balin, and Moira, though.

 

And Fíli was very happy to note that not only were all the pictures of Kíli and him in their old place, there was also a new one from the wedding.

 

In the evenings, Kíli and Fíli had talked a little bit more about their future wedding, and when dinner was finished Fíli, feeling a bit bashful, announced that Kíli and he wanted to tell them something.

 

Judging by the excited faces at the table, he wouldn’t have needed to go on, but he still did.

 

“I asked Kíli to marry me just after Thorin and Bilbo’s wedding, and -”

 

“Of course I said yes,” Kíli interrupted him, beaming.

 

While everyone got up to hug and congratulate them, Thorin went to fetch one of his most expensive bottles of whiskey.

They almost emptied it, because everyone had to say a toast, even Dot managed to say, with a teary smile, how happy she was her son found the right man.

 

***

 

Almost exactly a year after Thorin and Bilbo, Kíli and Fíli got married. And after some deliberation, they sent an invitation to Fíli’s mother. These days she was “making an effort”, as she liked to stress, and she avoided criticising Kíli and mostly managed not to let anything fatphobic slip into her conversations with Fíli. The way she emphasized how much better Kíli looked in a picture Fíli had sent her, where it was obvious that he had lost weight, was very transparent, though. 

 

It earned an invitation to her son’s wedding nevertheless. To everyone’s relief, she declined, though. The reason she gave was that Fíli and Kíli would come to New Zealand in January to celebrate their wedding again with Fíli’s old friends. So she didn’t ‘need’ to be there in Ireland too.

 

Still, it was remarkable that she had come for her brother-in-law’s wedding but not her own son’s. She obviously realised how unwelcome she’d be. 

 

Fíli didn’t miss her; and the bit of guilt that welled up from time to time about not missing her was quickly quelled in the preparations first for Dis and Bofur’s wedding (they had gone first, in spring) and then their own wedding.

 

Knowing that he wouldn’t have his mother to deal with made the build up to the wedding so much less stressful. Even though his relationship with his mother had improved a little during the past year, she would never be without her prejudices and her bitterness. While Fíli appreciated her willingness to keep it to herself in order to have a better relationship with her son, he was also glad to not have to deal with a visit from her. 

 

As Kíli and him signed the registry, observed by their very teary relatives and friends, there was no space in his head to think of anything but the satisfaction of signing the document to become Kíli’s husband. Kíli was taking his name, Durin. He had never had a connection to his father or his father’s family anyway, so to everyone it only felt as if Kíli finally carried the right name. Kíli Durin. Fíli Durin’s husband, and Thorin Durin’s heir.

 

Tauriel hugged Fíli just as tightly as Kíli. During the past year, Tauriel had come to appreciate how much Fíli adored Kíli. And Legolas, of course, had become one of Fíli’s closest friends. In 2017, Fíli would leave the university to take a position in Thranduil’s company. It had been a hard decision; Fíli loved his work at the university, but his contract would have ended in 2018. And pursuing his academic career would have meant that it’d be virtually impossible to find a position anywhere near Dublin. Kíli, on the other hand, had to remain in Dublin for work.

 

Faced with the decision between his academic career and Kíli, the decision had been easy. He’d miss the conferences, and he’d miss the students, but he knew it would all be worth it in the end. 

 

*

 

As he walked down the aisle with Kíli, two days after the registration, he knew without a doubt that he had made the right decision. Their friends and relatives were smiling and cheering. And on the stage, Dis, Tauriel, Legolas, and Faramir were waiting for them, for a commitment ceremony just like Thorin and Bilbo’s, the one that had impressed both of them so much.

 

Fíli was a little choked when he vowed to always love and treasure Kíli, and Kíli didn’t even bother to try and stop his tears as he promised the same to Fíli.

 

This was pure bliss. Looking at Kíli, living with Kíli, was bliss.

 

Even though they both knew that they would have their ups and downs, they also knew that no one else could make them as happy.

 

They had what felt to be a long journey behind them to get to this point, but they had reached the finish line - together. And now, a new journey for the two of them was about to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter!! Khafushun, as always, helped a LOT with this chapter, especially the ending. Thank you, I couldn't have done the story like this without you.
> 
> Anyway, whee-hee. As much as I love them, I am happy to be done with this story which just kept losing readers ^^
> 
> As always, if you enjoyed this last chapter, please leave me a comment :)


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